Hello! It’s 7:55 PM, I’m eating my soup (help) and watching the tail end of Jeopardy, and my roommates are nowhere to be found. It’s quiet… too quiet.
My team at work is in a step challenge right now, so I put the bottle of wine on the counter in the kitchen. Let’s see how long this lasts. Also, is Alex Trebek ever going to retire? Asking for myself and my future career prospects. Well, enough rambling, onto the show!
We open on a hummingbird, then a shot of Bekah jumping into a pool. She’s just swimming around happily, oblivious to the shit being talked about her age inside the house. There are multiple girls who are 23 – why is 22 so different?! Poor Bekah.
Krystal – I’m really proud of Arie for sending Lauren S. home because
that means less people I have to whack he’s a man who really knows what he wants. And if he doesn’t know who else he wants to send home… then I’ll manipulate him with my creepy ASMR rasp be his voice of reason.
The girls are so freaking excited to leave the mansion, it’s like it’s a real prison rather than a giant-ass luxury home in Malibu. They’re going to Tahoe and the promo looks like a sorority rush video. “Go Tahoe!! You get so much dick in Tahoe! Tahoe sistas!!!”
The girls all love the house because South Lake Tahoe is “on their bucket list” (ok sure, fuck Mykonos, right?), MEANWHILE Kendall is geeking tf out because there are moose and deer heads on the wall. Take a deep breath, Kendall. You’re supposed to be focusing on Arie, dear.
Seinne gets a one-on-one date, which means at least 20 minutes of us watching this intelligent beautiful queen who went to Yale interact with a guy who barely made it through high school and worked at his hometown Pizza Hut. This show is so relatable, this is so much like my life.
Krystal – Seinne got a one-on-one date, and she’s probably going home tonight. That makes me happy.
You know how Trump only eats McDonalds because he’s afraid of being poisoned? That’s exactly how I would feel if I was staying in the same house as Krystal. Homegirl is CRAZY.
The girls have binoculars and they’re narrating their own nature film. “I see trees, and water, and snow! Mountains! Boats? What’s that? Arie and Seinne! Parasailing! Romance!”
Caroline – Imagine if they just fell in the water right now.
ILY Caro <3
1-on-1 with Seinne
Arie, master of romance, most interesting man in the world – It’s really amazing, how… clear… this lake is.
Arie – I love doing anything outdoors, you know? That’s why I love Scottsdale.
Sir, have you been to Scottsdale? This makes as much sense as saying “I want to get married, you know? That’s why I came on a reality dating show.”
Seinne is driving this whole damn conversation. ARIE YOU ARE TRASH. HOW HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED HOW TO CONVERSATION IN YOUR 36 YEARS OF LIFE.
Seinne – Wow, parasailing, what a surprise.
Arie – So were you surprised though?
Seinne – Bitch can you hear?
Maquel gets a phone call telling her that her grandpa died, and the producers FILM IT because no one on this show has a SOUL. All of the girls are really sweet and understanding but Krystal is probably like:
Seinne – So, Arie. Nice to be here. Why haven’t you been in love in 5 years?
SEINNNNNEEEEE. GET EM.
Arie – I feel like, since I was on Bachelorette, I’ve just been dating girls who aren’t ready for marriage because it’s been safe to me. Thus, the next logical step for me is to come on a show where every girl is trying to get married!
Seinne is so emotionally intelligent. Taylor Nolan, sit down. She gets a rose because Arie is like 9000 leagues below her so duh. SEINNE FOR BACHELORETTE! SEINNE 2020!
The girls are learning survival skills in the wilderness that are supposed to also help them survive in a relationship? K.
Random Old Dude – There are a lot of black bears out here.
Marikh – I’ve been outside once? To drink on a patio? So I’m probably gonna, like die?
I’m really not sure how this Kim Kardashian wannabe keeps getting roses when my homie Bibiana got sent home.
The first challenge is for the girls to PEE IN A CANISTER AND DRINK IT. Arie does it first and all the girls are SCREAMING IN DISGUST… except Tia.
