Category: Messages (page 1 of 2)

J: Your privilege is showing

Context: I don’t always get the pleasure of having in-depth, ideological conversations with my dates, especially not before I meet them. I was thus pleasantly surprised when I engaged a man with an opposite opinion as mine… until he kept talking. Read on to realize how ignorant and privilege-blind humanity can be! Continue reading

J: Paging Doctor McDreamy

Context: While swiping through Tinder one Sunday post-boozy brunch, I stumbled upon a profile that was both concerning and filled with potential for hilarity. Never one to miss out on such an opportunity, I swiped right and found myself engaged in a conversation with ‘McDreamy.’  Continue reading

Moments: New Year, New Boys

It’s the first work day of 2015! Which is feeling a little bit like “WHY CRUEL WORLD WHY” and kinda like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIT SIX ESPRESSO SHOTS IN THAT CUP,” but also a little nice, because if the rest of 2016 looks anything like this past weekend then I’m about to need a liver transplant.

So, while I try to come up with a medical/religious excuse to never wear real pants to work ever, please enjoy the fruits of this weekend’s hungover Tinderfest!

New year new boys 1New year new boys 2

He hasn’t responded and I’m overwhelmingly sad about it. What’s wrong with my motto, B?!

So, who’s the new boy that I’ll ‘reign’ in 2016 with? Maybe this one?

racist

FYI, the tea joke was “How do Americans make tea? They throw it into the harbor!” HAHA ha h- not funny in the least.

Ehhh, probably not. I’m looking for a rasict.

cheese1

Ooooh, cheese. Now we’re talking. Let’s see here…

cheese2

cheese3

If you don’t share my cheese philosophy, we will never be lovers. NEXT.

dream1
So, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this profile format, but each one of his assertions is backed up by photographic evidence. I’m assuming his default mirror selfie (no face) is the “dream man” portion (already not going well). Then we have…

dream5

His own lake!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

Builds computers for fun!

Builds computers for fun!

Cooks gourmet meals!

Cooks gourmet meals!

I would just like to say that I appreciate the effort he put into this, but THANK GOD he didn’t include photographic evidence that he can “slap your ass like a man who knows how.” I can rest a little bit easier at night having never seen this, thank you very much.

XOXO,
J

Messages: Wine not?

When a profile like this comes along, you can’t NOT super-like. Luckily for me, Wine and I matched instantaneously. I knew we were in love.

image1

image2

I finally found someone who I can really express myself too. I needed to talk to wine. I knew wine would understand.

image3

At this point, I opened the Wikipedia glossary of wine terminology because Christmas broke my brain.

image4

I know, I know, I was a bit rude. We all have those days. Wine understands.

image5

image6

image7

It will be a spring wedding.

XOXO,
J

J: Tinder is the new Craigslist

Context: AAAAaaaayooo. Guess who has two thumbs and hasn’t been on a date in over a week and is kinda loving it? This girl! I attribute this to a ratchet AF long weekend spent at my alma mater making legitimately T E R R I B L E life decisions, and being in a general funk spurred by a recent spat with this huge fuckboy. Also, my body recently decided to celebrate the fact that I’m not pregnant (very exciting, see: aforementioned terrible life decisions) by essentially smashing my insides with a sledgehammer. Like, pain to the point where I canceled two dates. Being a girl is super fun!

hurts

But, I am recharged! I’ve done a little slutting around and now I’m ready to get back in the free food and dranks game. Till then, enjoy this story displaying how smart and cunning my roommates and I are!

Are y’all familiar with those Elf Yourself videos? If not, you live under a rock and idk how you’re reading this right now because shouldn’t you be churning butter or some shit? They’re great. I made four for our apartment (I am very busy and have a highly demanding social calendar), but they are simply no replacement for the traditional Christmas card. You know, those life updates you send to family and frenemies with a carefree and candid picture on the front that screams “Happy politically correct holidays! We are thinking of you kinda but mostly we just want you to think of us! Look how skinny and pretty we are and how shiny our hair is and how much we L.O.V.E. each other! Oh you like my festive sweater? Good I spent $195 dollars on it at a high-end boutique and now I won’t be able to eat for a month but look how SKINNY we are!”

skinny

Yep. We want to send THOSE out! However, problem – a holiday photoshoot requires a photographer. Where do we find one of those? The photographer store? Do we meander around the American University campus and grab the first hipster with a DSLR? Wait… TINDER!

