Category: Guides (page 2 of 3)

TD Guide: The 6 guys you’ll date in DC

Hey dolls! How’s your dating life going? You finding that everyone in DC is the same? Well, I got news for you – it’s because they are.

I’ve been dating in the DC area since I was like, 13 years old. Things have changed over the past 10 years, sure – we’ve transitioned from grabbing frozen custard at the local custard shop* to grabbing craft beers at the local dive bar**, from shyly holding hands while watching a movie to hooking up under the guise of ‘watching Netflix.’ But the boys’ personalities? They don’t change. Thus, I present to you, the TD Guide to the 6 guys you’ll date in DC.

*May Nielsen’s Frozen Custard, my childhood Vienna haunt, rest in its tax-fraud induced peace
**Fuckin’ hipsters

bag-of-douche

1. The Capitol Hill Cutie

Typically categorized by a heavily-filtered picture of said gentleman in front of the White House or Capitol building, caption ‘Underwood 2016.’ This guy loves everything about politics – the press, the Capitol Hill bars, the access to galas at various embassies… you name it, he’ll fight your political views on it. Just don’t be surprised when he disappears on you for a few weeks at a time, only to come back with a wordy apology about how “things have just been SO busy, because Congress, and politics, and THE PRESIDENT, and…” Dude, you’re the office scheduler for a D-list member of the House, not John Kerry negotiating a fucking cease fire in Gaza. Calm down, collect your paltry paycheck, and sharpen your pencil – you have shoe shine appointments to schedule.

hipster

2. The Columbia Heights Hipster

You probably met this guy at Compass Coffee when you complimented him on how well his vintage flannel matched his nitro cold brew coffee. You then began a whirlwind romance of indie concerts at coffee shops, trips to the farmers market, and lazy Saturdays in his community garden. It’s nice at the beginning, until you realize that he lacks all ambition whatsoever and is probably also hooking up with that chick in his group house who always smells like incense and grows weed in her room. Whatever – you know you’ll be happier with someone who knows how to use a washing machine, anyway.

frat

3. The Georgetown Frat Star

Thought college ended once you graduated? Oh contraire, mon ami. The Georgetown Frat star never graduates – after all, why would he let the glory days pass him by?! Always spotted in a uniform of khaki shorts, sperries, and a polo shirt, this boy has a fridge full of Bud Light (and a Hinge bio boasting a love for craft beer – how novel!). He will mention that he went to Georgetown every chance he gets, and invite you to Georgetown to get a drink at Nick’s on the Georgetown waterfront, and then you can go out at Chinese Disco in – wait for it – Georgetown, because he’s frat bros with the bartender and can probably get a shot on the house. Not that he needs it, you know, with his big fat Georgetown salary. Best move here is to use him for his money and then escape down those exorcist stairs, leaving him with blue balls at his house in – you guessed it! – GEORGETOWN.

corporate

4. The Busy Young Professional

Armed with a business/engineering/other fancy shmancy degree from a nearby state school, this guy dove straight into the professional world – and into the DC dating pool. This guy’s salary makes him an ideal pick for a first date – that is, if you can ever find time to schedule one. Between his consulting schedule, investment banking hours, and kickball league, this guy’s booked up almost every night of the week. Your best bet? Meet him and his basic friends out at some fratty bar in Clarendon, hypnotize him by using a bunch of words like ‘synergy’ and ‘Wharton Business School,’ and ensnare him – or, at least, his wallet – in your clutches.

broke

5. The Broke Grad Student

This guy’s Tinder profile will make your heart beat right out of your chest. “Law School”? Yassssss. “Med School”? Baby, I got a boo boo and it needs a kiss. You schedule a date, and it’s only when he starts sweating as happy hour deals expire that you realize homeboy is chest-deep in student loans, and you might be left high and dry with the check. Yikes. Unless you’re looking for every date to be some version of ‘Netflix and Chill’ (using his roommate’s Netflix log-in, of course), you’re better off closing the books on this one. Unless you’re looking to play the long game… but ain’t nobody got time for that.

unemployed

6. The Local Lad

At first glance, the local seems great. “He probably knows a ton of fun things to do! He can show me the coolest picnic spots and restaurants and secret caves and places of urban lore!” Um, not so fast, sweetheart. As a Northern Virginia native myself, I can assure you that growing up in the area does not mean that one is familiar with DC, just as growing up in Orlando does not mean that you spent every day at Disney World, and growing up in London doesn’t mean that you went to Hogwarts (but how cool would that be?!?!). No, it only means that he knows the coolest places for high schoolers to smoke weed without getting caught. Awesome. Best case scenario: you can grocery shop in his parents’ pantry. Worst case scenario? …he still lives with his parents. Oof. Get out while you can.

drink

So there you have it! Every fuckboy you could dream of, dissected and deposited into six little categories. If that’s not marginalizing them within an inch of their life, then I don’t know what is!

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Dates v. Date Functions

Alternative title: ‘A Scientific Analysis of J’s Screwed-Up College Experiences’

Hi, readers! If you haven’t realized this from previous posts, I am very very VERY barely removed from my college life. It hasn’t yet been a full year since I graduated, and as my alma mater is only a two-hour drive from DC, I head back pretty frequently – to the point where multiple people have asked what class I failed to get me held back a semester. To those people, I say: Advanced Corporate Finance. A nightmare of a course, infested with future Goldman-Stanley Deutsche-Suisse-Bank douchelords.*

*To my employer and coworkers, I say: HAHAHA WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? OF COURSE I GRADUMACATED!!! Don’t fire me please!!!

bank

However, one thing that has changed SIGNIFICANTLY since my University days is what I consider a ‘date.’ As you know, I’m no stranger to dating, especially when facilitated by the wide array of apps that deliver wallet-bearing men to me on a silver platter. In college, though, things were… different. Instead of ‘dates,’ we had ‘date functions.’ You may know them as ‘mixers’ or ‘where dreams go to die.’ Ringing a bell? Exactly.

Now, I am extremely embarrassed to admit that, at one point in my life, I considered these actual dates. I.e., I would gush to my friends (over convenience store wine we had convinced an upperclassman to buy, natch) that I was “sooooo EXCITED to go on a DATE with KEVIN to his FRATERNITY FUNCTION!!!!” but had “absolutely NO IDEA what to WEAAAAAR, Monica can I raid your closet pretty pleaseeeee?”

wear

I hope you will believe me when I say I’ve grown less basic with age??

So, in the following open letter to my 18/..19/…20-year-old self, I will perform a highly scientific comparative analysis of dates versus date functions. Get ready, get set….!

