Another January, another batch of
crazy fucking bitches Bachelor contestants. Joy.
This time around there’s not a single Chicken Enthusiast, Free Spirit, or Dolphin to be found, but fret not – I know plenty of girls with normal job titles who are still crazy. Not me, of course. But like… other people. Yeah, other people.
Let’s take a look at the new batch of crazies vying for Arie Lululala Jr’s attention, shall we?
Did someone drug Ali before this picture was taken? Serious question. Ali seems to be just as exciting as vanilla yogurt. An Oklahoma girl who’s embarrassed that she listens to Nickelback? I have a feeling Ali won’t last long.
If Amber had to get lunch with 3 people alive or dead she would choose Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs and her grandpa. I think Amber misunderstood the question. Amber is confusing because she’s a “business owner” and talks about how hard she worked to launch her business, but she also wants to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid because she’s a beautiful mermaid who can sing. Such depth, Amber. Such depth.
Annaliese gives me strong Olivia Caridi crazy-eyes vibes. Also, she has so many teeth. Is this normal? Are there any dentists reading this who can comment?
The three foods that Annaliese can’t live without are avocados, cheese and ice cream, and she wants to be Chrissy Teigen or Miley Cyrus for a day because they’re “fierce.” Tbh same so I can’t knock her for this. We shall see how Annaliese plays out. We shall see.
Ashley is the “cool, relatable girl” because one of her favorite movies is Superbad and she HATES doing laundry. It takes, like, a WHOLE week for her to fold the laundry after she does it!
Ashley, sweetie, do you really thing our race car driving Bachelor is going to want to stare at your unfolded laundry on the bed every time he comes home from cheating on you? Probably not. Nice knowing you!!
Who chooses and these headshots?! Becca K. looks like a deer in the headlights. Also, let it be known that this is the first of our duplicate name series. Do you mean to tell me that out of the
billions thousands of women who apply to be on The Bachelor, you can’t find ones with unique names? There are like, 7 Brittanys and 9 Laurens. Please try harder.
Anyway, Becca #1 seems pretty normal, although she might like musicals too much (citing Sister Act 2 in two of her answers). Also, one of the five things she can’t live without are stamps. Why, bitch? What are you mailing? Arie, you are warned.
Bekah is an ageless nanny so that’s promising. ABC, did you leave out her age on purpose? Is this girl under 18? I have questions.
Bekah’s guilty pleasure is “binge watching reality tv and eating bags of popcorn in place of meals” so, yep, all signs point to underage. The Bachelor: Roy Moore edition.
If Bibiana could be any animal she would be a “free orca” but she’s also afraid of sharks so I don’t think she’s quite ready for the ocean. She also wishes she “could be art” and her guiltiest pleasure is “popping pimples.” Bibs, you’re hot, but also you need to chill out if you want to make it past episode one. Just saying.
Apparently Bri won an Emmy award for being a sports reporter so why does she need to be on this show? Oh, for more Instagram followers? Right. Makes sense. Bri also hates when her date “is boring” which is really unique, wow, Bri, such a trailblazer. Down with boring dates!!!
She’s really hot though soooo Bri could be around for a while, despite being 11 years younger than Arie. Oh my god he’s so old.
Brittane looks like a low-rent Nicki Minaj and also spells her name wrong, which my computer’s autocorrect won’t let me forget. Ugh, life is so hard. She wants to have lunch with Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders and Beyoncé. Do any of these girls realize all these people are having lunch together?? I’m not sure how Bernie would feel about this matchup. But I digress.
Being married means EVERYTHING to Brittane – in 5 years she sees herself married and working towards having a child. Lol not same, not same at all. Did the producers just pick her because they want to make sure the show doesn’t come down to another Peter Kraus propose-gate? Probably.
BRITTANY T. MY GIRL. And I quote: “Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” SHE GETS IT! Don’t find love on apps, find it on reality television!! This is what we have all been doing wrong!!!
In 5 years she wants to be married with 2 corgis. I love this girl. Please move to DC and be my best friend.
Caroline is 5’10 in a sea of 5’5 and below bitches so I’m rooting for her and I haven’t even read her bio. Let’s see if what I’m about to read changes my mind.
She has a plant named Phil! I used to have a ficus named Phil! She loves Celine Dion! She was a cheerleader. Is… is Caroline me?? *reads next line* Oh, she was a pageant queen? Never mind, moving on.
Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Girl. When asked whether she preferred hot or cold weather, she stated that her “ideal weather would be mid-70’s sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium.”
Happy medium doesn’t win you The Bachelor, Chels. Stealing Arie away at every given opportunity and not giving a fuck about making friends wins you The Bachelor. Take your Swiss neutrality and gtfo.
Jacqueline and I went to the same college, so I would like to like her. And I do like her… but not for this show. You’re too smart for this, Jackie! You’re getting a PhD in chemical psychology! You used the words “David Foster Wallace” and “antipasta”! Run far, far away while you still have your dignity.
And now, ladies and gents, we enter what I like to call “the row of blondes.” Seriously, take a look at these girls:
Will Arie be able to tell them apart? Only time will tell.
If Jenna were a fruit, she would be a pineapple. One time I told this to a senior manager and she said “why, because you’re prickly and sour?” I responded by blacking out. The senior manager didn’t last long at our company. Neither will Jenna.
Jenny’s biggest fear is picking the wrong person to marry, so a TV show where she will be forced to become engaged to the star if she makes it far enough seems like the perfect place for her!
