Woooo it’s Monday! Today on the world’s most boring season of The Bachelor, we’re going to Tuscany, the “epitome of Italy.” Suuuure.
Arie – I can’t wait to… drink wine! And… eat pasta! And… shit, what else is there to do in this country?
Ugh. Arie. Just ugh.
I would also like to note that today I’m watching with 2 of my best friends, R and S, and a bunch of S’s roommates. I bet $100 that the conversation in this room will be infinitely more entertaining than whatever happens in Arie-land.
We learn that 3 girls are going home before hometowns next week, and the pressure is ON. But can we all just take a moment to remember hometowns last season when we met Dean’s yoga-cult-leader father and everyone was SHOOK? And then Rachel just CUT him?? Poor Dean. Little fuckboy Deanie Babies.
I’m snapped back to reality when Jacqueline uses the word “precipice.” I’m 100% sure Arie doesn’t even know what that word means. Ah, what an enticing pick to be each of these 7 ladies’ next husband.
One-on-One with Becca K.
Arie picks Becca K. up in what I’m pretty sure is the same red car that broke down in Paris last week on his one-on-one with Jacqueline. Hopefully this goes better for Becca than it did for Jacqui.
R – He almost reminds me of a vampire from Twilight.
What a coincidence, because this is about to be every dad at hometowns next week:
They’re having the most awkward conversation with a bread street vendor who doesn’t speak English and all I can think of is that Becca K. has absoLUTELY not eaten a carb since 2009.
Becca – *pours her soul out to Arie about how she really likes him and she’s here for him and for the right reasons*
Arie – I love that.
ARIE! YOU ARE TRASH!!!
Arie – I care about you.
Becca – I care about you.
Me – I care about WINE.
Back at the mansion, Jacqueline is crying because she’s not ready to bring Arie to meet her family. Kendall, KWEEN of deep conversations, is acting as her spiritual guide. TBH at this point Kendall’s gotten so much emotional intelligence cred that she might be the next Bachelorette. Somewhere in the distance, Taylor Nolan sheds a single tear.
The date card comes and it’s ANOTHER one-on-one with Lauren B. I immediately leave the house to buy another bottle of wine and a red bull to get through the impending snooze-fest.
In a surprising turn of events, Jacqueline walks into Arie’s room and confronts him because she doesn’t feel like she’s “ready”.
J – I just feel like one day we’re going to end up married in Scottsdale and I’m going to wake up and freak out because we never had a base and because I’m a PhD genius and you didn’t go to college!
Arie – But… we’ve been on a date? We do have a base???
Jacqueline goes home gracefully and of her on accord, once again proving that UVA girls are smart and rational
and sometimes run dating blogs. Leaving with grace and dignity, J. You go girl.
One-on-One with Lauren B.
Arie is standing on the back of the bike seat and it is literally the most interesting thing he’s done all season. If he falls though he’s DEFINITELY going to break one of his fragile, elderly hips.
R – I think you could fit a whole other leg in her thigh gap. There’s a LOT of space there.
Potential eating disorder aside, Lauren B. has said more than “Wow” on their date, so things are really looking up! Also, figured out why Arie likes her even though she’s a real mute…
SOMEONE hasn’t moved on. Arie, sorry to tell you this, but Emily is married with beautiful kids. Time to face the music, old sport.
During dinner, Lauren tells Arie that she’s starting to fall in love with him and he STANDS UP AND WALKS AWAY. ARIE. WHYYYYY.
R – He’s probably going to ghost her and never come back.
My friends are savage.
Anyway, Lauren B., who has literally never shown any emotion whatsoever, starts crying. Good work, asshole.
Arie is back from farting in the woods or whatever the fuck he was doing, gets more emotional than he has all season and tells her that he’s falling in love with her too.
Roomie 1 – Why? She’s so boring!
S (who went through a breakup 24 hours ago) – IT’S BECAUSE MEN LIKE SUBMISSIVE AND QUIET WOMEN WHO DON’T HAVE PERSONALITY OR AMBITION OR ANYTHING GOING FOR THEM BUT THEIR LOOKS!!
*Commercial comes on*
S – FUCK ROM COMS!
*Other commercial comes on*
S – THIS IS A STUPID CULTURAL TREND!
*3rd commercial comes on*
S – YAS GIRL BURN YOUR WEDDING DRESS!!!
I pour S another glass of wine.
One-on-One with Seinne
THESE PUPPIES ARE THE CUTEST THINGS THAT HAVE EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW AND I WILL GO TO THE GRAVE TO DEFEND THIS STATEMENT.
After hunting for some fresh truffles, they get kidnapped by a random Italian family and start cooking. They make pasta, and then get to work on some pizza.
Arie – Yeah, I used to work at a pizza place, so this is really bringing me back.
Me – PIZZA HUT. YOU WORKED. AT. PIZZA HUT.
Seinne and Arie are hanging out SEPARATELY with this random Italian family. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY AREN’T THEY TOGETHER??
Seinne – I’ve always viewed love as weakness, so it was weird for me to see all these Italian people like, being so proud about love.
Arie – Oooh, yeah, not sure how I feel about a beautiful model who went to an Ivy who’s opening up to love.
ARIE. DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO HOLD THE DAMN ROSE WHILE YOU REJECT HER. UGH. YOU ARE FILTHY.
R – Why is she getting in a random black van in a foreign country?! This is how Taken starts!!!
Don’t be crazy, R. Liam Neeson is for SURE a better catch than Arie.
Group date with Tia, Kendall and Bekah M.
Literally none of these dates are planned activities. They’re just all hangin out at random spots in Italy. My last Bumble date was a better planner than this.
Arie steals Kendall away.
S – LOOK HOW SHORT HER SKIRT IS! THAT’S NOT LADYLIKE! THAT HUSSY!
Roomie 2 (a male) – I don’t know, I kind of like it.
S – UGH! MEN!!!
Breakups are terrible, but are GREAT for entertainment.
Tia’s starting to stir up “Bekah M. is here for the wrong reasons” drama. Oooooh Tia, you’re going down a dark road.
Tia – I don’t like feeling like I’m petty or talking about people, but Arie… your heart is on the line here, and I really care about you.
R – I want her to narrate an audiobook that I can fall asleep to.
S – I really hate that single blonde piece of her hair in the front. It makes her look like… Frankenstein’s bride!
Me – *Spits wine on the cat*
Bekah M. is crying and HER TEARS ARE BLACK. BLACK!! WHY DID YOU NOT WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA ON THE BACHELOR? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN?!
Kendall gets the group date rose, which is great because I’m REALLY EXCITED to see how much taxidermy she has in her house.
AND THEN THERE WERE TWOOOOOOO but like tbh if Bekah made it to hometowns then she probably wouldn’t be listed as a missing person in the state of California so it’s pretty clear where this is going.
Tia – Arie, my love for you grows every time I see you.
This is EXACTLY how I feel about tacos. Thank you, Tia, for putting this delicate emotion into words.
Aaaand Bekah goes home. TBH I’m not sure why Arie didn’t keep her around until fantasy suites so he could hook up with a 22 year old on tv. It would give him some serious street cred with the srat girls he usually hangs out with.
Anyway, that’s all til next week! I will absolutely be recapping Bachelor Winter Games – fret not – but of course Mike Fleiss oh so spitefully planned them for nights I host trivia. Alas. Better late than never, right? Right. Glad we agree.