The Guy

man1

Date: Typically found on a dating app (or through mutual friends or out in public or something if you’re ~weird~ like that), this guy is someone you’ve ideally traded a few conversations with, but are excited to get to know better. There is some attraction between you two, but you have yet to engage in anything but light banter.man2

Date Function: Picture this: It’s Wednesday morning. You’re hungover AF in your 8 AM Calc 2 discussion, cursing your previous self for ambitiously signing up for this section, when your phone vibrates against your thigh. You shoot a cursory glance at the TA to make sure he’s not paying attention, then slide your phone out of your pants pocket. It’s a text from “Spencer Phi Deltttt.” Hmmm, when were you even at Phi Del- OH! THAT GUY! He was cute. You silently applaud your past self as you slide open the text, still cautious to avoid the leering glance of Mr. Math up front.

“Hey! This is Spencer. We met at Phi Delt last Saturday. I was wearing a sombrero? Lol. Anyway, we’re having a date function at the house this Friday, and I was wondering if you want to come with me? No worries if you already have plans”

Hmmm. Spencer. Would we have anything to talk about? Well, other than his proclivity for sticking his tongue down my throat, that is… on second thought, we probably won’t even have to talk at all! IN.

YES, GUYS, I ONCE CONSIDERED THESE DATES. I HAVE SEEN THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

The Attire

outfit1

Date: Ahhh, what to wear on a date? It can prove difficult to strike the perfect balance between ‘not trying too hard’ and ‘haaaaay sexy ladyyy,’ but I usually find that a flattering sundress or nice pair of leggings does the trick!

I actually wore something very similar to this to a dfunc sophomore year and I regret EVERYTHING

I actually wore something very similar to this to a dfunc sophomore year and I regret EVERYTHING

Date Function: This, of course, depends on the theme! ‘Malt Disney’? Slutty Nala costume!! (to your date’s Simba, of course). ‘Sexy Joggers and Rugged Loggers’? Your tiniest Norts, fanny pack, and some fluorescent knee-high socks should do the trick! As long as you look hot, thotty, and on-theme, you’ll get it in. General rule of thumb: If you would wear it to a date function, DON’T WEAR IT ON A DATE. 2nd general rule of thumb: walk of shaming in a lion costume will garner you some stares. Don’t be shy, hit people with your tail. Rawr.

The Pregame

wine

Date: Ahh, the lead-up to a date can be so nerve-wracking! Sometimes, a glass of wine or two can be the perfect thing to take the edge off 🙂

shots

Date Function: SHOTS! SHOTTTTSSSS! BEFORE your date gets you! WHILE your date is picking you up! At the pregame! At the game! At the post-game! After sex! There’s no such thing as too much alcohol!!!

On the real, y’all, one time I went to a formal at a winery with a dude I had talked to ONCE, hadn’t even hooked up with (the night I met him I ended up sleeping with his frat brother hehehe), and was told that there would ONLY BE WINE?! You better fucking believe I pregamed that shit harder than I’ve ever pregamed before. Turns out you can have a good time with anyone when you’re blackout! Who’da thunk it?

The ‘Date’

AA4E89

Date: Light conversation, some drinks, maybe food, hopefully some laughs, and maybe – just maybe! – a little goodnight kiss?? Scandalous!!

control

Date Function: Oh man, it’s all such a blur. Why is everyone dressed like animals? Who knew you could make a slutty firetruck costume? Omg is that my best friend ever aka a girl I met once in a bar bathroom??? It is!! Where did I put my phone? My drink? My date??? Is it ok to trade dates with that other girl? Hers is taller… hey, did they say the bar tab is about to run out?!?! GO GO GO GO GO… Blackout.

Wake up. Locate shoes. Locate purse. Low key steal an article of date’s clothing as a ‘souvenir.’

Check phone. New number. ‘Michael Theta Chi.’

Rinse and repeat. Hey, you only get one shot at college!

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Avoiding Pickup Attempts

Hey readers! BP here, checking in with my 2nd guest post. The idea for this post came about when I mentioned to a bro-friend that I had a new girlfriend who he’d met before, and his response was “oh yeah, she’s hot, good job.”

clap

After a celebratory bro-fist-pound, the implications set in. What if other dudes think she’s hot? In bars? WILL I HAVE TO TAKE MY BRASS KNUCKS OUT AND DEFEND MY MANHOOD AND HER HONOR?? Unfortunately, I am not super buff, don’t have elevated testosterone, and am fresh out of handy bar weapons. As such, I decided to consult my gf and her friends so I can clearly identify when I need to shut down a situation in public.

situation

I am pleased to provide a handy TD guide to dumb pickup attempts and how to stop them in their tracks. For you girls out there, I hope this post comes in handy in those awkward social situations when Tinder hasn’t already greased the hook-up wheels (aka real life). For the dudes, please use this so you can see a confrontation coming, stop it in its tracks, and ensure no one makes you look like a naked mole rat in public.

molerat

1. The ‘My Hair Lady’ – By far the most common move, this occurs when men touch a girl’s hair and compliment its color, perhaps mentioning that it “brings out her eyes.” From there, they pounce on any positive response and otherwise move on to another tree in their follicle forest until every possibility has been extinguished.
Real-Life Example: Seriously, go to ANY bar and you will see this happen. One source mentioned that they were a redhead and they need both fingers AND toes to count the number of times that men have told her that “red was their favorite color.”
Exit Strategy: Not too hard. Just mention that it’s a “crazy coincidence” that your boyfriend’s favorite color is ALSO red.
Variants: Pick a body part. Compliment said body part; creepily touch it. Rinse, repeat.

face

2. The ‘Wallet Whip’ – Do you have a big ego? A big wallet? Congratulations! This will likely be your move of choice,  and everyone will hate you. The move consists of loudly boasting that you can take a girl to an exotic locale (beaches, European countries, clubs) OR for a ride in your ~exotic~ motorized vehicle (Porsche, Ferrari, jet-ski) OR EVEN to meet your so-called ‘celebrity friends’. Same.
Real-Life Example: One man used all of the above: Porsche, multiple homes in just as many area codes, a famous artist sub-letter. Sadly, our source was 20 and naive at the time and fell for his games. He took her for a drive, bragged incessantly the whole time, and attempted to get her to watch a movie at his place about a man who freezes to death in a bus in the wilderness. She ran away only to get a text two years later when he wanted a ride to the airport.
Exit Strategy: Men, DO NOT OUT-WALLET THE WALLET. You will look just as stupid as they are. The key is to show boundless enthusiasm for their topic of choice – they won’t be able to help themselves as you pad their ego. You LOVE hearing about how many RPMs their Porsche can get. Meanwhile, your girl will be unconscionably bored and wander anywhere else, possibly to watch paint dry.
Variants: Countless. Men can find a way to brag about literally anything. I would know, as a man I have bragged about SAT scores, how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth, how large my palms are… maybe I should stop.