Tia – I gotta say, I’m impressed. This man can make it.
Right as the girls are about to actually drink their own pee, Arie stops them and tells them it was apple juice. ARIE. WHY ARE YOU KILLING THE ENTERTAINMENT?! THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST EXCITEMENT WE’VE HAD ALL SEASON!
Jenna – I’ll drink my pee for Arie. For Arie, I’ll do anything.
Can someone get this girl a nurse?
They pull out some bugs for the girls to eat and Kendall and Tia have NEVER been this happy. Kendall and Arie are cheering and downing worms and maggots and I am cheering an downing wine, so same.
Kendall and Arie step aside to chat and Krystal is STALKING THEM THROUGH THE WOODS.
On to the next challenge! The girls are split up into 3 teams and given maps and compasses, and need to find their way to survival. Arie’s team is bouldering and crushing it, meanwhile Brittany T. is WAYYY OVER THIS and Marikh is worrying about her hair. This is good.
The end of the hike is a hot tub, and we FINALLY get to see Arie shirtless. I’m underwhelmed. He puts his arm around Krystal, Tia and Caroline mimic them across the hot tub, and Krystal is NOT having it.
Krystal – I feel attacked. You’re making Arie uncomfortable. You’re so desperate. You’re in high school. I have low self-esteem that I can’t help but project onto other girls. Wait, what?
Arie steals Lauren B. aside first.
Arie – I love
hot and underage independent women. I want to be as much of a cheerleader for my partner as she is for me.
Lauren B – Cool, that’s what I want too. I want to be old with someone and still smack them in the butt and tell dirty jokes.
Arie – Cool.
*Proceed to make out for twice as long as their conversation lasted*
Arie – You were so brave today.
Kendall – That’s just something I’ve always wanted to do! I’ve always wanted to eat a bunch of bugs.
Arie – That’s gross
Me – *splashes wine at TV as I gesture wildly* YOU’RE GROSS YOU OLD MAN!!!
Kendall brought a stuffed, taxidermy duck on the hike with her. Whaaaat the fuck.
Arie – …how???
Kendall – I keep him in my backpack! He hangs out on my shoulder, and in my hoodie…
Arie – Kendall is like… no one I’ve ever met. She’s quirky… but SO incredibly sexy.
READ: She’s hot, so he can look past the fact that she’s weird AF. Ok, Arie. We all see your priorities.
Krystal calling everyone juvenile and not self-aware is the most ironic thing ever. GROW UP KRYSTAL! YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE 5!
We are now going through a montage of all the girls shitting on and imitating Krystal. DRAG HERRRR.
Chelsea’s impression of Krystal’s baby voice is GIVING *clap* ME *clap* LIFE
While the girls were talking shit, Krystal went to go cry to Arie. Boo hoo, Krystal. BOO HOO.
Arie – They’re just jealous because you’re so beautiful and… yeah, that’s about it.
Krystal goes to sit with the girls and they all scoot away from her like she has the plague. Krystal reacts to being snubbed by TAKING CAROLINE AND TIA ASIDE. WHAT?! This ain’t your show! You don’t get to take people aside!
Krystal – I just wanted to let you know, that like… you hurt my feelings today…
Caroline – Oh, when Tia and I pretended we were dating?
Krystal – Yeah… it was obviously hurtful and directed towards me!
Caroline – Um, I was the one who was doing it, so I can say no.
Krystal – You hurt me, and I told Arie. I told him my feelings were hurt.
Tia – You did WHAT?!
Krystal is such a snitch. I’m over her. She’s not even funny anymore.
Tia goes to find Arie, leaving Caroline alone to be murdered by Krystal.
Tia – I find discomfort with you.
Luckily, Tia is too hot for Arie to send her home just because she’s not comfortable around him. Thank God because Tia is the hero we need, not the one we deserve.
Caroline – If Krystal gets the rose tonight, Tia is gonna speedbag her face.