This kind of thinking is why they pay us the big bucks.

I immediately updated my bio to the following:

bio

I poured myself a bottle of red wine, queued up Alanis Morrisette (my spirit animal), and got to swiping.

convo1

This guy seemed promising, until he STOPPED responding to my messages after I told him we wanted the shoot to be “kind of basic, but not like SUPER basic, you know?”

convo3

My hobbies include telling people they’re useless so that they develop an inferiority complex and feel the need to impress me.

convo2

My hobbies ALSO include being super humble and sweet.

So, how does the story end? Well, I DID find a photographer! However, fate had other plans. After a wild night at our respective holiday parties, M, L, and I were too hungover to function today and decided to forgo pictures in favor of eating melty cheese. PRIORITIES.

cheese

XOXO,
J

I [do] fuck with you

Context: Way back in Ye Olden Days (September 2015), L and I matched with the same cutie, C, on Tinder. We obviously used this opportunity to fuck with him because we’re bad bitches. Also, C totally knew about the blog before I went on my first date with him because I blacked out and sent him the link. Are you out there, C? I miss you! But clearly not enough to text you first!

The scene: M, L, and J stand in their apartment kitchen, swigging from wine bottles, smile-laughing and hair tossing like they’re in an SEC sorority recruitment video, and messaging various boys on Tinder.

L – Hey, didn’t one of you two match with a guy named C?
J – Yeah, I did! I’m talking to him right now, and we have a date planned for Monday night at La Tasca. [Examines L’s phone] Yep, same guy!
L – Wanna fuck with him?
J – Does a basic bitch like pumpkin spice?!
L – LET’S DO IT

Conversation with L:

IMG_7839

Class project, C? Is that all I am to you?! Also, we’re meeting up for a drink, and you want to take L exploring?! How the F did I get the short end of this stick?

Conversation with J:
IMG_7820

Hehe, we’re sly. And awesome. Now, who wouldn’t want to be friends with us funny ladies?!

XOXO,
J

J: Journey to the past

Happy Thanksgiving, readers! I hope your day looks a little bit EXACTLY like this:

mashed

My family “decided not to do” Thanksgiving this year (can someone please confirm this is not an acceptable decision, because we are AMERICANS, damn it) so I am being adopted by my loving best friend H. I’m bringing candy cane-oreo brownies, though, so I think we know who the REAL winners are here.

nickel

Unparalleled excitement

So, in honor of this day spent exploring your shortcomings (yes, grandma, I DON’T have a boyfriend. That doesn’t mean I’m not getting any, though! Hah! …Grandma? You ok?) I thought I would take a little stroll down memory lane of my own.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I haven’t always been the dating expert that I claim to be today. However, I SLAYED on very rare occasion in high school. A friend’s recent backstalking-expedition uncovered the following gems from the period in which I woo-ed my 12th-grade lover, G. I present to you:

16-year-old J’s Guide To Love

1. When you meet a girl, tell her you were “surprised” how tall/short/sparkly (?) she was! She will appreciate it every time.

tall surprise

I’m as surprise as you are, G.

2. Girls love to think that they’re in competition with other women. Therefore, when they’re trying to make plans, it’s best to act like you can’t make it because you’ll be with your other girlfriend.

breakup plan

“Maybe Thursday.” Winner of the year, guys.