humble

3. The ‘Talent Show’ – This move consists of trying to demonstrate value (hi, DENNIS system) in the bedroom, long before actually getting there. The crudest version of this move involves penis size, whereas more advanced versions can be some Casanova shit.
Real-Life Example: Surprise, this example happened to J herself! A man followed J and L into a bar and then bought them a drink. He mentioned that he was “extremely talented,” to which J responded “oh really?” (bad, J). Before she could react HIS TONGUE WAS IN HER EAR. She ran away and hasn’t yet returned. Please write in if you find J, we’re worried about her.
Exit Strategy: Guys trying this move are really only interested in one thing and probably won’t be very selective. Try a bait-and-switch – find your sluttiest friend who’s on a dry spell and steer her into his waiting arms. She might even be interested in his ‘talents‘!
Variants: 
SO MANY gross variants. Look for any suggestion of prowess with a body part, especially if there’s a wink or eyebrow raise accompanying the brag.

talent

4. The ‘Smoke and Mirrors’ – This one is for smokers – many men will try to use a cigarette as a “foot in the door” to eventually get into a girl’s pants, oldest trick in the (match)book.
Real-Life Example: My lovely girlfriend once took a smoke break from her job at GameStop and was spotted by an opportunistic smoker. He waited until she was back at the counter, offered her a free cigarette he had hand-rolled, and walked away. She then found this man’s number written on the cigarette paper.
Exit Strategy: I hear that this man continues to wait for a call that’s never coming, so getting out of this situation is pretty easy. Pro tip: don’t smoke the cigarette. You never know what they’re rolling until you’re rolling.
Variants: 
Often a guy will proffer the cigarette while on the smoke break itself, which is even worse if said break is in an isolated and/or scary place. Ladies, general life advice, JUST SAY NO to creepy alleys.

cigs

5. The ‘Entourage-a-trois’ – Similar to the ‘Wallet Whip,’ this move is generally done by the wealthier gents out there. These men will leverage a situation in which their wealth is obvious – lavish parties, country clubs, or other places where lovely people refer to their wives as ‘arm candy.’ They will then make a ‘power move’ and rely on the discomfort of the targeted girl to make the magic happen.
Real-Life Example: One of my gf’s friends was working a nanny job at a local pool when a man approached her. He began to tell her (with Instagram visual aids) about his gorgeous home, his incredible interior decorating skills, his amazingly pretty girlfriend, and his hot tub. Then he told her he’s a retired pro football player, and prefers a ‘natural girl’ like her to the hyper-groomed mothers at the pool. He invited her to hang out in his hot tub “so he can have sex with her.” She told him she was married. He asked if that meant she wasn’t interested. She said yes. He stood up and walked away without another word or look in her direction.
Exit Strategy: Seems like the vocal response shut it down pretty quickly. TD recommends that if this happens to you, be sure to get the name of the man so that you can blackmail him and extort your way to fiscal success.
Variants: I suppose you could try this without Instagram visual aids, but I really feel like they tie the whole shenanigan together.

ron

And there you have it! You are now versed in many of the ways that men on the prowl will utterly fail to attract women in public, so be on the lookout for a creepy guy near you! Feel free to share your stories in the comments – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?!

TD Guide: Springtime Date Ideas

Happppy springtime, readers!

You heard that right – yesterday was officially the first day of the 3rd-betchiest season of the year (#1 summer bc duh, #2 Halloween bc we can dress like thots and not get judged WOOOHOOoooo).

Not QUITE what I was picturing, but roll with it

Not QUITE what I was picturing, but roll with it.

In honor of the warmer weather and the OFFICIAL END OF CUFFING SEASON (fucking finally), Tinder District has compiled the following list of the Top 5 Springtime Date Ideas in DC. Whether you want something quick and easy (like me) (jk) (mostly) or a long, romantic frolic, we have something for everyone – so start swiping, ladies! And gentlemen! If you still read this even though I refer to men as ‘wallets’ and ‘fuckboys’ 99.9% of the time!!! <3

QUEEN

QUEEN

1. Bowl for tourists

Sure, regular bowling is fun, but the problem is that you don’t get a chance to take advantage of the beautiful weather! (read: work on your tan). So let’s take that shit outside – and what more cliche setting is there than the Washington Monument?

But J, are there even any bowling pins on the mall?? Valid question, my dear Watsons. The answer is, anything is a bowling pin if you try hard enough! Small child with an ice cream cone? BINGO. Grab a nerf ball and peg him. Bonus points if he starts crying. Group of basic bitches posing for Instas? Go for the strike! Filter this, thot! Want to really make a splash? Hit your man! He’ll appreciate your athleticism, and you’ll be able to tell if he’s a snively little biotch before things get too far.

basics

You and your beau will have a blast identifying more and more exotic targets – although, I must implore you to leave the cops on horseback alone. They’re not horsin’ around!! Hahahaha yeah I hate me too.

2. Kayak on the Potomac

If you want to go on a date where you don’t need to actually talk to or touch the guy you’re with, this is for you! Kayaking is not only funner than a barrel of monkeys*, but it is also a) a KILLER chest and tricep workout, b) a good excuse to wear a bathing suit on a date, and c) a way to show your man how ‘adventurous’ and ‘athletic’ you are.**

*Weird phrase.
**One guy who took me kayaking last summer opened by asking me if I was ‘outdoorsy.’ I racked my brain real, real hard until I remembered that one time when I ate Chipotle at the outdoor tables. ‘Absolutely!’ I chirped back. Honesty is the best policy.

outdoorsy

There are several potential drawbacks to going on a kayaking date, however. First, you have to put on fugly-ass lifejackets that make you look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy overdid it on the crescent rolls, and that’s not a good look for anyone. THEN they take you over to the dock, where you face the dreaded decision of getting a double kayak or singles.

GET SINGLES.

DON’T RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO END THIS WAY.

Double kayaks require unparalleled levels of synchronization and patience. I’ve only used them once, with my best friend since 7th grade, and we didn’t talk for three full days afterward. This may or may not be because I got so annoyed when I said left and she paddled right that I whacked her in the head. I handle stress well. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

kayak

Once you’ve chosen your SINGLE kayak, there’s the issue of getting in without toppling over and falling into the dark, shark-infested depths of the Potomac. OK, maybe not, but it’ll seeeeriously mess up your hair. The key to getting in with grace is- I actually have no idea. I’ve never managed it. Your best bet is probably to scream ‘PUPPY!’, get your date to look away, and then scoot in real fast before he can see your struggle.

