Hey y’all! How are you doing? I got terrible food poisoning from a Super Bowl party last night and may have the flu, so I am just thriving! But Bach waits for no illness. I have a strawberry smoothie instead of wine and am hoping Krystal gets voted off and gives me a second wind. If she doesn’t, I might just end it all. On to the show!
We open on these girls discovering Paris.
Bekah M. attempts a terrible French accent, and the girls all geek out. “Wow! The Eiffel Tower is right there!”
The Bachelor is the perfect opportunity for anyone who never studied abroad.
Aaand here’s our villainess, at it again!
Krystal – I’m looking forward to spending time with Arie and picking up our conversation and moving forward.
Other Girls – *Are visibly about to vomit*
Same, ladies. Same.
Chris Harrison comes out and announces that they will be having 4 dates this week – two 1-on-1s, a group date, and a 2-on-1.
Krystal – I wonder who will be on the 2-on-1 with me. I’m not backing down and running away, I’m just on a different level than the other girls and they can’t compare.
Ok, actually vomiting this time. Related more to Krystal than food poisoning. Or something like that.
Can it, Krystal. I think I speak for all of America when I say WE’RE OVER YOU.
Arie walks out and sounds like Big Bird for some reason and I can’t get past it.
Krystal – I mean, Arie can go with a softer woman like Lauren… but doesn’t he want a strong, real WO-MAN?!
Me – *Chugs Dayquil in hopes I get some kind of high that will carry me through*
1-on-1 with Lauren B.
I CAN’T WAIT FOR LAUREN B. TO ASK MORE ENTHRALLING QUESTIONS!!
Arie – I am super attracted to Lauren. She is soooo beautiful. Other than that… I don’t really know anything about her. But, like – I want to!
Ok, Arie. Glad to see your deep side.
Arie – This date is going to be so incredible.
*Footage shows the two of them walking around Paris in complete silence*
Arie – Wow, this is so pretty.
Lauren B. –
Arie – Wow, amazing!
Lauren B. –
Arie – That bird has feathers! That dog has 4 legs. Look, a building!
Lauren B – Wait, what? Sorry, I’m just trying to take everything in.
END IT NOWWWWWWW.
Arie – I would love more than anything for you to like me.
Lauren – Mhm.
Arie – I have a crush on you and I want you to like me back.
Lauren – Yeah.
Arie – You’re so beautiful please say something so I don’t have to send you home.
I feel like if Arie had access to his phone he’d be texting his friends to call him about an “emergency” right about now.
Ah, Lauren B. can’t open up until she TRUSTS someone. Sounds like the PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR A DATING TV SHOW WHERE YOU GET ENGAGED AFTER 2 MONTHS.
Arie, grasping at straws for something that makes Lauren B. react, Arie tells her a story of the time when he neglected his girlfriend and she had a miscarriage.
Lauren – Wow, that’s… terrible. Ok, here’s why I’m fucked up. My parents have been together for almost 30 years now, but they haven’t always had an easy marriage, so that’s why I’m so standoffish. Also, my last relationship failed, and we were engaged, so that’s also messed up.
My roommate – That was a good monologue she had there. She’s going to win.
Now they switch to happy music so Arie is giving her a rose despite the fact that she has the personality of plain yogurt, YAY.
The girls are going to the Moulin Rouge and they are SO EXCITED. I can tell because every word Tia is saying is getting bleeped out.
There is more planned dancing and Seinne is CRUSHING it. YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR ARIE, SEINNE! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
Jenna – I never thought I’d be at the Moulin Rouge, I never thought I’d be on a date with the most gorgeous guy alive.
Me – *Spits out smoothie*
All the girls are like “this is the outfit I was born to wear, I never want to take this off, I have never felt so glamorous”
Becca K. – I fucking hate this outfit.
If anyone had any doubts that Arie is a fucking perv, those should all be wiped away now that he’s had the girls all “audition” for him in thongs.
Arie – The rose tonight won’t be based off today. It’ll be based off my overall connection up to this point.
Me – THAT’S NOT HOW THE GROUP DATE ROSE WORKS, ARIE!!!
Bekah is talking and so honest and mature and I love her and Arie is just staring at her like “Shut up let me kiss you fool” ugh ARIE YOU ARE TRASH.
^Arie’s face waiting for every girl to finish talking so he can kiss her.
Arie – Is a French kiss in France… just a kiss?
Me – IS THE MOST BORING OLD MAN IN THE WORLD IN FRANCE STILL THE MOST BORING OLD MAN IN THE WORLD?!
Anyway, Bekah M. gets the date rose and gets to have her daddy-daughter dance in the Moulin Rouge with Arie! Go Bekah M.! The other girls on the date are clearly impressed.