3. After the first date is the PERFECT TIME to say “I Love You”! Girls will find it flattering and not at all creepy!

i love you

A couple notes here because I understand this message is really weird:

  1. I was bitten ON THE FACE by the dog I was dogsitting immediately before my first date with G. I was sitting in Chipotle with blood seeping through my bandages. It was a good look.
  2. G only brought a $100 bill with him to Chipotle, and the cashiers wouldn’t take it, so I ended up paying for our date. I know, this goes against ALL of my principles, but I really liked this guy (and I LOVE Chipotbae). He did pay for Chipotle + gelato on our next date, so all is well.
  3. My high school hobbies included posting videos of myself rambling about  absolutely nothing on guys’ Facebook walls. Unfortunately this trend has gone the way of the dinosaurs, because it was highly effective.

4. Play hard to get. Especially on Valentine’s day. There’s no better way to make someone think you’re mysterious than pretending to have other plans!

vday

“I GUESS we can do something” KILL EM, Little J

Once you’ve used these helpful tactics to secure yourself a mate, there will come a day when you’re no longer interested. However, losing this guy is going to be a different story – after all, you’re perfect (aww, you’re welcome) and this guy has nowhere to go but down! So be prepared to either a) change your phone number, join the witness protection program, and move to the Czech Republic, or b) face this barrage of texts for years to come:

hi hi hi

Next time you’re feeling desperate, just be glad you’re not THIS desperate. Hope you’re doing well, M!

feel-too-much

XOXO,
J

Messages: Don’t talk about my mother that way

One of the great mysteries of life is people who lead off Tinder conversations with “wanna come hook up?” WHO SAYS YES TO THIS? Guys, seriously. Have you ever watched an episode of CSI?! Ever watched David Caruso seductively put on his sunglasses and utter a punny one-liner that never fails to elicit a girlish giggle?

caruso sunglasses

THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE. In a moment of feminine desperation, you agree to enter the lair of a seemingly sweet, attractive internet gentleman, and BAM. Face on milk cartons, all that jazz. Yeah, count me out.

This brings us to this lovely interaction I had a few nights ago:

Messages 1

Ew. First of all, he claims that District Taco is better than Chipotle, and NO. Just no. Don’t treat my precious ChipotBAE like that, you plebeian.

chipotle

And no, dude, I do NOT want to come over. You have questionable taste in Mexican food, you are really bad at telling jokes, and WHY ON EARTH do you think I would want to have a threesome WITH MY MOM?! (who happens to read this blog! Hi Mom! You have an admirer! Don’t tell Dad!)

We continued to chat against my better judgment, during the course of which conversation I uttered the phrase “I don’t like you” no less than three times. His profile says he likes Duke basketball, though, so I’m not too surprised that he’s a little dense.

Messages 1b

You. Must. Be. Joking. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Oh yeah, Duke basketball.

duke

J: Hello, It’s Me

(Title is how I feel every time I step into La Tasca, or the Trader Joe’s wine aisle)

hello

Another Sunday, another nagging tequila hangover spent mindlessly swiping on Tinder in bed with the new J Biebs album on repeat (oh em gee, guys, SO GOOD). I treasure this valuable alone time with my potential future husbands, like this stud:

stud1 stud2

He makes me happy. Checkmate, indeed.

And this not-so-stud who has evidently decided that we are soulmates by gracing me with his daily super-like:

stud3_Fotor

How charming!

But enough about them, let’s talk about me. I had a fun-filled week of 30 Rock, wine, three canceled Tinder dates (all the same guy… but I changed up my go-to cereal from Corn FLAKES to Peanut Butter Puffins so I’m fairly certain I’ve solved the issue at hand), and one really really good Tinder date! Like, 5-hour first date that feels like 30 minutes good. Happy J!

I also wanted to give a shout out to one of M’s matches, “Bunny Suit Guy,” who now knows about the blog and has dubbed me the “Queen of Tinder.” I immediately updated my resume and re-uploaded it to my company’s online talent portal (can’t wait to see what kind of engagements this new skill gets me staffed on). Hey, C! I’m still searching for you and your bunny suit, I promise!

I’ve got a full week of free dranks ahead of me, including margaritas on Wednesday (WHY TEQUILA WHY) and a Tuesday with this gentleman/my soulmate:

stud4

Ring pops 4eva LONG LIVE THE 90s!