Once you’re on the water, it’s smooth sailing! Pun completely intended. Avoid the following things and you’ll be set:
1 – ROCKS. Don’t hit them. You’ll flip over and it will be embarrassing.
2 – ALGAE. Don’t try to go through it. You’ll get stuck and it will be embarrassing.
3 – PHONES. Don’t touch them. You’ll drop them into the river and – oh, you get the point. Just don’t do anything stupid.

urkel

Finally, readers, the best part of kayaking? If you don’t like your date, you can just paddle away forever and stick him with the bill! Sure you may wind up in the middle of the Atlantic, but if your date is anything like the Worst Guy Ever, this fate is MUCH preferable.

3. Have a picnic

Everyone’s all too familiar with the classic dinner date – why not switch it up and take your meal al fresco? Picnics are a time-worn tradition, and romantic in theory. A blanket under the flowering trees, a wicker basket filled to the brim with those teeny-tiny finger sandwiches (crusts cut off, obvs), homemade desserts, spaghetti and meatballs (for the Lady & The Tramp effect), and a bottle of rose. Actually, my ideal picnic basket has three of those. I digress.

tiny

In REALITY, nature’s about to bite your dreams in the ass. And by nature I mean ants. Little fuckers are EVERYWHERE. They can smell fear (and finger sandwiches) from nine miles away, and are out to RUIN. YOUR. LIFE. That is, if the bees don’t get there first! And the snakes! AND THE MOUNTAIN LIONS!

I thought about being a drama major, if you couldn’t tell.

sharpay

Not only is the wildlife hot on your tail, but you also may have forgotten that you’re allergic to – well, just about everything – and last time I checked, a runny nose and bloodshot eyes were NOT on this season’s sartorial wish list. Alas, maybe you would have been better off staying inside. Or buying more bottles of wine. Jus’sayin.

4. Crash a Little League Baseball game

Swear to Hay-seuss, the SECOND the first cherry blossom opens everyone within 10 miles of a Metro stop remembers that we have a baseball team and starts FREAKING OUT over OG Fuckboy Bryce Harper and his squad (aka the Nationals). “Oh my gawwwwd let’s go to a Nats game!!! I got tickets for only two dollars and some lint I found in my pocket, and we’ll barely be able to see the field, but we’ll be so ~sp0rty~ and we can DAY DRINK!!!”

Yeah. No thanks.

9 times out of 10, you;ll end up in this seat.

9 times out of 10, you’ll end up in this seat.

Luckily, there is another source of bat-swinging entertainment right around the corner at your local park. Little League! Tell your date that you want to take him on a trip down memory lane, grab some folding chairs, and head on over. Do you know any of the kids? Nope! No problem. Doesn’t mean you can’t heckle ’em.
Hey, Red! We want a pitcher, not a ballsack itcher!***”
“Yo, four eyes! You’re so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school, she got fined for littering!”

yo mama

You can also spark up some romantic competition by seeing who can get the most phone numbers from the MILFs/DILFs watching their children play! Loser buys Girl Scout cookies from the players’ little sister who’s been eyeing you like a hawk. NOTE: This competition may not go so well if you have been shouting the above insults. You might get kicked out. But hey, life is meant to be LIVED!

***For the love of God, don’t say this unless you would like to spend the remainder of your date in a jail cell.

5. Netflix & Guilt Trip

Everyone knows that cuffing season is the ideal time for ‘Netflix and Chill,’ as the cold winter months are vastly improved by cuddling under a blanket and ‘creating body heat,’ if you’re picking up what I’m putting down 😉

But, why should the fun stop now?! With such gems as ‘The Princess Bride,’ ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ and ‘Kid’s Baking Championship: Season 1’ (don’t judge me) making their way to Netflix this month, Netflix and Chill is still a very valid option! So, grab your date, cuddle up, turn on the tv, and… oh, wait… but it’s so pretty outside… and, according to snapchat, everyone is looking at the cherry blossoms… maybe we should go outside? Just maybe?

princess

‘Netflix & Guilt Trip’ adds an additional element of fun to ‘Netflix & Chill’ as you and your beau trade ideas for fun outdoor activities that you’ll never actually do because you’ve been forever ensnared by the gravitational pull of the couch.

“Maybe we can get some friends together for a game of pickup frisbee!” you quip as you dip your butter-smeared hand back into the bowl of popcorn.

“Yeah, or we can go rent a paddle boat in Old Town Alexandria!” he’ll say as he wraps himself in the blanket like a happy little human burrito.

burrito

Good luck getting off the couch, kids.

So, go embrace the season! Make a splash! Fall in love!

And, if you need me, I’ll be over here in my blanket burrito. Maybe I can get a wallet to bring me Chipotle? BURRITO-CEPTION!

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Top 5 Places to Meet Men in DC

While I would never be one to talk negatively on dating apps, sometimes one too many catfishes can send you over the metaphorical edge. Johnny, did you really think you could get away with telling me you were 6’1 when you’re shorter* than I am? Please, buddy. Let’s be real.

stare

*I have found that there is a bizarre sect of men who think they can get away with adding two inches to their posted height. When I then call them out, they get all defensive, like “But I meant when I was standing on several stairs?? Or wearing very large moon shoes??”

One of the great things** about meeting potential lovers IRL is that they CAN’T lie about things like their height, or weight, or their strange, patchy neck beard (looking at you, Engineering Boy I went out with last week). However, it’s a big city – where can you find hot, single men without terrifying facial hair?? Thus, I would like to present you with the Tinder District Guide to finding love in DC.

**One of the downsides, on the other hand, is that you don’t get the pleasure of creating an elaborate back story on how you met. ‘Ah yes! Taddington! Well, I was simply taking my morning stroll by the White House – you know, where the President lives, very DC, yes – when the most gorgeous man came barreling out the gate, chasing after the Obamas’ dog. The dog ran right up to me – yes, I am very good with animals, thank you for noticing – and that’s how I started dating the son of Vice President Biden’s assistant!’

big deal

1. Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s

“The best things in life are free vegan, organic, and overpriced” – Abraham Lincoln, probably. Such is the mindset of Washingtonians. DC was recently rated the fittest city in the US, mostly due to the fact that the our public transit is a piece of crapola. It’s a great leg workout to balance yourself on a cramped Metro car as you attempt not to fall on the people around you! (unless you are attempting number 3, then by all means, tumble away!). And where do we shop to fuel up for these quad-strengthening commutes? Whole Paycheck and Two-Dollar-Wine Joe’s, of course!

wf

Now, finding love in the grocery store can be tricky. Is this man shopping with a list? He’s whipped. No man makes lists. They’re not good at numbers and words all together like that. No, husbands get lists from their wives, because men are wallets. It’s simply the natural order of the universe.

