*Matthew McConnaughey voice* Alright, alright, alright! It’s time for another week of drama, ladies and gents! I’ve got two bottles of wine and I’ve monopolized the TV in my group house, so we are ready to roll. My roommate is acting annoyed that I’m making him abandon football so I can watch The Bachelor like I don’t know he binge-watched two seasons of Gossip Girl in one day. Homie, we share a Netflix account. Don’t play.
Okay, he’s still side eye-ing me, but the hot girls in the episode intro have piqued his interest. I have won control.
We’re about two seconds into this episode, Arie is already on a motorcycle, and I am already bored *gulps wine*. Where my crazies at?
Oh, here they come! Bibiana looks the most like a secretary from Miami that a secretary from Miami has ever looked. Becca K. gets the first one-on-one and is immediately the most hated woman in the house.
One-on-one with Becca K.
Becca and Arie are riding his motorcycle
Becca – This feels nice
Arie – My dick feels nicer
Becca – What?
Arie – Wait what lol? I didn’t say anything? What?
I owned the exact same sequined jacket Rachel Zoe is wearing in 5th grade. It was Mossimo from Target, cost $12.99 and was part of the post-HSM Sharpay craze. Glad to see nothing has changed.
Becca is just
showing off her ass doing a fashion show with designer clothing for Arie and then he gives it all to her. COOL.
Arie – I just thought it would be fun to spoil you
Wow, ABC wasted NO TIME playing the sugar daddy card. *adjusts Tinder age range to 55+*
If I was on Nick’s season and was watching this date I would be LIVID right about now.
Oh, haha, they are!
Becca got diamonds, clothes, and red bottoms…we scooped 💩. K. #TheBachelor
— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) January 9, 2018
Arie – If you have any questions about my experience on Bachelorette, just ask!
I feel like I’m watching a creepy manager try to “mentor” an analyst. Becca’s chill with it though.
Becca – Yeah I’m good with all this but can you fix the brakes on my car please?
Back at the house, Brittany and Chelsea are being interrogated about Arie’s kissing style and I am mainlining wine through an IV. Then surprise! The next date is… another 1 on 1 with Krystal! Everyone seems excited but they are truly ready to go back to their rooms and stab their little Krystal voodoo doll.
Becca gets a rose, my wine glass is empty. Refill #1.
One-on-one with Krystal
Becca got a motorcycle to Rachel Zoe’s house, Krystal gets a private jet to Arie’s house in Scottsdale, and none for
Gretchen Wiener Chelsea bye.
Arie – I picked Chelsea because she’s so kind, and comforting, and has SUCH an amazing ass. Like, have you seen it?
^Actual footage of Arie holding Bekah 10 years ago
Of course Arie worked at Pizza Hut, the lowest tier of the delivery pizza chains. Domino’s for life, bitch. And he’s taking her to his high school?? The SECOND I graduated from high school I swore to never return. What’s wrong with you, fool?!
Arie has a fucking scrapbook of his childhood photos and he’s showing it to Krystal.
Arie – This is my chubby phase. This is my dead grandfather. This is me posing with a bunch of college sorostitutes I hooked up wi – wait, nevermind! Nothing to see here! Let’s move on to videos!!
Krystal meeting Arie’s family like:
Krystal – Meeting your family was like, so cool. It was like, I got a peek of what your life, is like, like.
Arie – Yeah… that was literally exactly my life that you experienced. That was my real family.
Krystal – *giggles* yeahhhhhh!
Krystal’s voice is literally grating and I need it to end immediately.
Ah, our first awkward private concert in a large, empty space by an artist no one has ever hear of! But actually, who the fuck is Connor Duermit? brb checking Spotify.
…ok back. He has exactly two songs with more than 1,000 plays, and Becca got Louboutins. Sorry, K.
Krystal’s back in the house and she is NOT about to spill the tea about what happened in Scottsdale.
Krystal – We just, like, chilled.
Every girl – STOP BEING SO VAGUE YOU SHADY FUCKING BITCH
Arie is driving around in this car doing donuts and I’m having terror flashbacks to my 11th grade boyfriend trying to impress me.
Tia – Arie was great! He was driving, he was doing donuts, he didn’t run over and/or kill anyone!
The girls are spray painting their cars and doing a demolition derby. Once again… Louboutins. Although Brittany’s car is GOLD.
Jenna – I’m painting my car with polka dots to make me look all innocent, but JOKE’S ON YOU ARIE, I AIN’T! *flails arms wildly, once again proving she is on crack*
Annaliese is having a mental breakdown because she was traumatized during bumper cars as a child, and ABC is literally rolling a dramatic re-enactment of her traumatic past. What is happening.
