It’s that time of year again!! Time for us all to become invested in a television stranger’s dating life so he can pretend to be engaged to someone on Instagram for 3-6 months and then everyone can peddle Sugar Bear Hair on Instagram for the rest of their life. This is 2018.
That’s right, folks. I’ve turned on my Google alerts for Bachelor keywords, I accidentally venmoed my landlord for “Janu-Arie Rent” (fingers crossed she doesn’t notice) and I’ve purchased enough wine and cheese to last me
about 3 days the whole season. So let’s get started with Episode #1!
ICYMI, my breakdown of all the
crazies contestants this season is here.
In what is a surprise to exactly 0 people, ABC starts the whole thing off with a litany of Formula One metaphors. “This is the most important race of my life” “I want to win” “Please ride my dick off into the sunset like a race car” etc. Give me a break.
Oh good, now we’re watching a montage of Arie with real-life Disney Princess Emily Maynard because I wasn’t already feeling like a shit human who hasn’t left the couch today. Thanks, ABC.
They’re airing highlights from After the Final Rose for a season I
wasn’t alive for didn’t watch and HE LEFT HIS DAMN JOURNAL ON EMILY’S DOORSTEP AND SHE DIDN’T READ IT?! Okay, this is like some sick, twisted version of The Notebook. Emily Maynard is a cold-hearted bitch.
*looks at self*
SEAN AND CATHERINE’S CHILD IS SO ADORABLE I FORGOT FOR A MINUTE THAT I HATE BABIES.
Ok, let’s meet the girls. Naturally Chelsea the blonde single mom is first, because Arie is just looking for Emily Maynard 2.0, since that worked out great the first time.
On to Caroline, the real estate agent. “I grew up around cars, so hopefully this works out.” Ok, so Caroline isn’t Amish. Good to know.
Maquel is 23 and I will eat my foot if she actually watched Arie on Bachelorette 5 years ago.
Can someone please explain how Seinne is 80 pounds and 40 of them are her boobs?? Thanks.
Kendall. Girl. Are you okay?? “I collect taxidermy. I’ve never had a relationship for over a year, but with taxidermy, I can keep them forever!” *proceeds to play ukulele to a stuffed seal* Oh, no. No, you’re not okay at all. I’m over these intros. I’m over this season. I’m done with my bottle of wine.
Okay, I got a new bottle, and my mom is judging me. Whatever. The girls are arriving at the mansion and the first one out of the limo is… Caroline! She seems normal. This is lame. Where the crazy at?!
Here it is!! Kendall is the MOST nervous person I’ve ever seen. Probably because she only interacts with dead things. Help. Side note: it’s like -4 degrees in DC right now and looking at these girls in their sleeveless, backless dresses gives me real anxiety.
HAHAHAHAHA TIA GIVES ARIE A SMALL WIENER FIGURINE AND ASKS HIM IF HE HAS A LITTLE WIENER I’M SCREAMING I CAN’T BREATHE. FUCKING TIAAAAAA YAS BITCH!
Tia – Raven is my best friend, and a large part of the reason I’m on the show. She told me all about how
Nick Viall provided her first orgasm ever she really fell for Nick, and that’s what I’m looking for.
Casual reminder that Bekah is 22 years old and Arie is 36. She is barely old enough to drive this vintage car she rolled up in. Also, she’s comparing Arie to something from the 1960s, hahahahahaha bye.
At this point my friend group Snapchat starts blowing up with messages about the ‘half your age plus 7’ rule to determine how young is too young for Arie. I somehow determine that half of 36 is 13 and state brazenly that the girls are all of age because his age minimum is 20. My friends point out my mistake. I take another gulp of wine.
^me, trying to do math on Snapchat while simultaneously stuffing several cubes of cheese into my mouth.
Jessica the TV host just gave Arie a “gratitude rock” which come to think of it could just be a euphemism for a boner and oh my god I need Jesus.
First Lauren! Second Lauren! Third Lauren! They’re all blonde. Two of these bitches are going home tonight. The fourth one is black, though, so the producers will probably keep her around for a while. #diversity
Ok, Chelsea is the villain of the season and I’m here for it. BRING ON THE CRAYYYY.
“I hope I finish first” – Ashley
“Nah bitch” – Arie
“SHE COMES FIRST. SHE ALWAYS COMES FIRST.” – Drake, in the distance, shedding a single tear.
Ali made Arie smell her armpits for the sake of a “pit stop” joke, and I proceeded to vomit in my mouth. So did Arie, probably. Ali is going home.
Okay Arie is really freaking charming and distinguished and well-spoken AND he has a full head of hair at 36? I’m over Peter already… mostly.
Just kidding, I am not in any way, shape or form over Peter. Please love me. Also, my mom just walked back into the room.
Mom – I don’t think he’s very attractive. Do you?
J – I think he’s handsome!
Mom – Well, you’ve always had shit taste in men.
Motion to put my mom on The Bachelor, all in favor say aye!
Mean girl Chelsea (who, if you will recall, has a child who may watch this one day) is the first to take Arie aside because she is SICK *clap* AND *clap* TIRED of raising a baby alone and will go to ALL LENGTHS to bring Arie home. Meanwhile, Arie just thinks she’s “hot and mysterious” because he’s a guy and can’t see through her
Ok, Brittany got them both mini racecars.
B – If I win, I get
the first impression rose and all of your lunch money a kiss.
She gets the first kiss and immediately becomes the most hated girl in the house. Congrats!!!
Jenna is batshit fucking crazy and may or may not be on coke.
J – Are you scared?
A – YES YOU WON’T STOP MOVING SPASTICALLY AND KEEP TOUCHING MY FEET
A – No, me?! No! Ha ha, not scared at all, I just have to go… cry… over there.
The first impression rose came out, and now the pressure is ON.
Random Brunette Girl – Honestly, the only thing that would bother me now is if some girls started going twice.
*Camera pans to Chelsea, evilly staring directly into the soul of all of America*
As we watch Chelsea approach, the camera moves to Krystal and Arie, sitting on a couch, easy prey. Am I watching The Bachelor or Animal Planet?
Arie – I barely know anything about you, tell me about yourself.
Krystal – *giggles* Well, I’m a Libra.
Four for you, Krystal. You go, Krystal.
Becca – Who does everyone think will get the first impression rose?
Chelsea – *staring at the floor, evil smile, fire in her black eyes* Oh… I have… no idea… MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Chelsea scares me.
Chelsea gets the first impression rose because she manipulated Arie with her crazy psycho mind power. How do you do it, Chelsea? Women everywhere need to know!
…and, it’s time for the rose ceremony! Roses for Chelsea, Becca K., Marikh, Bekah M., Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, Maquel.
Jessica is ready to marry Arie because her dead dad has met him, which is rational and sane. Sorry Jess, no rose for you, bye. Hope you have some more gratitude rocks to distribute to suitors!
Amber the business owner is ugly crying for the camera because she took a risk and it failed. I’m starting to believe Amber runs a fake business because that’s kind of the definition of entrepreneurship?
TBH all I got out of the sneak preview for the season was drama, crying, ooh Paris so sparkly, and more drama. So how is this different from every other season? Lol it isn’t! Can’t wait to waste so much of my life watching and writing about and becoming unhealthily invested in this show and its participants!