Mike Fleiss is taking over my life one spinoff at a time and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.
As you may have heard, The Bachelor franchise has decided to expand into the realm of athletics, and by athletics I mean they’re wearing these super cool new sport jackets and like maybe skiing down a bunny slope in between makeouts. Nice.
The Bachelor winter games is premiering on Tuesday, February 13, aka the night before Valentine’s Day. This is GREAT news because it means I can black out during the premiere and not black back in until 12:01 AM on the 15th, thereby skipping the disappointment of another single* Valentine’s Day altogether.
*”Maybe 2018 will be my year” I whisper to myself, fully knowing that it isn’t true because I say this every year and it never fucking is.
ABC released the cast yesterday, and may I say that I am VERY FREAKING EXCITED because
my boyfriend Ben Higgins and America’s biggest fuckboy Dean Unglert will be there! Can’t wait to stare at their beautiful faces more than I already do!! Also, we’re bringing in people from other countries’ Bachelor seasons, which is cool because foreign guys are hot but not cool because none of us give a shit about any of them. So, let’s get to it, shall we?
Ashley Iaconetti, 29, Chris Soules season
Casual reminder that Chris Soules is being charged with vehicular manslaughter and hit and run! Okay, now that that’s out of the way, we have Ashley I. She is best known for crying all the damn time, competing with
human ferret Jared Haibon to be the first to find a fiancé on Hinge, and being from my hometown. Ashley can be spotted in the BWG teaser crying and saying “Why am I always friend-zoned?!” so I think we can safely say that Ashley I is getting through yet another spinoff without finding love. Maybe you should get back to Hinge, Ash.
Ben Higgins, 29, Kaitlyn’s Season/the next Bachelor
I would do dirty, dirty things to this man. Also he does a podcast with Ashley I., so they’re bound to be allies.
Clare Crawley, 36, Juan Pablo’s season
Ok guys I have to be honest, I barely watched Juan Pablo’s season because he was such a freaking dick and I was a young college student with a low fuckboy tolerance. Oh, how the times change. Clare is super hot but she’s the oldest woman on this show so I’m v interested in how this will play out for her.
Dean Unglert, 26, Rachel’s season
No one will ever forget Bachelor in Paradise where Dean fuckboyed around, tried to date D. Lo and Kristina at the same time, and then burned all bridges with both of them. Can’t wait to see him fuck it all up again! And stare into his beautiful blue eyes. Mostly the latter.
Josiah Graham, 29, Rachel’s season
TBH all I remember about Josiah from Rachel’s season was that he won their spelling bee and gloated way too much about it, especially considering that Eric tried to spell “facade” as “phsyde” and no one has recovered.
Eric Bigger, 29, Rachel’s season
YASSSS ERIC. Eric placed 3rd on Rachel’s season of Bachelorette, right behind “literal most perfect human on Earth” Peter Kraus and “I have cheek implants” Bryan Abosolo, but we all knew Eric should have won. His humble upbringing. His genuine nature. His lack of fake cheeks. I’m so glad Eric is getting a shot at redemption
even though I’m sure his Instagram DMs are flooded with girls begging to spend even 10 seconds with him.
Jamey Kocan, 33, Rachel’s season
I’m having a hard time believing this person was actually on Rachel’s season, so I’m gonna do some Googling. BRB.
…still no recollection. Ans apparently he’s 5’9. Sorry Jamey.
Lesley Murphy, 30, Sean Lowe’s season
Lesley’s season was like 4+ years ago which still makes her more relevant than Arie. But like, were no girls from Nick’s season available for this chance to get more Instagram subscribers? Confused.
Luke Pell, 33, Jojo’s season
Luke was supposed to be the last Bachelor until
human soap scum Nick Viall stepped in and fucked everything up, so I’m glad he’s getting his redemption. Get yours, Luke. You deserve it, boo.
Michael Garofola, 37, Desiree’s season
I feel like Des’ had the season that is both gone and forgotten. Like I watched the whole thing, but don’t even recognize her husband Chris, and every time ABC trots out success stories as some kind of “proof” that the show “works” they always default to Sean and Catherine and leave Des and Chris in the shadows. Regardless, Mike here is a regulation hottie and apparently a lawyer living in Texas. Yee haw, sir.
Courtney Dober, 31, Season 2
AUSTRALIA HAS A BACHELOR?! I MUST WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY.
Benoit Beausejour, 31, Season 1
I take back what I said about not giving a shit about the foreign contestants. Remind me why I don’t live in a foreign country with hotter, taller accented men again?
Kevin Wendt, 26, Season 1
Ummm Kevin is one hot hunk of man. BRB moving to Canada, bye mom and dad!!!
Jenny Helenius, 34, Season 1
I know nothing about this chick but she’s pretty old, so my prediction is she cries about being old and like maybe breaks a hip skiing.
Yuki Kimura, 21, Season 1
21? Dean’s about to be ALL over this girl, you heard it here first. Beware, Yuki, the boy is bad news.
Ally Thompson, 24, Season 3
I just want to acknowledge that all of these photos are super casually posed, EXCEPT ALLY, who had to throw in a little booty pop-skinny arm action. Ally is the villainess of the season.
Lily McManus, 21, Season 3
Now that I know Bachelor exists in New Zealand I must watch it IMMEDIATELY. Love me some kiwi accents.
Rebecca Carlson, Sweden, Season 3
I’m getting strong Lauren B. vibes from this girl, so I’m predicting she will catch the eye of my boyfriend Ben Higgins. Not that he has eyes for anyone but me, but like… in theory.
If you’re like “J, this isn’t all of the contestants!” then you’re damn right. I skipped some of the girls from other countries because I’m tired as hell and be honest – the only eye candy you want comes in the form of foreign men. You’re welcome.
Can’t wait until February 13th if we don’t get nuked before then!!