I foresee some competition between “chill girls” Jenny and Ashley. Jenny cites 21 Jump Street as one of her favorite movies (I mean, Channing Tatum. I’ll give her this one.), spends her Sundays lying in bed eating pizza and watching reality TV, and loves camping (“I love camping. Curling up in blankets in a tent after a day of fishing, hiking, and beer is one of my favorite things.” GAG ME). Can’t wait to see the claws come out between these two!
Ooh, a Canadian television personality! Where have I heard that one before? Will the real Vanessa Grimaldi please stand up?
Notable quotes from Jessica’s bio:
“Kissing is my favorite food. Lol.” Sure, Jess, kissing is nice, but have you tried hungover Ramen?
“I love to live life with a “YES” perspective!” Oh boy, Arie is gonna love this one in the fantasy suites.
“Every year my family and I build homes for homeless families in Mexico. We have built 20 homes and I plan to continue every year!” Jessica has the grammatical sense of a 6th grader. Good to know.
I know from Reality Steve that Kendall has a sister named Kylie so clearly she was destined
to become famous for doing absolutely nothing for greatness.
Kendall has a lot of red flags in her bio. A LOT of red flags. Let’s begin:
“I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.”
“What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.”
“What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, easy smile, can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body.”
Kendall, blink twice if you need help. ABC is here for you.
Ah, Krystal with a K. Our resident
stripper fitness coach. If she was an animal she would be a unicorn, because she’s horny those who believe in magic will find it. Ok Krystal. Sure.
Lauren B. begins on my shit list because I’m still emotionally scarred from when the OG Lauren B. stole my husband, Ben Higgins. V rude, Lauren B. She begins by saying that the most embarrassing thing she listens to is “T-Swift (so basic)” and then immediately says she wants to be Elsa because she’s always wanted to be a Disney princess. Update: Lauren B. is 7 years old. Arie probably likes that in a girl.
Are you as upset as I am that we’re only halfway through the Laurens? Hopefully. This Lauren wants to have purple hair and is scared of grocery shopping because there are “too many options.” Well, congratulations, Lauren! There are no options for you on this show. It’s just Arie. Just a graying nobody who’s 10 years your senior. Joy.
Lauren J. is 33! Hooray for age appropriateness!
…what’s that? She’ll probably be nixed in episode 1 for being too old? I hate everything.
Lauren J. is from Louisiana and begins her “5 things she can’t live without” list with “Mama” and now I can’t stop reading in a Southern drawl.
Lauren J. thinks the best way to “really impress a man” is to “tell him she likes him, she’s over games.” This show, which is 100% about games, is about to be a VERY LARGE REALITY CHECK for LJ.
I’m so happy this is the last Lauren that I could cry. Too bad I’m no longer able to cry because I’m dead inside. I digress.
If you combined every Instagram post with #basic in the caption and fed it into a robot, the robot would be Lauren S. Then we would all scream and run away because there’s a robot on The Bachelor and the world is crumbling. If she was a food, she would be an avocado. Spirit animal? Otter. Wants to see Hamilton. Wants to be in Taylor Swift’s girl squad. Wants to make me scratch my eyes out. Etc.
Maquel has a fake name but at least it isn’t Lauren!!
I was about to say she’s def too young for Arie at 23, but then I realized she’s from Utah and is therefore probably very into the sister wives thing, so she might actually be perfect for him. Maquel is an “adrenaline junkie,” “likes creepy/scary stuff”, and her best way to really impress a man is to “be herself.” I’m beginning to think the majority of these girls didn’t actually read the questions before answering.
Marikh looks like Kim Kardashian and I’m here for it. DIVERSITY!
Ooh, Marikh here is playing the “mysterious” card. Her favorite movies include Beetlejuice, Dark Shadows and Practical Magic and she’s always wanted to have silver hair. I’m getting Raven vibes mixed with a hint of psychopath. You go, Marikh!
WE’RE ON THE LAST PAGE OF CONTESTANTS AND I’M SO HAPPY! The last page is also the most diverse, beginning with miss Nysha. Nysha is making her mark as the “powerful girl” because she loves Scandal and Mulan for having badass female protagonists. But if she wasn’t Mulan, she would be Willy Wonka because he had a chocolate factory. Seems like a rational 2nd choice.
Olivia is also 23. Send help.
Her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. SEND HELP!!!!
Olivia reminds me of Taylor Nolan and everyone hates Taylor so I automatically hate Olivia, bye.
I saw a bunch of videos and pictures on Twitter of Seinne on a one-on-one with Arie and she looked super uncomfortable so I don’t have high hopes for this one. She went to Yale and is too good for this show, but her favorite holiday is New Year’s because there’s lots of champagne, so she might stick around solely for the free booze. We shall see.
TIAAAAAAA. Raven’s friend! Any friend of Raven is a friend of mine.
Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas, which is like when my friend C and I travel and tell guys we’re from Flat Lick, Kentucky except this is real. So, so real.
The best trip she’s ever been on is to a random swingers resort in Cancun which was “actually fun” oh my god I love this girl so much. Team Tia!
Bringing up the rear we have Valerie, a server from Nashville who wishes every day was Halloween. K. Her spirit animal is a dog because she wants to be spoiled and loved unconditionally. She is a good cook in that she is good at making reservations and smoothies. She is afraid to swim in the ocean because she doesn’t want to get eaten. K, again.
Boy, are we in for a great season.
Stay tuned for January 1st when we get to guzzle wine through our hangovers and watch this shit show unfold! Til then, I’ll be ruining the whole season for myself by reading Reality Steve instead of sleeping. As one does.