Um, what is this? Speedbag her face? WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING MY WHOLE LIFE?!
Tia gets the rose. Krystal is confused.
Krystal – I feel like a lot of the girls here don’t operate at my level, so I’m interested to see who he lets go. They’re just annoyed because I come across as flawless.
Um. Krystal, your level is in the basement with the dumpsters. Only Beyoncé is flawless. Bye.
1-on-1 with Bekah
Okay, Arie looks like Mr. Rogers. Did he plan this because Bekah is underage? All signs point to yes. They’re horseback riding so Arie can make sure Bekah knows how to ride. Barf. Also, every time they kiss there’s SO MUCH TONGUE. I can’t watch.
Okay, here’s why Bekah is the best – she and Arie are having a REAL conversation where he’s ENGAGED, telling her about his car accidents. This chemistry is off the CHAIN. IDGAF how old she is, I love Bekah.
Arie – For love, you know… if it’s the right time, and it’s with the right person, then it’ll happen.
Bekah – Well, obviously… if it’s the right time and right person… that’s like the definition of love.
Arie – Ok listen up I’m just trying to figure out how old you are ok?!
Arie is every guy over 30 I’ve ever been on a date with.
Arie – 22… have you ever dated a guy my age?
That is ALWAYS the first question they ask. ALWAYS. Listen up, sir, a) that is none of your damn business and b) your emotional maturity is much more important than your real age. Bekah is years beyond Arie in maturity. CASE IN POINT:
Arie – You’re so young! Like, do you like to, go out a lot? And… party? Twerking – is that what they kids call it?
Bekah – Actually, I get to bed pretty early so that I can get up with the sun and go rock climbing with my friends.
Arie – …oh.
Arie, stop telling Bekah that she’s not emotionally ready to marry you. LET THE GIRL LIVE HER LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW HER. Ugh I’m so FRUSTRATED.
*clicks TV off*
*reluctantly clicks it back on, Arie is holding a rose*
BEKAH GETS THE ROSE! THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD! MY FAITH IN LOVE IS RESTORED! PRAISE BE TO
god QUEEN BEY!
Why are they still at the Lake Tahoe Hard Rock? Can they not afford anything else after buying Becca K. those Louboutins?
I’m just gonna re-emphasize how glad I am Jacqueline is still here. You’re doing UVA proud, girl.
Krystal looks like a muppet and I can’t get over it.
Bekah – Everyone has made up their mind that Krystal is fake and two-faced and no one wants to be around her.
Kendall – Every time Krystal speaks, it’s like she’s saying something a motivational speaker told her to say, not what she’s actually thinking.
There’s no cocktail party because Arie already knows what he wants. Surprise, bitches!
Arie’s about to start handing out roses and Krystal steals. Him. Away. Girl, you were already the most hated person in the house, but you just chose your death sentence.
Krystal – I just need you to know that I’m not here to play games.
Arie – I know, you’ve told me that 19 times today.
Roses go to: Seinne, Tia, Bekah M., Lauren B., Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and… OK, THIS LAST ROSE BETTER GO TO CAROLINE OR ELSE I WILL THROW MY TELEVISION OUT THE DAMN WINDOW I SWEAR TO GOD.
KRYSTAL?!!?!?! AHHH! HOW?! WHY???? ARE YOU THERE, GOD?! IT’S ME, THE FULL BOTTLE OF RED WINE I JUST CHUGGED. Caroline, girl, come to DC. We’ll be thots together. You and me.
Ok guys, I’m over this show. There is no hope. Bye forever.
…jk. Marikh is confronting Chelsea.
Marikh – I hear you told Arie that I was using the compass to do my hair. Well, you know how women slut-shame and body-shame? You are glam-shaming me.
Chelsea – I don’t know what to say. I was a former model. Getting glam is part of the job. I have never been accused of being anti-glam. For the record, I am pro-glam!
Okay, this is no Alexis Waters, but I can get behind this. Maybe I’ll keep watching the show after all… but just for you. And for glam-shaming.