2-on-1 with Kendall and Krystal
Arie – I’ve never been on a date with two women at the same time.
Me – In WHAT OTHER situation could that have happened, Arie?! PLEASE ADVISE???
It’s Kendall and Krystal, and Krystal thinks she has this one on lock.
Krystal – Kendall is shitting her pants right now. How boring are the other relationships compared to ours? Baby, I’m wife material – FUN wife material.
Arie is taking Kendall and Krystal to a chateau and makes them race through a MAZE to find him. This is literally my worst nightmare, I cry every time I’m in a corn maze. Actually, maybe this should have been a date for Annaliese? I would kill for a traumatic maze flashback.
Anyway, Krystal does really well in the maze, as most rats do.
Krystal – I was surprised we were on this together… I’m surprised that Kendall was on here with me… I just don’t think she’s ready for a relationship, or marriage, and I don’t know why she’s here.
Arie – Lol ok sure.
Krystal – My talk with Arie went super well. It was JUST like talking to my boyfriend. It was so great.
Arie – Hey, yeah, sooooo… Krystal said she doesn’t think you’re ready for marriage.
Kendall – THAT CONNIVING BITCH?! KRYSTAL IS A VIRGIN WHO CAN’T DRIVE.
Kendall confronting Krystal is everything.
Kendall – Hey, so, Arie told me you told him that I’m not ready for marriage and I’m here for the wrong reasons?!
Krystal – Yeah!
Kendall – Ok, well that’s not true and was very out of line. Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t mean you won… it means you hurt someone.
KENDALL. YA DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO THE DEVIL. LET IT GO, GIRL.
Krystal – In our discussion earlier, I felt it became so apparent to me that I don’t know you very well, because we have a lot of the same beliefs.
Kendall – Yeah, we might have the same beliefs, but we express them differently.
Krystal – Well, when you were talking to me, it felt a bit patronizing.
Kendall – I understand that it might be hard for you to connect with people, but…
Krystal – I don’t have problems connecting with people.
Kendall – I mean, well…
Krystal – I DON’T HAVE PROBLEMS CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE!!!
Tia – If Krystal gets the rose today, I might as well jump in a river.
Bekah – I don’t think Krystal will get the rose, but NO ONE thought Trump was going to be elected president, and look what we have here!
Bekah is comparing Krystal to Trump and tbh that is a FAR worse insult than saying she has trouble connecting with people.
Kendall gets the rose and Krystal is GONE. BYE, BITCH!
When the girls realize it’s Krystal’s suitcase being taken away, they start popping bottles and screaming. Like, same.
1-on-1 with Jacqueline
Arie pulls up in a cherry red car… aaaand the car breaks down 10 feet later. Arie takes a video with a selfie stick, because they blew the budget for a camera crew on the car.
J – I got to watch him in his element, Mr. Car Man. It is so hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.
Arie is taking Jacqueline shopping AGAIN. WHAT IS YOUR PRETTY WOMAN FETISH, ARIE?!
Arie – What I like most about Jacqueline is that she’s very funny, and goofy, but at the same time she’s a very attractive and intelligent woman.
Is… is Jacqueline actually the best???
Jacqueline – I don’t know why I came in here with so many insecurities.
Arie – Show me your doubts. I love that.
Me – *Throwing saltines at the tv* YOU’RE A CREEPY WEIRDO ARIE!!
Jacqueline – Idk, I think it’s just that I’ve felt more like an experiment than someone you’re actually interested in.
Arie – I’ll be honest, you came in here and I was like “damn, she’s way too intelligent for me”. I just don’t know if I would know how to interest you.
THIS CONVO IS SO REAL AHHH. They’re talking about her PhD goals, him holding other women back, basically all I’m hearing is that Jacqueline is WAYYY too good for Arie.
Yet, he gives her the rose. YAS JACQUELINE. GO HOOS!
Roses to – Lauren B., Bekah M., Kendall, Jacqueline, Tia, Seinne, and Becca K. Bye Jenna! Bye Chelsea! Catch you on
Sugar Bear Hair Instagram advertisements the flip!
These girls are NOT taking rejection well.
Jenna – *sobbing* I think Arie’s great! He’s amazing! I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out!
Chelsea – I actually felt a connection with Arie, I think that’s the saddest part! Every single time, that’s where I go wrong – I’m just so hopeful! I WANT LOVE!
Meanwhile Lauren B. is off in the corner throwing a bitch fit about how she’s getting annoyed over the smallest things. Can’t wait to see how this plays out next episode!
Ok, I’m about to go drown myself in Nyquil, message hundreds of guys on Bumble and hope that tomorrow is a better day. Smell ya later!