Hey readers! BP here, checking in with my 2nd guest post. The idea for this post came about when I mentioned to a bro-friend that I had a new girlfriend who he’d met before, and his response was “oh yeah, she’s hot, good job.”
After a celebratory bro-fist-pound, the implications set in. What if other dudes think she’s hot? In bars? WILL I HAVE TO TAKE MY BRASS KNUCKS OUT AND DEFEND MY MANHOOD AND HER HONOR?? Unfortunately, I am not super buff, don’t have elevated testosterone, and am fresh out of handy bar weapons. As such, I decided to consult my gf and her friends so I can clearly identify when I need to shut down a situation in public.
I am pleased to provide a handy TD guide to dumb pickup attempts and how to stop them in their tracks. For you girls out there, I hope this post comes in handy in those awkward social situations when Tinder hasn’t already greased the hook-up wheels (aka real life). For the dudes, please use this so you can see a confrontation coming, stop it in its tracks, and ensure no one makes you look like a naked mole rat in public.
1. The ‘My Hair Lady’ – By far the most common move, this occurs when men touch a girl’s hair and compliment its color, perhaps mentioning that it “brings out her eyes.” From there, they pounce on any positive response and otherwise move on to another tree in their follicle forest until every possibility has been extinguished.
Real-Life Example: Seriously, go to ANY bar and you will see this happen. One source mentioned that they were a redhead and they need both fingers AND toes to count the number of times that men have told her that “red was their favorite color.”
Exit Strategy: Not too hard. Just mention that it’s a “crazy coincidence” that your boyfriend’s favorite color is ALSO red.
Variants: Pick a body part. Compliment said body part; creepily touch it. Rinse, repeat.
2. The ‘Wallet Whip’ – Do you have a big ego? A big wallet? Congratulations! This will likely be your move of choice, and everyone will hate you. The move consists of loudly boasting that you can take a girl to an exotic locale (beaches, European countries, clubs) OR for a ride in your ~exotic~ motorized vehicle (Porsche, Ferrari, jet-ski) OR EVEN to meet your so-called ‘celebrity friends’. Same.
Real-Life Example: One man used all of the above: Porsche, multiple homes in just as many area codes, a famous artist sub-letter. Sadly, our source was 20 and naive at the time and fell for his games. He took her for a drive, bragged incessantly the whole time, and attempted to get her to watch a movie at his place about a man who freezes to death in a bus in the wilderness. She ran away only to get a text two years later when he wanted a ride to the airport.
Exit Strategy: Men, DO NOT OUT-WALLET THE WALLET. You will look just as stupid as they are. The key is to show boundless enthusiasm for their topic of choice – they won’t be able to help themselves as you pad their ego. You LOVE hearing about how many RPMs their Porsche can get. Meanwhile, your girl will be unconscionably bored and wander anywhere else, possibly to watch paint dry.
Variants: Countless. Men can find a way to brag about literally anything. I would know, as a man I have bragged about SAT scores, how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth, how large my palms are… maybe I should stop.
3. The ‘Talent Show’ – This move consists of trying to demonstrate value (hi, DENNIS system) in the bedroom, long before actually getting there. The crudest version of this move involves penis size, whereas more advanced versions can be some Casanova shit.
Real-Life Example: Surprise, this example happened to J herself! A man followed J and L into a bar and then bought them a drink. He mentioned that he was “extremely talented,” to which J responded “oh really?” (bad, J). Before she could react HIS TONGUE WAS IN HER EAR. She ran away and hasn’t yet returned. Please write in if you find J, we’re worried about her.
Exit Strategy: Guys trying this move are really only interested in one thing and probably won’t be very selective. Try a bait-and-switch – find your sluttiest friend who’s on a dry spell and steer her into his waiting arms. She might even be interested in his ‘talents‘!
Variants: SO MANY gross variants. Look for any suggestion of prowess with a body part, especially if there’s a wink or eyebrow raise accompanying the brag.
4. The ‘Smoke and Mirrors’ – This one is for smokers – many men will try to use a cigarette as a “foot in the door” to eventually get into a girl’s pants, oldest trick in the (match)book.
Real-Life Example: My lovely girlfriend once took a smoke break from her job at GameStop and was spotted by an opportunistic smoker. He waited until she was back at the counter, offered her a free cigarette he had hand-rolled, and walked away. She then found this man’s number written on the cigarette paper.
Exit Strategy: I hear that this man continues to wait for a call that’s never coming, so getting out of this situation is pretty easy. Pro tip: don’t smoke the cigarette. You never know what they’re rolling until you’re rolling.
Variants: Often a guy will proffer the cigarette while on the smoke break itself, which is even worse if said break is in an isolated and/or scary place. Ladies, general life advice, JUST SAY NO to creepy alleys.
5. The ‘Entourage-a-trois’ – Similar to the ‘Wallet Whip,’ this move is generally done by the wealthier gents out there. These men will leverage a situation in which their wealth is obvious – lavish parties, country clubs, or other places where lovely people refer to their wives as ‘arm candy.’ They will then make a ‘power move’ and rely on the discomfort of the targeted girl to make the magic happen.
Real-Life Example: One of my gf’s friends was working a nanny job at a local pool when a man approached her. He began to tell her (with Instagram visual aids) about his gorgeous home, his incredible interior decorating skills, his amazingly pretty girlfriend, and his hot tub. Then he told her he’s a retired pro football player, and prefers a ‘natural girl’ like her to the hyper-groomed mothers at the pool. He invited her to hang out in his hot tub “so he can have sex with her.” She told him she was married. He asked if that meant she wasn’t interested. She said yes. He stood up and walked away without another word or look in her direction.
Exit Strategy: Seems like the vocal response shut it down pretty quickly. TD recommends that if this happens to you, be sure to get the name of the man so that you can blackmail him and extort your way to fiscal success.
Variants: I suppose you could try this without Instagram visual aids, but I really feel like they tie the whole shenanigan together.
And there you have it! You are now versed in many of the ways that men on the prowl will utterly fail to attract women in public, so be on the lookout for a creepy guy near you! Feel free to share your stories in the comments – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?!