How are you? Ready for Christmas? Pretending not to be reading this? Well haha joke’s on you, I know you’re out there because a guy on Bumble just told me he reads TD. He’s outed you. You’ve been betrayed by one of your own.
It’s the time of year where everyone starts talking about/writing New Year’s Resolutions, which honestly I can’t get behind. If you need some kind of calendar date to start working on a goal, you’re probably not passionate enough to make it work out. But like, you do you!
JK, you’re not doing you. You’re doing me. Wait, what? That came out wrong. What I meant to say is that I’m writing your New Year’s Resolutions for you because I’ve been watching y’all commit the same cardinal sins on dating apps year in and year out and I’m staging an intervention. So, without further ado, here are the things for you to fix this year before all us women decide we’d be better off as lesbians and form a new commune called Womanhattan.
1. Upgrade your bio
I wrote about this many moons ago but my female comrades and I are still dealing with your shit so we’ll go through it again. The following bios will get you absolutely nowhere.
‘Entrepreneur’ as a job title
But THEN all the Bumble bros came along and turned Entrepreneur into a sad expression of joblessness. Le sigh. Listen, if you started a business, I’m sure it has a name, right? So why don’t you make your job ‘Founder at ABC Corp’ so I can do a little bit of casual Googling and make sure you’re not the kingpin of a meth ring or – worse – unemployed and living with your parents? Thanks!!
p. s. – that note about not being a free dinner and drinks coupon is not helping the fact that I think you don’t receive a paycheck 😉
Your height as your bio
Is your height really the most interesting thing about you? Pass.
Info that’s already in your profile as your bio
Wait, did you graduate from VMI in 2014? No way! I never would have guessed.
Your Instagram handle as your bio
No one’s going to follow you on Instagram. Why are all of these guys named John? I hate DC.
“Need not apply”
a) I can’t tell if you don’t want white girls or don’t want boring girls or don’t want ice cream cones disguised as girls?? Please advise.
b) You can choose who you decide to talk to on your own time. Don’t tell us where we can and cannot apply please. Thanks!
Nothing in your bio
Pop quiz! This man is:
a) A bot
b) Boring AF
c) Trying to skate by on his looks
d) All of the above probably
Surprise! The answer is d. D for douchenozzle, which is what this guy probably is, if he is real. We may never know.
There are a lot of things I’m prepared to be when I match with 31-year-old Penn State grads. Bored, sexually disappointed and forced into watching college football come to mind. Fascinated? Not so much.
Guys, just share some of your interests, crack a joke, do something, ANYTHING that sets you apart from the sea of other guys named Chris. Please. You will be rewarded.
Also, I will provide advice on anyone’s dating profile if you send it to me on Instagram or via email (email@example.com)! You’re welcome in advance!
2. Don’t slide into my Instagram DMs just because we didn’t match
Let me paint a scenario for you. In this scenario, you are me. A 24-year-old girl, nuzzled up in your comfy queen-sized bed, finishing the last few pages of your chapter of Date-onomics before bed. As you reach over to shut off the light, you notice your phone light up. “SkinZfan87 wants to send you a message.” Sighing, you slide open the notification to view the message, hoping SkinZfan is Colin Jost’s fake Instagram account.
Now imagine that this happens to you 4-6 times a day and the guy is NEVER your celebrity crush, sexiest comic alive Colin Jost. UGH.
Guys, if you and a girl haven’t matched on Tinder, it does not necessarily mean she hasn’t seen you. It may mean she swiped left! Please DO NOT explore alternative routes of contact if you are less than a 10. Please DO go out to bars and try to meet people organically. DMs are great for when you’re drunk and inspired at a Lauv concert or in love with a celebrity (Bachelor contestant Chris Strandburg, hmu?). DMs are not good for stalking girls on dating apps. Our accounts are private for a reason.
3. TRY to stop being creepy. At least TRY.
*This is one instance of a pervasive issue that girls come across multiple times per swipe session, so don’t tell me “omg none of us do that” because yeah, you do.*
I was scrolling through Tinder last week when I came across Dave.
Such mystery, this Dave. What struck me about his bio, other than the fact that I will eat my first child if this man is an actual Harvard grad, and that the phrase “hedonistic desires” makes me dry heave, is the fact that a man of such secrecy would provide his Snapchat and Instagram. Curious, I took a gander at his IG profile.
Do you want to vomit? Same. But we’re not done. Before I could even clear my search history and wash my eyes with bleach, Dave sent me a message.
Great request, Dave. I’m really into guys not telling me what type of shoes I can and cannot wear. How about you?
4. Similarly, don’t be a dick
Introducing Marudeen, a man I matched with on a casual Wednesday evening. I dug out my favorite Forbes article for an icebreaker question and fired away.
Per review of his profile, Marudeen appears to be in med school. I’d probably be irritable to if I was 27 and facing down at LEAST 4 more years of school and a mountain of student loans. Let’s all pray for Marudeen.
5. Try to get to know someone before asking them out? Maybe?
Let’s play a game of “spot the glaring issue,” shall we?
All of my guy friends on dating apps – OMG dating is so expensive I keep buying these girls drinks and shit and they all suck and I don’t even get laid!!!
Every conversation on Tinder:
J – Hi
Random dude – Hey babe!! Let’s cut the small talk and grab a drink at Gibson? What are you doing tonight?!
Y’all out here asking out everything that’s ever worn a bra without even checking to see if she’s a serial killer, a Russian spy, or – even worse – a Chris Daughtry fan. SMH. Maybe if you spent a day or two talking to a girl, you may be able to get a sense of her personality and humor? And develop some points you can connect on when you meet IRL? And not spend all your money buying drinks for trash women? Just a thought.
And this goes both ways too! We also want to not hate our lives the 1-2+ hours we’re sitting with you at some bar. If we have established a rapport before the date, this is much more likely to happen. Instead, we get this:
K I’ll just go crawl into my pit of despair for the next two weeks until our date, bye.
And that’s it, gentlemen! 5 simple things that you can do in 2018 to improve your dating life, reduce your expenses, and maybe not become just another screenshot on a dating blog.
…but who am I kidding? You all never learn.