However, is this man in the prepared food aisle with a basket full of freezer burritos and a 6-pack of some local IPA? POUNCE, LADIES! POUNCE! Shove elderly women out of the way with your cheese-laden cart and coyly ask the man for a beer recommendation. Then, as he waxes poetic about something called a porter (what the fuck is that), stick your chest out and feign interest in the concentrated flavor produced by mashing and malting (are those even words). You’ll be sharing loving glances over (grass-fed, sulfate-free) wine and cheese in no time!

2. Uber Pool

I first heard about Uber Pool a couple of months ago, when I was at brunch with my friends and one of them started complaining about her experience the night before.
C – Yeah, there were these two guys in my Uber who were SO annoying!
J – Oh, no! Wait – did you say ‘guys’???
C – Yeah, they were total frat douches, and were drunk off their asses.
J – *frantically downloading app* Oh, man, that’s the worst…
C – And they kept talking about all these poor girls they thought were hot!
J – *salivating* Sounds horrible. Did you happen to like… get their number… or tell them about me…?
C – You’re a mess and I hate you.

hot mess

Seriously, guys, Uber Pool is MONEY. You pay less and you get a slew of people to hook up with/tell about the blog/beg to write guest posts? Oooooh, Heaven is a place on Earth.

3. The Metro

There are certain features that come to mind when you think about a romantic atmosphere. For example, there is probably soft lighting that hides the facial blemishes that appeared after you ate that entire pizza by yourself on Valentine’s Day. Also, smooth jazz playing in the background, or at least a little Michael Buble action. Finally, a kind hobo resting his unkempt head on your shoulder as he snores. Yep, perfect night!

hey now

Now, the Metro offers one of these things (bet you can’t guess which!), but the lighting (a fluorescent yellow that would make even Gigi Hadid’s skin appear sallow) and soundtrack (Mr. Very Important Finance Man talking loudly to Mr. Very Important Consulting Man about the upgrades he’s planning to his home theatre) leave quite a bit to be desired.

That’s where you come in! See a cute guy reading a book? Ask him about his favorite literary devices, being sure to include a few words you remember from 9th grade English class (hyperbole! consonance!). Is he wearing a jersey? Tell him how much you love sports (hashtag GO SPORTS TEAM!). Is he scrolling idly through his phone? Ask to borrow it because you told your mom you would call her when you found true love!

Or, try this one!

Or, try this one!

Note: All of these tactics may go very badly. But, luckily, you can just scurry off and switch cars at the next stop! Clean getaway. Thanks WMATA!

4. The Brixton

Sure, I could have chosen any club in DC. But there’s something about this U Street hot spot that just screams ‘romance’ to me. Maybe it’s the long, snaking line if you arrive any time after 11 PM? Pick out a cute boy, walk up to him, announce that you’re cold, and forcibly wrap his arms around you. Easy! Bonus points if he’s near the front of the line, or with his significant other!

Or, maybe it’s the multiple floors to allow for maximum getaway feasibility. Did you walk in and ask the first guy you saw to buy you a drink? And did he take that as a sign that you were head over heels in love with him and owed him sex and he would never leave your side for the rest of the night?*** Just turn your shirt inside out, change floors, and repeat the process with someone new! Works every time!

no

Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, it’s because I went to Brixton last weekend, met the most beautiful boy ever****, talked to him for hours and then he asked for my phone number… and I haven’t heard from him since. WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?!?!

***TRUE STORY SOS
****PwC boy, if you’re reading this, text me??

5. A Caps/Wizards/Nats Game

Ok y’all, I don’t know about you, but I go to these games for one reason and one reason only – hot bros. Bros love sports. I love drinking. Bros are intrigued when a drunk J in a ‘borrowed’ oversized jersey stumbles into the wrong section and accuses them of sitting in her seat. Nice bros will be kind enough to let me sit with them so I ‘don’t miss any of the game!’ that I’m ‘really, really interested in!’ Twenty minutes and a mention of my cooking and baking talents later, ba da bing, ba da boom, we’re in luuuuurve.

sports

So there you have it. Love is all around you. You just need to be ratchet and/or drunk enough to grab it by the horns!

XOXO,
J

J: A 30 Step Guide to Embarrassing Yourself

Context: This post is the second in my continuing saga of being hopelessly afraid to talk to this superhotsexgod Matt-Damon-lookalike at my gym (henceforth referred to as ‘Gym Bae’). Yes, this post was first written on… January 6th… which is more than two months ago. Yes, I still have not talked to him. I’M PATHETIC! I KNOW! LEAVE ME ALONE! WHERE’S MY MOMMY?!

Ok guys. Here’s the sitch. I’m still very much enamored by Gym Bae, my knight in shining Nikes. And yet, despite my typically extroverted personality, I still can’t talk to him. I’ve come up for a few possible reasons for this uncharacteristic terror:

  1. I’m extremely self-conscious about the vinegar-strokes-esque face I make while doing bench presses and I know he must think I’m some sort of sexually charged monster.
  2. My friend A thinks he’s gay and I fear that talking to him will confirm this tragedy.
  3. Headphones. Mine and his. Nothing like SCREAMING AT SOMEONE AT 6:30 AM so they can hear you over the sounds of their Janet Jackson workout playlist.*
  4. Every time I see him, Berlin’s acclaimed Top Gun theme ‘Take My Breath Away’ starts playing in my brain and I lose myself entirely in his eyes.


*This may just be me.

Today, Friday, March 11, 2016, I decided to take charge. I was crushing my chest & back workout (it turns out when you don’t drink at night, and you eat healthy foods, your workouts get… easier? Weird, I know) and he and his friend were taking longer than usual, so as I stretched I figured that I could change and hang out in the lobby while I waited for them to wrap up. This would take two things out of the equation:

  1. My ugly-sweaty-ass gym self. Makeup + work clothes are a beautiful, beautiful thing.
  2. HEADPHONES. Janet Jackson** can’t cockblock (?) me this time around.
gym

Just workin’ on my fitness

**What’s that? Still just me?

This. Plan. Completely. Backfired. Thus, I would like to share with you “J’s 30 Step Guide to Completely Embarrassing Yourself In Front of the Love of Your Life***.”

