Context: Hey readers! MC is BACK with another guest post. Gotta say, homegirl is killing the dating game – maybe I should take some pointers from her as I re-commence my dating journey? Or I’ll just keep blacking out at happy hours with my coworkers instead of going on dates. Both solid options, if you ask me.
Hey gang! MC coming back atcha with another guest post, this one about my brief fling with a guy I’ll call Jordan. Now, I didn’t actually meet this guy a dating app – I know, I know, it’s weird. We met, like, organically? At a bar? Like the olden times! Yes yes, the olden times. J assured me that this is still viable TD material, though, especially because this date was the origin of the ‘Summer of Yes’!
It all began the Monday of the week before Memorial Day – aka the official beginning of SUMMATIMEEEEE. It was all they said it would be – the fish were jumping, the living was easy, etc. I had just finished my first day at my first big fancy grown up job post-grad school, so a few friends and I went out to happy hour to celebrate in the way all good Washingtonians do. I decided that this bar was the perfect place to get my Tinder on, so I started swiping. Another girl at the bar noticed my prowess, and asked me if I would be kind enough to help her friend Jordan out with his profile, since I “looked like I knew what I was doing.” Well, friends, I can’t argue with her there!
I had barely introduced myself to Jordan when my animal instinct took over and I snatched his phone from his hands to work my magic. I moved quickly, expertly rearranging and swapping his photos, noticing along the way that he is a very good-looking guy once you see past his unassuming facade. I completed my civic duty as a Tinder connoisseur, returned his phone, and his group left about 10 minutes later.
…or, so I thought! His friend ran back in shortly thereafter, claiming she “forgot her jacket,” and taking this opportunity to ask for my number to pass along to Jordan. A-HA! I knew there was a motive! And guys… this was it. This was THE moment that started the entire Summer of YES.
MC: Sure, why not. I’d love that.
I got a text from Jordan a few hours later, and after chatting for a bit, he let me know that he would be in Jordan (like, the country) for the next four weeks, but that he would “love to take me out when he got back. ” I agreed, because I’m saying yes to everything. Except weak margaritas. Never say yes to weak margs. Two weeks later, I got a text from him.
J: Hey! Are you still interested in grabbing a drink when I get back into town?
MC: Yes, definitely!
J: Great, I’ll give you a call when I get back to the US.
Three days later, I get a phone call from Jordan. An actual phone call. Like, he dialed, and I picked up, and we used our voices. Foreign, I know – is this 1999? Yeesh. Anyway, after a few minutes of chatting, we had the following exchange:
MC: So, welcome back to the USA! *Pretty certain this is a fair assumption*
J: Oh, I’m actually still in Jordan!
MC: Wait – is this phone call costing me money?!
HOMEBOY CALLED ME FROM THE MIDDLE EAST. Just so we could chat. After meeting ONCE. What is happening?! So many questions.
Anyway, Jordan returned from his trip, and we made plans for the next week. Tbh, guys, I was totally dreading this date. I had just moved, I wanted to unpack my apartment, I had only met this guy for like 10 minutes at a bar a MONTH ago, and he likes to talk on the phone. Recipe for disaster, right?
During the date, I realized there was a bigger issue. So, I’m a fast-talking East Coast spaz, and he… talks… like… thiiiiiiis. He’s from Texas, and they do things slow as molasses down there. He’s actually a witty guy, but by the time he got the joke out, three minutes had passed and I was staring at my drink, thinking about other things. Mostly tacos. Mmm, tacos. But, anyway, it was a tedious conversation. Not a terrible one, though, so I left having decided that I would be down to see him again.
A week later, my phone rings, and guess who wants to chat?!
We talked on the phone for AN HOUR. Remember how slowly he talks?! It. was. incredibly. painful. However, I am a big girl, so I sucked it up and tried to be charming and endearing and shit. We made plans for a second date, where he took me out to dinner.
Not just any dinner. A $90 dinner. On the SECOND date.
(Oh yeah, have I mentioned yet that he and his salary are seven years older than me?)
Guys, I’m not tryna be anybody’s wife yet. I haven’t been on nearly enough Tinder dates for that kind of commitment! However, Summer of Yes continuing to dictate my life decisions, I agree to one more date.
Well, TDers, I am shamed to admit this, but I broke J’s rule. I double-kayaked. I didn’t want to. I tried not to. But, what was I supposed to do?! “Uh, yeah, sorry I can’t, because my friend writes this Tinder blog, and she said to never use a double kayak because it’s a terrible idea”? Clearly I’m in the wrong, J, and I’m deeply sorry. Because, GUYS. It was WEIRD. So so weird.
One hour into this God-forsaken kayaking date, I knew I was done. I was actually fantasizing about being at home, watching ‘Criminal Minds’ on Netflix. If that doesn’t tell you something, I don’t know what does. I politely declined dinner following the kayaking… experience… even though I was starving. I subtlely steered our walk towards the Metro so that I could make my escape. Victory was mine.
There I was on my escape train, actively trying to figure out how to break the news to Jordan, when he hits me with the post-date “I’d love to see you again” text. It came at warp speed. I hadn’t even made it home. And there it was. All desperate and lovey and shit. Ugh.
As terrible as I felt doing this immediately after our date, I had to cut him loose. After consulting 5 other ladies, I sent my “Farewell” text. Caught, and released.
And so, my friends, on to the next! Ideally, to someone who isn’t interested in making me his wife after three dates. Because a TD girl does not have time for that.
X’s and O’s,