Hello hello! Bachelor time! I’m out of breath because I just sprinted back from a lovely 2-hour date where I drank 3 beers so there is no wine present… yet. But it’s in my room. For safekeeping.
Also, do y’all follow Krystal on Instagram?! Guys – this is NOT the voice she has on Insta stories. This is the voice she uses when she talks to her dogs. Is Arie a dog?! Stay tuned!
“Good MORNIN’!” – Chris B. Harrison, every hungover girl’s least favorite person.
“Behind every good man is a very strong woman” – Chris Harrison, making his sole contribution to the #timesup movement.
Why does Lauren S. sound like more of a chain smoker than Krystal? Please advise.
Group Date #1
Oh good, the girls are wrestling each other. Last week we had a demolition derby. What’s next, pig calling? Shotgunning beers?!
Jacqueline, hiding in the corner, staring blankly into the empty audience, is all of us at home. I love you girl xoxo go hoos!
Tia and Bibiana are crying in a corner together but like, same. Why are these old ladies so mean? Is it because their tits aren’t this perky?! Probs.
Every girl is being assigned a wrestling persona. What’s your wrestling persona, Chris B. Harrison?! RIDDLE ME THIS!!
Bekah is “sex kitten” but let’s NOT FORGET THAT SHE’S 14 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ARIE, EW.
Why is this audience made entirely of women they found at TJ Maxx? Please advise.
So, update on how the matches are going:
– Kenny is FUCKING ARIE UP AND I AM HERE FOR IT. GOOO KENNY KING!!!
– KRYSTAL IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF JACQUELINE WTF KRYSTAL LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE!
– Marikh and Annaliese are like, re-enacting Dirty Dancing in the ring? What is happening.
– We have Tia vs. Bibiana, aka the girls who were crying in the corner earlier, and Tia takes her tf down. GO TIA!
– And then… this girl:
Group Date After Party
Arie – Today was… uncomfortable for me.
Me, yelling at my TV – THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE THEM DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!
Oh, is Krystal wearing a leotard? Bye.
Arie – It’s really hard having you in this room of all these women, you’re so sexy.
My roommates – GROSS WTF WHO IS THIS BITCH…. wait she hot though.
Watching this show with my male roommates is far more entertainment than I deserve.
Ok, Krystal walking into a room and being frozen out by everyone is both my dream (because it’s Krystal) and my worst nightmare (because awkward). But like, if Bibiana wants to stay here, she NEEDS to stop shit talking Krystal to Arie. Have you learned NOTHING from every *clap* other *clap* season of this show?!?!
Bekah M. is 22 and her longest relationship ended because she and her boyfriend “went in different directions” aka went to different colleges? High schools? Daycares???
Aaaand Bekah gets the rose, NONE FOR KRYSTAL BAI.
Krystal – I get hated on by girls. They just, hate me! I remember in 8th grade my friend wouldn’t bring her boyfriend around me because she was like, he’ll just break up with me.
Marikh – Yeah.
Krystal – And growing up I had to be, just like, SO strong, because I had to carry, like, SO much by myself.
Marikh – Yeah.
Krystal – Be a fighter… work… I’m going, like, very far… we’re going to be together.
Marikh – Yeah okay I get it can you fucking stop?!
1-on-1 date with Lauren S.
Lauren S. and Arie are at a winery. Her 2-packs-a-day voice makes me want to kill myself and let’s not forget that Becca met Rachel Zoe and got red bottoms, bye.
Lauren S. probably thinks she’s “quirky” and a “guys girl” because she’s wearing sneakers with her jumpsuit.
Ok, if I walked into a giant fucking banquet hall on a one on one date I wouldn’t be like “this is SOOOO cool!” I’d be like “why are you trying to murder me where are the humans??”
Arie – Tell me how you… came, to… come… here
Lauren S. – OH, HOW I CAME TO COME HERE? THAT’S A STORY I WOULD LOVE TO TELL! LET’S TALK ABOUT ALL OF MY OLD RELATIONSHIPS AND MY CAREER AND MY FAMILY AND MOM AND DAD BUT I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT THEM LATER NOW BACK TO MY SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE AND MY MOM HAD AN EYE INFECTION AND
Me – Ok, beer has worn off, time to get my wine.