***I’ve been told that brief, catchy titles are best for search engine optimization. I’ve also been told that it’s important to alternate alcoholic drinks with water. I don’t like when people tell me things.

not mom

1. Transform from a sweaty gym monster into a beautiful corporate butterfly.
2. Check self out in mirror. Applaud my outfit choice.
3. Walk to front desk. Begin to question my choice of wedges as I teeter slightly. Observe my ass in side mirror. Nah, wedges were a GREAT choice.
4. Brainstorm ways to strike up conversation with elderly front desk attendant.
5. Tequila? Nah, she’s too old. Gym bae? Nope nope, that will be too awkward when he walks by. The flowers on her desk? YES J YES!
6. Start being lectured on the merits of annuals versus perennials, and the reason that hydrangeas are the best flower, and the different pests in her garden, and…
7. Zone out and start picturing my future life with gym bae.
8. …and we have a pet Shiba Inu named Taco, and we drink wine on the floor in front of the TV every night, and…

Gym bae fam

#goals

9. Flowers, flowers, OMG IS THAT GYM BAE?!?!
10. He’s gotten shorter since I last saw him 15 minutes ago.
11. And aged considerably.
12. And changed genders.
13. Damn it, FINE, that’s Mrs. McGillicuddy. Why you gotta get my hopes up like that Rhonda? After I lent you my perfume last week?!
14. SHIT. I forgot to put on perfume. Hopefully he gets just close enough to admire how my eyes match my dress, but not close enough to smell me…
15. Front desk lady waves over my shoulder. “Bye, guys! Have a good day!”
16. Guys? Guys?! GUYS?!?!?!

gaga

17. Turn around and smile, following flower chick’s gaze.
18. Forget how legs work. Right ankle rolls under. Death is imminent. My life flashes before my eyes.
19. NO, NOT 7th GRADE! SO MANY BAD CHOICES!
20. I manage to catch myself on the front desk, but the damage has been done. Gym bae has noticed me, and NOT in the way I was going for.
21. Front desk lady is severely concerned for my well-being, and says the words “Honey” and “Dear” so many times that they lose meaning.
22. I do what I always do when embarrassed: Start laughing hysterically. It’s an effective coping mechanism.
23. Coping mechanism #2: Make excuses for myself.
“I guess wedges were a bad choice considering my terrible lack of coordination and grace!” (wrong).
“Wow, maybe I should have had less to drink last night, but the guy I was on a date with wasn’t tolerable when I was sober!” (NO).
“I just get really nervous around cute guys, I guess!” (at this point my grandmother called me from her nursing home and actually disowned me).

gran

24. Gym bae and his friend leave.
25. I spend the next 15 minutes trapped in the world’s longest conversation about hydrangeas while my rolled ankle throbs. Did you know that the word ‘hydrangea’ means preservation, and is often used in weddings to represent the preservation of love? Probs not. You probably didn’t care either. It’s cool, NEITHER DO I.
26. Cry.
27. Sob.
28. Schvitz.
29. Remember I’m not Jewish and thus have no license to use Yiddish words.
30. Cry.

What’s that saying? I’ll get him in the playoffs? Is that how this works? Please say that’s how this works.

plan

Maybe I should stick to Tinder.

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Getting ready for a date

So, you’ve been chatting with Brett from Tinder for a week now, and it’s finally date night. You’re both excited and a little bit anxious, because this bro is like, SUPER hot. AND he went to Yale. AND he’s a volunteer who helps disabled kittens on the weekend! How do you compete with that when the closest thing you’ve done to charity in the past year was buying a pair of TOMS shoes?! Yikes. Well, better get started…

4:30 PM – Beg, plead, and grovel at the feet of your team to let you leave work early so that you can ‘beat traffic’ and make it home in time for your date.
4:31 – Coworkers point out that you Metro’d to work. You sigh and confess that you haven’t showered in two days. Coworkers finally realize what the smell in the conference room has been.
4:32 – Slink shamefully out of office, hygienic reputation ruined, and walk to the Metro. Several flowers wilt as you pass them.

dirty

5:00 – Arrive home. PUMP UP THE JAMS.
5:01 – Hop in shower.
5:01:30 – Toniiiiight, I’ll be your NAAAAUUUGHHTY GIIIIIIRLLLLLL…
5:04 – YEAH, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT…
5:09 – Exit shower. Attempt to dry hair like they do in salon. Get brush stuck in hair*. PANIC.
5:13 – Finally get brush unstuck. Pour a glass of wine to calm down. Drink count: 1.

hair

*Seriously, how do they do this?!?!

5:25 – Stand in front of closet exploding with clothing. Exasperated sigh. “I have, like, NOTHING to wear!!!” Kk.
5:30 – You are dressed. Examine self in mirror.
5:30:15 – This shirt makes me look fat. These pants make me look fat. My fat makes me look fat.
5:30:30 – Change.
5:32 – I SWEAR THESE PANTS FIT ME. THEY WILL FIT ME.
5:35 – You’re out of breath and have processed a stroke, but the pants are on. DAAAAMN, IS THAT MY ASS?! He’ll marry me for sure.

pants

5:38 – After a full three minutes of checking yourself out, it’s time for makeup. You steady yourself in front of the mirror and realize you have no idea what to do. How about one of those Youtube makeup tutorials? Yeah, that has to work!!
5:50 –
contour

5:50:05 – AAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHhhhhhhhh HELPPPPPP
5:50:10 – Pour glass of wine. Drink count: 2.
5:51 – Scrub face with makeup remover until raw. You know what, makeup is overrated. I’m beautiful just the way I am.
5:51:15 – Change song.
5:51:16 – SWEATPANTS, HAIR TIE, CHILLIN WITH NO MAKEUP ON, THAT’S WHEN YOU THE PRETTIEST…
5:54 – Top off glass of wine. Drink count: 2.5. Take seat on couch. Date countdown: 36 minutes. Perfect. I’ll just sit here, and relax, and everything will be great! I’m TOTALLY fine. Not nervous at all. Nope, nope, nope.

ready

5:56 – Cycle through all five Kubler-Ross stages of impending social engagement.
Denial: Ugh, I REALLY don’t want to go on this date. I’m  not going on this date. I’ll say something SO weird. Nobody loves me. Why would I even try?! Nope, not going, not a chance.
Anger: WHY would he have the AUDACITY to ASK ME OUT when he KNOWS that he’s NOT READY FOR LOVE?! I haven’t even MET him yet but I can TELL from his TONE that he’s JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKBOY. HOW CAN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS.
Bargaining: Ok, I’ll go for like, ONE drink. If I make it through one drink, then I never have to go on a date ever again. I’ll tell my mom that I tried but love just isn’t for me! Hopefully my brother can give her grandchildren.
Depression: IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN SOMEONE THINKING YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE AND WANTING TO GO OUT WITH YOU?!?! WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL!
Acceptance: I’ll just have another glass of wine so maybe alcohol will kill me even if my embarrassment fails to do so. Drink count: 3.5.

