Bachelor, Bachelor Arie, J

Bachelor Arie: Krystal vs. The World (Episode 5)

It’s Monday! I cut my finger opening a bottle of wine so tonight is already going swell! But at least I’m watching with friends tonight! Aaaand we have these dope Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip-Pretzel Cookies I made. Recipe to come on Scones & Patron Wednesday!

But enough cookie talk, let’s get on to the show!

ABC – *Gets rid of Caroline from Ft. Lauderdale*
ABC – *Goes to Ft. Lauderdale*
Did they get a bulk discount on flights or something?! This is just cold. Sorry Caro!

Becca K. – This is amazing! There’s tons of water, tons of boardwalks, palm trees, city, wow!
Becca K. has literally never been to a hotel before. Didn’t you go on spring break, girl??? Also, Ft. Lauderdale is NOT a sexy place to fall in love. It’s a place where you get kicked out of a bar for faceplanting on the floor and chipping your front tooth. But I digress.

Chelsea gets the first one-on-one. It’s not even a date card, Arie just walks in and asks her out. LOW EFFORT, ARIE. NOT HOT.

Um, ok. Caroline, the best person EVER, is gone, but Maquel gets to come back after missing a rose ceremony?! I AM OUTRAGED.

1-on-1 with Chelsea

Chelsea and Arie are on a boat and I want them to recreate the entirety of Titanic but especially the part where Arie dies. SHE LET GO, JACK. SHE LET GO.

Chelsea – I’m on a dreamboat, but I’m also with a dreamboat.
Me – *Vomits into wine glass*

Remember last week when they gave the girls binoculars to spy on Arie’s date with Seinne? Well, this week they get a telescope! Bachelor interns, the real MVPs.

Chelsea and Arie are at dinner and they’re talking about her ex.
Chelsea – Yeah, he was older, and more successful, and I just got trapped.
Me – HMMMM SOUNDS FAMILIAR?!?!
Chelsea – 
We were together for 7 years and separated when my son was 6 months old. He left me for another woman, they’re married now and just had a child. I was left with my belongings in trash bags.
Arie – *Visibly yawning* God, that must be so tough for you.

Chelsea – At the end of the day, I have the least the I’ve ever had, but I feel like I have the most. What made today great was absolutely you.
Arie – Aw, you’re sweet.

YOU’RE GARBAGE, ARIE.

Who pours these wine glasses?! They are TRIPLES. I’m here for this.

Chelsea gets the date rose because she spilled her soul and has nice tits.

Group Date

They’re going bowling and ARIE JUST LICKED A BOWLING BALL HELP THIS IS UNSANITARY. HELLO 911 I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT AN EMERGENCY.

Jenna just ate Tide Pods or some shit and Arie is INTO IT.
Jenna – YEAH BITCHES WE’RE 10s AND YOU’RE 4s HAHAHA LALALAAAAA!!! 
Arie –
That was amazing!
Everyone in this room – What the ACTUAL fuck just happened.

This is the first time there has ever been beer on this show, and I’m pretty sure every one of these girls is BLACKOUT DRUNK.

The blue team (aka Krystal) wins, then Krystal does a cartwheel and gives another unwanted motivational speech.
Krystal – Bring it on in! Cheers! This is the best. Day. Ever!!! LOVE ME ARIE!!!!

In a move that will certainly seal his death sentence, Arie decides to invite BOTH teams to the cocktail party. I see murder in Krystal’s eyes. Watch out, Arie, she knows where your family lives.

Cocktail Party

The girls are getting ready, and Krystal emerges in a robe. The girls ask if she’s coming, and she says no.
Krystal – Arie was disrespectful. He didn’t ASK me if he could invite your team to the cocktail party. My bags are packed. This is all a publicity stunt to get more Instagram followers for my fitness channel. Wait, what?

The girls go downstairs without Krystal, rolling their eyes the whole way.
Arie – We’re all here!
Jenna – We’re not all here.
Arie – …Krystal’s not here?
Girls- Yeah… she’s called you a disrespectful liar, like, a lot of times.
Arie – Well, that’s awkward.
*silence*
Arie – Better go check on her then!
Girls – ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT?!

ARIE YOU ARE ENABLING HER!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING IN YOUR 36 LONG YEARS OF LIFE?!?!?!

Krystal – I just felt… I don’t feel ok… you said one thing, and then changed your mind.
Arie – I can do what I want, I’m the fucking Bachelor.
Krystal – But we were fighting to spend time with you.
Arie – Yeah, but it’s my show.
Krystal – I felt passionate, and I felt hurt.
Arie – I think you should stay up here tonight. I don’t want to hear one more second of your annoying voice I’ll see you in a few days. *leaves without kissing her*.

DRAG HER, ARIE. DRAG HERRRRR.

Arie – Krystal won’t be joining us, so we’ll have the night to ourselves.
R – I wonder if this is what it’s like to be a Saudi Prince.
Me – *Spits out cracker in a hyena-esque cackle*

Becca – I was his first date… and I plan to be his last.
Lol OK BECCA.

Arie – Becca, since we had the first date I wanted to give you a little something extra special.
Me – YOU ALREADY GAVE HER RED BOTTOMS OLD MAN.

OH NO KRYSTAL IS GETTING READY TO GO DOWNSTAIRS OMG OMG I’M HYPERVENTILATING.
Bekah – *Holding hands in a circle with the other girls* I pray that amidst all of this, may Krystal find the peace that she thinks she has.
THEY ARE PRAYING WHILE KRYSTAL IS WALKING IN AHHH I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.