Idk whether I want them to be good dates because cuffing season, or bad because blog content, but hey – free booze, can’t lose.

glass

XOXO,
J

J: Gotta get some Head n’ Shoulders for these flakes

I don’t know what it is about this week that says “Hey, you know what would be funner than a barrel of monkeys?! If we made plans with J, got her all excited about them, let her get all dolled up, and then CANCELLED them at the last minute! Ha! Ha ha ha!”

Are the stars aligned out of my favor? Is Virgo sinking? Is Mercury in retrograde? What is retrograde? Is retro really coming back? If so, where did I put my bellbottoms? (these are the questions that keep me up at night).

Let’s back up to Monday. I had chatted with a guy on Coffee Meets Bagel (I’ve decided I hate this app, but that’s a different story) and we made plans to meet up for happy hour at La Tasca (YASSS BAE) on Monday night.

…OR so I thought. Because I’m sitting at work, doing my consulting thang, when I get this text:

ian1

“Just wanted to let you know”?!?! Yeah, you BETTER fucking let me know, buddy, before I’m sitting at La Tasca alone waiting for a date who’s never coming when I COULD be using that as valuable sangria and empanadas time. Also, just a thought, is this a good way to get free stuff? Pretend to be stood up, start fake crying, and maybe get a glass of the good stuff on the house? I may try this next week… updates to come.

Also, that’s fine if you need to cancel. I’ve been there. But, is it too hard for you to say “Sorry”?! Can you not provide a reason? I deserve better than this!

better

But, I figured he could have just been having an off or extraordinarily busy day, so I responded like the kind soul I am. Only to be rewarded for my patience with… radio silence. Well, fuck you too, sir. Phone number deleted, unmatched, bye forever.

So there I was, dateless on a Monday, back to the swiping game. Which was peppered by some laughs, a lot of full body cringes, and this lovely conversation that I had with my coworker A:

cuff

Update: I blocked him.

On Thursday, I matched with a very nice and very cute guy that I started talking to. We switched quickly to text, and made plans to meet for dinner the next night in Tenleytown (he’s an AU grad student). Our conversation started to get very interesting, very fast.

an1

…of course it does. I’m a fucking Amazon. Don’t feel bad for short guys, that’s why there are plenty of lovely short girls. Also, you’re 6’2, don’t worry about it.

an2

Starting to rethink this whole date situation…

an3

Awesome! Friend-zoned before I’ve even met you!! But, he said he’d still pay, and I’m always down to make new friends, so not a big deal.

The next day at work, I get a text that he’s going to get off work late and is exhausted and is canceling. This is fine – now I don’t have to hike to fucking Tenleytown, and he a) said sorry (twice!) and b) gave a reason. Now is it really that hard, Mr. Coffee Meets Asshole?!

I was lazing on the couch watching Disney movies with M and L (sooooo much better than a date) when I get this:

an4

UM. WHAT? Also, in case you were worried, I did not get the sexy selfie. Though I’m very curious whether it would have been him making a sexy face, or a dick pic, or a picture of a beautiful pizza. The sexiest.

an5

Dude this is literally the exact opposite of what you said yesterday. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. My small female brain can’t handle all of this confusion.

an6

Ok, ok.

  1. “I can’t”? Like, you can’t even? Are you a sorority girl? Or, you can’t finish your sentence? Clearly just ‘too busy.’
  2. Sir, you scheduled both of our dates. Presumably at times and places that worked for you. Then you canceled both of our dates, within 24 hours of making the plans. WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m so, so glad that I didn’t end up going out with him, not even because it would be a waste of my time (says the girl who watched four Disney movies on a Friday night, #teamnoshame), but because if I had actually liked him, his flakiness would KILL. ME. Like, rip right through my soul and into my heart. And I am very much not in an emotional position to deal with that, as I’m currently trying to sort out some mixed signals from another lovely and hella confusing gentleman.

But seriously, guys. Who leads with a sexy selfie?!

facepalm

XOXO,
J

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