not ok

6:15 – Ok, if I leave now, I’ll be on time. So, five minute warning.
6:16 – Snapchat roommates, close friends, and the coworkers you bailed on earlier. Selfie. “Ready for my date!” Geofiltered, normal filtered, saved. Wow, you are a Snapchat Goddess.
6:20 – Time to leave! Goodbye apartment! Goodbye tv! Goodbye refrigerator! Goodbye cookies waiting for me on the kitchen counter! Can’t wait to stress eat y’all when I get home!
6:21 – Oh fuck, I forgot my keys & phone & wallet & left shoe.
6:24 – Wave goodbye to concierge. Tell them to call the police if they don’t see you by 10 PM. They ignore you because they’re watching ‘House of Cards.’ It’s gucci.

suffer

#wastehistime2016

6:35 – Arrive at your location, right on schedule. Oh god, is it that guy?! Ugh NO. CATFISH- oh, wait, that guy’s with his wife. We’re good. Is it that on-
Deep voice behind you: Hi, J?
Spin around. OH HEEEEEEY.
“Hey! Brett?”

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

hello

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Running Into an Ex

I think we can all agree that seeing an ex is an unpleasant experience. This is true whether it’s an ex-hookup who has seen you physically naked, or an ex-significant-other who has seen you both physically AND emotionally naked. Whether you ended things badly or amicably. Whether you’ve ‘moved on’ or not. No matter the circumstances, this situation is pretty high up on my list of ‘things I’d rather not do,’ right between plucking out my eyelashes one by one and angering the hulk-looking woman toting a yoga mat and a basket of whey protein around Whole Foods. Who knew kale could make a woman so strong?

kale

However, unless you are one of those lucky folks with the job flexibility to move to a different continent every time you go through a breakup, you are in danger. It lurks around every corner, in both the unflattering fluorescent light of the metro and the hidden corners of nightclubs. Therefore, we at Tinder District have comprised this handy guide of how to handle a run-in with your ex. You can thank us later.

1. At the grocery store

There you are, meandering down the wine aisle in the sweats you’ve been wearing for the past two days (is there any other acceptable grocery shopping attire?), trying to find the white that has the highest alcohol percentage, when you spot a flash of an orange jacket down the lane. His orange jacket. Your breath catches in your throat as you remember why you swore off shopping at this grocery store. Yes, it has the best selection of Hot Pockets, but it’s ALSO RIGHT BY HIS APARTMENT.

You look down, surveying the damage. There’s a pizza stain on your right boob, and cat hair adorns the entirety of your front (hey, you needed something to get you through those lonely nights!). Your cart looks like the Pillsbury dough boy and Ben&Jerry all had a magical love affair, and your attempt at ‘balance’ by stuffing the remainder of your cart with 3 for $10 Lean Cuisines screams “no, I haven’t found someone else, hahahaWHYDOYOUASKhahaha.”

You can’t speak to him like this. Not today, Satan.

bf

Solution: Silently grab the two closest bottles of wine (for backup, of course) and summon all the grace you acquired in those ballet lessons you both started and quit at age four. Make your way quietly to the feminine products aisle. Do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200. Boys are genetically programmed to avoid this aisle at all costs. He’ll never find you there. Try to blend in with a wall of vibrant pink tampon boxes until the coast is clear. This could take up to two hours, but you know you weren’t actually going to go to the gym today. A couple hours without pizza rolls could do you some good.

pizza

2. At the office

I actually don’t feel too obligated to help you with this one, because as I’ve said here before, DON’T DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. DON’T DO IT. Don’t do it.

Bitch, you still did it?! Smh. Fine.

So, here’s the situation. You’re standing in the office kitchen, slaving over a hot Flavia machine and generally avoiding work, when a curly-haired hunk walks in. All of a sudden, you’re struck with a wave of deja vu. Where have I seen this guy before? Orientation? Was he at that traini- Oh, FUCK.

Yep. It’s the bro in Accounting you hooked up with after the last company happy hour. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. And now he wants to come talk. Fuck fuck fuck.

regret

Solution: Luckily, you are a very important and busy person. As he greets you, exclaim very loudly that “I have a very important meeting in 15 seconds and cannot be bothered with your idle chit chat!” To emphasize this point, grab your cup out from under the Flavia machine as it is still percolating, letting a stream of hot coffee flow directly onto the counter. Swig the remaining dregs of coffee, fight through the burning sensation in your mouth, and crush the cup under your stiletto (nice shoe choice!). Use your heel to flip the cup* into the trash can and bolt, leaving said bro in stunned silence. Boom. Roasted.

*It bears saying that this task requires immense amounts of foot-eye coordination and grace. There is always a risk that you will end up flipping the cup into the back of your own head, or at the senior manager who is innocently removing her Chobani from the fridge. Proceed at your own risk.

fail

3. At a party

It’s a Friday night, and you’ve been dragged out of your apartment against your will by your friends who ‘hate to see you staying in all the time’ and ‘are concerned that you haven’t eaten anything but Cheez-Its for the past week.’ What’s wrong with some cheese and carbs?! You have thrown on clothing in your spirit color (black) that meets the minimum requirement for going out (i.e. you are literally wearing athletic leggings), forced back three shots of tequila, and are feeling pretty good about yourself… until you and the squad roll up to Lost Society and end up in line RIGHT BEHIND YOUR EX. AND HIS NEW GIRL. You try to tuck and roll back into the Uber, but your friends form a wall, blocking all attempts at a ‘Red Rover’ maneuver.

men

You beg. You plead. You grovel. (All done in an awkward silent mime act, remember, said fuckboy is just inches in front of you). No avail. You’re going to Lost Society whether you like it or not. Just when you’ve said your last prayer that he doesn’t notice you, he turns around.

Fuckboy – Hey! How’s it going?
You – *attempts at speaking, lack of words, awkward thumbs up*
F – …haha, cool. Hey, have you met Victoria?
Y – *laser vision activated*
Y – *remember you’re not actually a superhero*
Yikes. Things are going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids.

timber

Solution: Grab the closest cute boy in your vicinity. Although you usually wouldn’t go for anything less than an 8, a 6 or above will suffice due to the dire needs of the situation. Invent a name for said boy. Brock? Nah, too Pokemon. Weston? Too… bougie. Paxton? Perfect.
Y – Ah, Victoria! Nice to meet you! This is my new boyfriend, Paxton. We met at his father’s country club. Paxton is an investment banker and the heir to a Texas oil baron. And he has a puppy. Scratch that – TWO puppies. Huskies. That’s right, two husky puppies. Isn’t that right, Paxton?
‘P’ – You’re hot, whatever.
F – Oh… ok… well, good to see you’re moving on…
Y – Victoria, I hope you’ve gotten tested!
Then stride off, thank Paxton for his time, and reject his attempts to get your phone number. He’s a 7. You can do better.

drake

4. In your texts

Solution: “New phone, who dis?”