Side note: My friends and I are spending the commercial break googling Mike Fleiss’ net worth. As one does. Also, did you know that Steve Harvey and Ice Cube are BOTH worth $140M? Does this seem wrong to ANYONE else?!?!

Back to the show! Krystal is stirring up shit. Lauren B. is the first to storm off, followed by Marikh.

Bekah – Krystal, you said you weren’t coming to the party, but now you’re here. It seems like you changed your mind… just like Arie did. So is he still a liar? Or did he just change his mind like you did?

Krystal, fraught by the savagery of Bekah’s statement, storms out. I sense a storm a-brewin’. But back to Lauren B., who has managed to find Arie!

Lauren B. – Arie, what’s your favorite color? How do you like your eggs in the morning? How do you take your coffee? Do you mind that I have the personality of nonfat vanilla yogurt?
Does Lauren B. have any other facial expression besides none?

Arie’s obviously into that, because he gives Lauren B. the date rose.
S – WHAT?! WHY??? BECAUSE YOU TOLD HIM YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?! I’M SO UPSET!!!!
Me – *Finishes bottle of wine*

One-on-One with Tia

They’re at the Everglades and Tia is RIGHT at home.
Tia – WE NEED A GATOR CALL!
Tia – The view is so gorgeous! Nothing but sky, and water, and… sky!

Uh oh, danger lurks… a gator approaches. Arie takes it on like a man.
Arie – In a way, it reminds me, that love can be kind of scary.
Everyone in the room: *spits out wine in hysterical laughter*

I’m not sure the guy showing them around his house (restaurant?) is speaking English.
Um, do Tia and Arie EVEN APPRECIATE that they are LITERALLY with the man who invented deep fried corn on the cob?! BOW DOWN.

Tia is alternating between telling Arie she doesn’t want him to stereotype her as a southern girl and explaining how she hunts frogs with a “gig.” Arie is fully inveted in this conversation.
Arie – Wow, that boat over there has a huge engine. I know that, because I’m a car guy.

WHO IS IN CHARGE OF POURING THESE GLASSES OF WINE AND WHY WASN’T I INFORMED OF THE JOB OPENING?!

Tia gets a rose. Duh.

Cocktail Party

Krystal – Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room, I was investing in myself.
Thank you, Krystal, for giving me an excuse to not leave my bed until 3 PM every Sunday. I’M INVESTING IN MYSELF.

I love Kendall. She’s so well-spoken and pretty and actually legitimately insane.
Kendall – I planned a game using my question book! If you were visiting a tribe whose tradition was to eat someone who had passed away, would you eat human meat?
Arie – Uh… no.
Kendall – Really? I would! Human curiosity!
If Krystal disappears, it’s probably because Kendall ate her.

Krystal has decided that the appropriate course of action for airing grievances is to hold office hours. Good, Krystal.
Krystal – I want to talk to you girls. If you want to know what’s on the quiz tomorrow talk, come see me privately.

Kendall is the first to go in. EAT HER ALIVE!

Tia – I’m just SO tired of Krystal saying “I’m hurt, I’m hurt”
Krystal – *in the next room* I’m upset! I’m hurt!
I’ve started taking a shot every time Krystal says she’s “hurt” and I’m currently hovering on the precipice of a blackout.

Jacqueline never gets air time but I LOVE her GO HOOOOOS.

Krystal – I’m HURT.
Me – *Takes 13th shot*

Krystal – I really feel like a lot of the girls here don’t operate at my level, and I’m tired of stooping to theirs. *flicks fingers* That’s glitter. GLITTER.
Krystal please stop trying to ruin glitter for me.

Arie – Yo bitch you REALLY have to chill, like I know the producers are making me keep you around but it’s hard to make it believable when you’ve created individual voodoo dolls for each of the girls.
Krystal – It’s not my fault! I’ve just been having, uh… traumatic flashbacks! Of my mother! She bowled, like, a lot! I grew UP in a bowling alley! AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!
@Annaliese how do you feel about Krystal stealing your “childhood trauma” schtick?

Rose Ceremony

Why are Arie and Chris Harrison wearing the same thing? Also, where has Chris Harrison been hiding? Has he been here the whole time???

Roses go to: Chelsea, Lauren B, Tia, Bekah M, Seinne, Kendall, Becca K, Jacqueline, Jenna, and…

Krystal – If Arie doesn’t give me the rose, I feel like he’s taking the easy way out with me.
Me – YEAH BECAUSE THE DIFFICULT WAY IS YOU MURDERING HIM IN HIS SLEEP!

Final rose goes to Krystal. TG I’m watching this at my friend’s house and I can’t in good conscience smash her TV into the ground.

Byeee Marikh, Ashley and Maquel!!!! Kinda forgot you were on this show!!

Ok, y’all. Last week the show ended with glam-shaming, this week we have old ladies. Here for it.
Margaret – 
What do you think about the fantasy suite, Arie? *winks suggestively*
Arie – I don’t know, what do you think?
Marge – I think it’s a GREAT idea!

Gertrude – Do you hold your balls right?
Arie – You’re naughty!!!

Finally, some age appropriate women for Arie. He even acknowledges it! I love an old man who’s self-aware.

Alright y’all, let’s hope there’s a 2-on-1 next week where Arie can strand Krystal on an island or something. Til then, I’ll be drinking heavily.

XOXO,
J

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