ARIE IS SENDING HER HOME ON A ONE ON ONE I AM SHOOK AHHHHH. WHY DID HE PICK UP THE ROSE JUST TO REJECT HER?? WHY IS A STRING QUARTET PLAYING HER OUT?? HELP SOS
Arie – It’s a difficult goodbye
Me, shaking my TV – NO IT’S NOT YOU LIAR! YOU ARE FAKE NEWS!!
One of the producers comes in to grab Lauren’s bag and all of the girls start freaking out and crying… except Krystal, who smiles evilly. You’re a bitch, Krystal.
CAROLINE FOR THE WIN!
Caroline – Get off your high horse and stop being so condescending to everyone because you met his fucking dog. Relax. I’m literally crying because my friend left and she’s like “yeah, it’s alright, she’s gone!” I just would like Krystal to go home… yeah, oops! I said it.
I would like to take this moment to acknowledge that Caroline liked my tweet tonight. This is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.
Group Date #2
I would 8393858% rather go on a date with any of these dogs than Arie.
Annaliese, who has now had a traumatic experience with both bumper cars AND dogs, is truly the star of this show. Living for her montages. LIVING FOR THEM.
If I was on the Bachelor, I would tell the producers that I was afraid of the following things:
This is the biggest fucking train wreck of a dog show I have ever seen. A baby is crying, dogs are snarling, Jenna is being the most authentic version of her coked out self, etc. Let’s just start drinking already.
Group Date After Party
The girls are walking into an old bank.
Jenna – Everywhere he takes us is SO cool. The ROOMS are cool. The BUILDINGS are cool. The INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS I’m getting are cool. Cool!
Chelsea is trying to show Arie how maternal she is at every turn but ARIE AIN’T HERE FOR THAT HOMIE!!!
I actually fucking love Caroline and want her to be my best friend.
Caroline – *during their makeout, ruining the moment* the girls call you pillow lips hehehehe
YASSS WE ARE THE SAMEEEE
Ok, Arie and Becca K. are in love, sorry to the other girls but it’s over for you hoes.
Arie – Sorry, you just look really good in yoga pants.
Becca – Just give me a kiss right now, you’re cute.
Me – *Texting each of my ex-boyfriends* HI WHY DIDN’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THIS YOU ASSHOLE?!
Ex-BF – New phone, who dis?
Me – *throws phone out window*
Ok, has anyone else realized that this show is 1% Arie and 99% girls? This just shows that he has 0 personality. Girls, you’re ALL better than this. MEN ARE GARBAGE 2018!!!!
Omg Bekah M. is a SAVAGE AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH
Arie – Are you sure you want to get married?
Bekah – Yeah.
Arie – I’m not sure I see that.
Bekah – Yeah, you know why? It’s because I don’t NEED you. You’re consistently attracted to girls who NEED you, and I think it’s scary for you to see that I’d be fine by myself.
Arie – Oh, you’re good. You’re kinda nailin’ the… nailin’ the… uh… nailin’ it.
Bekah – Maybe that’s why you like moms.
Me – OOOOH YASSSS BEKAH! SLAYYYY BITCH! TAKE HIM THE FUCK DOWN YASSSS
My roommate – *looking up from basketball* Wait, what did I miss?
Arie – Moonshine tastes like gasoline in a good way.
Tia – You sweatin’? You lil’ bitch.
Arie has kissed like every person except Annaliese so sorry girl you’re in the damn friend zone.
Annaliese – Will you kiss me?
Arie, known worldwide as the “kissing bandit”, ON NATIONAL TELEVISION – I just… don’t think we’re there yet.
Me – NOOOO
Annaliese – I wonder if they’ll give me an Uber Black home or if they’ll make me take a pool?
ARIE JUST TOLD ANNALIESE THERE’S NO FUTURE FOR THEM AND I AM SHOOK. ARIE IS FUCKING SAVAGE. I want to invite him to brunch. Arie, have you heard of El Centro?
Roses go to Bekah M., Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B. (who is now just Lauren! Congrats girl!!), Brittany, Becca K., Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh.
Bibiana is gone! And, due to mid-episode cuts, she’s… the ONLY ONE going home at the rose ceremony?! DAGGER. You better sleep with one eye open, Arie.
Per the commercials for next week, they go to Tahoe! And
people who don’t stalk Bekah’s Instagram we finally find out her age!
Ok y’all, I’m going
to finish my wine and text more of my exes to bed. Night! See you tomorrow with a recap of tonight’s date!