Done and done.

god

There you have it! Now you can face the world, head held high, plans to enter the Witness Protection Program tabled.

But seriously, DON’T DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH.

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: How to make your date hate you

Happy Monday, Tinder District readers! How was your weekend? Did you spend it watching ‘Magic Mike’ on mute while listening to ’80s love ballads? No? Oh. Haha, me neither!!!

magic-mike-16

I have a confession, since we’re all cool and open with each other and jank. I took the weekend off from Tinder dates. *gasp*

Yep, I paid for my own food and drank for three. days. straight. New record?*

*This was made easier by the fact that I attended an open bar party on Friday night, was too hungover on Saturday to eat anything but dinner and Jumbo Slice, and was once again too hungover on Sunday to eat anything but dinner and some of this dank apple caramel cake I made. Thank you, tequila, for saving me from needing to buy food. #JoseIsBae2016

I couldn’t leave y’all without a blog post, though! Like how else would you procrastinate your various responsibilities?! Oh… Facebook, you say? And Instagram? Darn my lack of importance to your life. Eh, the show must go on.

the show

Maybe this too

SoOoOo, one common thread running through all my dates (aside from me temporarily forgetting how to use silverware, dropping it, and hiding my face until it finishes clattering loudly on the ground) is that I will inevitably respond to one of my date’s questions in the worst possible way. I thought I would share some of such answers, just in case there was any chance that any guys out there still wanted to go out with me, or in case you are under the impression that I am in any way ‘suave.’

Question: My family is pretty Christian. Are you religious?
Answer that will make your date hate you: Yeah, kinda! I’m like, Buddhist. But- but- not like, in a weird way!!
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Tree pose. In the middle of the Italian Embassy.

tree

Question: What should our trivia team name be?
Answer that will make your date hate you: My friends and I usually go with Sweatpants Boner!
Your date’s skeptical response: What did you just say?
Answer that will make your date hate you even more: Oh… um… thank god I’m an organ donor?
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Showing your date the little heart on your license to prove that you are, in fact, an organ donor.

liar truther

Drake and Josh <3

Question: What’s your best friend like?
Answer that will make your date hate you: She’s great!! She actually just got engaged, and I’m super excited to be in her wedding. It’s funny, when I told my mom she was like ‘so you’re next, right?!’ and I was like ‘haha no I’ll probably never get married.’
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Nervous eye twitch; furious blushing that begins in the neck and causes you to bear a stunning resemblance to a ripe tomato.

marry

Question: How has your week been?
Answer that will make your date hate you: OMG, it has been SO exhausting! You’re my 4th tinder date in three days, and I think I can smell colors.
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Slouching in your chair to emphasize your exhaustion, while allowing your eyes to cross and your tongue to loll out of your mouth. Hey, show AND tell, right?!

exhausting

Question: Wow, why do you go to a gym all the way out in McLean when you live in Clarendon?
Answer that will make your date hate you: Oh, well there’s actually the most beautiful boy in the world who works out there at the same time I do, and I try to impress him in hopes that one day he’ll talk to me! He’s so perfect.
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Showing your date the creepy snapchats of this guy that you’ve saved, along with the ex-boyfriend who he looks identical to.

anyway

I’m lucky I’m pretty, I guess?

XOXO,
J

TD Guide: Opening Lines

No matter whether you’re Tindering up a blaze (ew), Buzzin’ on Bumble (sorry), or seeing what’s Happn-ing (you can stop reading if you want), your opening line is one of the most critical moves that you will make in your budding relationship with that cute girl posing with all the puppies. In my time on Tinder, I have seen it all, most notable of late being the following:

image4 (1)

CHARMING.

I understand that it can be hard! This beautiful Kate Middleton look-a-like is probably being swarmed with romantic promises from local Fabio’s, promising her riches, vodka, and more riches (and hopefully more vodka. Is that just me?)

Don’t fret! I’m an absolute Saint, so I have put together the following Guide to the Opening Line. You’re welcome in advance!*

*Tinder District does not accept any responsibility for any lines that do not work as promised. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

DO:

dating now

A positive response to this kind of message LIKELY says “I have a sense of humor and will be a fun person to talk to!” CAVEAT: it may also denote that the respondent is a lovesick sociopath. Proceed at your own risk.

MAYBE: “How are you?”

How am I? Well, I just took Plan B, I threw up next to the toilet when I was drunk last week, I’ve had Ramen for the past five meals, and I’ve been listening to “Strawberry Wine” on repeat and crying for the past three hours while looking at pictures of my ex-boyfriend.

Ok, so don’t respond that. Or do, and leave a comment to let me know how that works out for you. The point is, I’m not comfortable sharing my intimate personal details with a complete stranger (I’ll get to know you and THEN bombard you with all my little quirks and anxieties, muahaha). I will likely follow your lead and respond with a generic “I’m good! How about you?” and we have learned NOTHING about each other. Good start. Better to save this kind of pleasantry for passing your awkward coworker in the office hallway.

DON’T: “You like adventure, huh? Well, my asshole is a jungle.”

I received this message on Sunday. It still haunts me. I suppose this is what I should have expected when I added the clause “I’m tired of just ‘getting drinks.’ Let’s go on an adventure!” I JUST WANT MORE EMBASSY GALAS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!**

**Yes, J. Yes it is.

DO:

image3

Because I’m super fun and original!!!! (Or lazy. Choose your own adventure).

MAYBE: “Hey, it’s super cool that you went to [COLLEGE]! That’s where my mom went!

Oh, good. One of my criteria for a successful relationship is actually “where your mom went to college.” It ranks right up there with ‘how many paperclips you have in your desk drawer’ and ‘how many hairs are growing out of your right big-toe knuckle.’

Sure. Find something in common, great talking point. But please, for the sake of the children, guide that conversation away from your parents. A bit early in the relationship for that, don’tcha think?

image6

I rest my case.

DON’T:

image1

I’m not sure what this means.

…DON’T:

image2

I swear this wasn’t me.

DON’T, DON’T, DON’T:

image5image3image4

OH, MY GOD, WHY DO I ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO USE MY TINDER:

image7

Actually, fuck it. Say whatever you want. I just found a message where I told a guy my SAT score. I clearly don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

hands

XOXO,
J

 

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