Okay this isn’t about Bachelor BUT my favorite Celine Dion song “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” is the soundtrack to an all-you-can-eat Applebee’s commercial and I just threw my TV out the window. Also, Olivia Caridi just tweeted some bullshit about not being able to get a guy to pick up the tab on a first date and I have now refilled my wine glass again.
We are down to Seinne (who went to Yale) and Tia (who lives in a town where they do weekly demolition derbies for funsies) and Seinne wins. There is no justice in this world.
Chelsea – I don’t want to always be the first one to steal Arie away, the other girls will hate me.
*Immediately becomes the first to steal Arie away*
Arie is spouting some bullshit about loving single moms and I’m just like, we all know you’ve been hooking up with college girls for the past 5 years, get off your bullshit and stop leading this poor villainess on.
Marikh – Chelsea, I’m just going to take the LIBERTY to say that like, yeah, you have kids, but we all gave shit up too. I haven’t been to my regular brow lady in a week. Jenna stopped spray tanning! We ALL have to make sacrifices!!
Bibiana – Arie fucking hates me, I’m done.
Some blonde girl – Can someone hug her?
Bibs – Don’t fucKING TOUCH ME SLUTS!!!
Seinne gets the group date rose and the girls are NOT HAPPY about it, least of all Bibiana. But to be fair she’s wearing some kind of scarf/blazer concept that’s super weird and I probably wouldn’t talk to her either.
The 4 girls who didn’t go on a date this week are like “it’s really tough going into this rose ceremony because we haven’t gotten time with him, we haven’t had a chance”
Bibiana – YEAH WELL THE DATE FUCKING SUCKED SO CALM DOWN BITCHES
Arie – I want to talk to Brittany first because she got injured yesterday and
I want to make sure she doesn’t sue ABC for brain damage really gave it her all.
Arie is sooooo into Bekah rn.
Bekah – I’m simple, no drama, easy to please, and could feasibly be your daughter.
Bibiana is giving Ted Cruz a run for his money as Zodiac Killer.
Krystal already has a date rose but is stealing Arie away regardless. Krystal needs to sleep with one eye open. She takes Arie to the front of the mansion.
Krystal – This is where we met!
Me – *shouting at my tv* IT’S WHERE HE MET EVERYONE YOU DUMB VOCAL FRY WORKOUT INSTRUCTOR FEED THE HOMELESS BITCH
My roommate just came into the room in response to my screams and is providing color commentary.
Krystal – I’ve missed you so much!!!
Roomie – Ok, NO. You don’t say that until, like, the 5th date, and then I fucking dump your desperate ass.
I love living with boys.
Krystal – I’m not worried because some of the girls are very weird…’
Kendall – *holding a stuffed otter, running full speed at Arie* I COLLECT TAXIDERMY!
Krystal – And some are really young…
Maquel – Omg, you old man, you! Do you eat, like, Raisin Bran? And read, like, the newspaper??
Arie – So, Bibiana, what’s up?
Bibiana – *has been bitching about wanting to spend time with Arie all episode* Umm, hmmm, haha, I don’t know what to say, ummm, idk…
Arie – I have a dog!
Bibiana – Oh! Dogs. Yes. What… kind?
Krystal – Hi, can I steal him for a second?
Bibiana – NO BITCH DON’T TALK TO MY MAN WE ARE HAVING A SERIOUS CONVERSATION YOU NEED TO FUCKING CHECK YOURSELF
My bottle of wine is empty. On to the next!
Krystal – Bibiana – I’m done with you Krystal. You gotta take some time tomorrow, do your little workout, meditate a little, and THINK about what you did. When you stop speaking to me in that fake tone, we can talk.
Roses go to Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline (YASSS GO HOOS!), Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and BIBIANA?? WHAT THE FUCK THIS CRAZY BITCH IS HERE TO STAY! Watch your back Krystal, you’re about to become the focus of an episode of CSI: Miami.
Brittane is eliminated thank God, my autocorrect was fully unable to deal with her disgraceful name spelling.
Some blonde bitch is crying in the hallway and I honestly don’t know what her name is.
Blonde chick – I’m not even sad about you, I’m sad to be leaving my friends.
Arie – Well, it’s about more than friends here, it’s about being engaged on Instagram for 8 months and then having Fit Tea sponsorships for the rest of our lives.
Blonde chick – I got broken up with for the first time and he literally picked a taxidermist over me! Wahhhhh!!!!!
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 9, 2018
Aaaand on to the previews. My roommate just came back out and is forcibly turning on sports while I struggle with the remote. KENDALL IS THE NEW RAVEN AND IS SHOWING ARIE MORE TAXIDERMY, DON’T LET IT EN-
Well, that’s all for this week! Can’t wait for next week when
I try to drink even MORE wine we get to see more people cry. Yay!