Category: Moments (page 1 of 3)

Moments: Fuckboy Central

Context: There is a strange phenomenon running rampant in our society in which boys have decided that it is a good thing to be fuckboys. THIS IS WRONG. IT IS A BAD THING. I present you with evidence to support my case for the “self-identifying fuckboy.” If you have any similar experiences with a fuckboy, please send your screenshots to TinderDistrict@gmail.com. Together, we can cure this horrible, debilitating disease. Continue reading

J: Halloween Revenge

Context: My roommates and I are threw a housewarming/Halloween party a few weeks ago, and I was incredibly eager to invite ALLOFMYFRIENDS. As such, I thought nothing of inviting Mr. Medicine (who I am still best friends with)… until he asked me if he could bring his new girlfriend. Now, I’m cool with her, but I figured this would be a good opportunity to do what I love most – Tinder trolling. I updated my bio, swiped right on everyone during a ‘bathroom break’ at work, and let the messages roll in. Continue reading

Moments: Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

Context: Unless you have been hiding under a rock located in a very remote area, you have heard all about how Pokemon Go is sweeping the nation. You may have even caught a Pokemon yourself. BUT – have you used Pokemon Go to find love? Probably not. Because you’re not as cool as Lo, who shared these screenshots of how Pokemon is improving her love life. Maybe she’ll find someone to buy that margarita for her, once and for all?!

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And, did I mention that her Tinder bio is “I catch Pokemon, not feelings?” Life goals, Lo. Life goals.

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XOXO,
J

Moments: Dialogue of a first date

ContextI matched with this super awkward engineer on Hinge way back in ye olden times (March), and went on a date with him a few days later. This is not a post about the date, because it was boring and awkward AF and there was not a second date. Rather, this post is to demonstrate what girls are thinking before AND after your date, as expressed through a series of texts with my friends A and BP. So, if you’re ever thinking girls aren’t talking about you, you’re stupid because we totally are.

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Stage 1: Fear of being catfished

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Stage 2: Support from loved ones

 

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Stage 3: “I’d Rather Be Anywhere Else”

*Insert very long, somewhat awkward date here*

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Stage 4: Deciding if you want a 2nd date

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Stage 5: Absolute insanity

It’s probably a good thing for him that I ghosted, because I might be legitimately crazy.

XOXO,
J

J: Pics or it didn’t happen

I’m tired.

Don’t roll your eyes at me, guys. I’m, like, really tired. So much, in fact, that one of my dates last night so kindly pointed it out to me, adding a sour note to my glass of chardonnay.

He said something to the effect of “you look exhausted.” I’m honestly not sure how he knew that, because I looked phenomenal, but I trusted him because he was paying for my meal.

And, he was right! I had spent 11 hours at work the day before, and come home to drink an entire bottle of wine while I watched Charlie St. Cloud and sobbed (ZAC EFRON 5EVA).

I took a long, hard look at my life. Am I really upset/angry/loopy/whatever negative emotion has been permeating my life recently, or am I just tired? Is the real reason I don’t have Ass Like Serena (yet) because my preferred serving of wine is a bottle, or because I’m lucky to get 5 hours of sleep a night? I honestly didn’t know.

So, I’m going to sleep. And, since I have determined through extensive experimentation that writing while sleeping is difficult, I will just post some of the highlights of my dating app experience over the past few weeks. Enjoy!

…ok, buddy…

 

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When I allow my guy friends to Bumble for me…

This guy’s bio was “Just started going to the gym.” My friend K decided to share in the joy of new experiences.

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Who knew there were this many yellow food emojis?

The nice guys…

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Emoji game on FLEEK

…and the not so nice guys.

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Sundar Pichai/Sergey Brin/Larry Page? Is that you?!

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Alpha as FUCK, dude.

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BUT EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL UNTIL YOU DROPPED THE PERVERT BOMB

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SOS SOS ABORT MISSION

What a time to be alive.

XOXO,
J

Moments: Good, Bad, Ugly

Have you heard that there’s a snowstorm coming?

Oh, you haven’t? Well, maybe you should have asked THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE DC METROPOLITAN AREA THAT WAS AT TRADER JOE’S LAST NIGHT.

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My lovely readers, I pray to the highest powers (Queens Bey and Nicki) that you will never be in a grocery line that loops around the store more than once. It is a fate that I would not wish upon my greatest enemy.* And yet, I wished it upon myself last night, as I stood for 45 minutes in a line of crazed lunatics, prepared for the zombie apocalypse, pushing carts laden with milk, bread, charcoal, pickaxes, bananas, and other essentials.

*Except you, Drew. You know what you did.

My basket? Not so ominous. Just a sweet, innocent girl and four… no, five… OK, fine, stop judging me with your judgy eyes, SIX bottles of wine. Plus a slab of cheese or two. Plus Honey Nut Cheerios. Just the essentials.

WineBasket

yassssss

Anyway, since I spent eternity and a half in Trader Joe’s, my brain is fried like an egg on the sidewalk. Egg brain means I can’t write words or form sentences and also I called the male Starbucks barista ‘Mom’ this morning. Enjoy these pictures while I attempt to uncross my eyes.

The Good

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I got super liked by this puppy!

The Bad

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This guy who thinks he’s Marilyn Monroe**, even though he was named after a potato.

**Or Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, or Eleanor Roosevelt… the jury is out. Daily history lesson!

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This poor guy who has chosen Tinder as a venue to air his grievances about his failed relationships.

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…and this young man, who unfortunately chose the worst Spongebob line of all time to include in his bio. What ever happened to the classics, like “CHOCOLATE?!?!” or “I NEEEEEED IT” or “Imaginaaaaation.”

On second thought, none of those would a good bio make. Maybe you should have just stuck with your height, buddy. Now THERE’S something I can get behind (literally) (gross) (sorry).

The Ugly

Iiiiiiiit’s THREESOME SEASON!

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Lord Beyonce, save us all.

XOXO,
J

Moments: New Year, New Boys

It’s the first work day of 2015! Which is feeling a little bit like “WHY CRUEL WORLD WHY” and kinda like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIT SIX ESPRESSO SHOTS IN THAT CUP,” but also a little nice, because if the rest of 2016 looks anything like this past weekend then I’m about to need a liver transplant.

So, while I try to come up with a medical/religious excuse to never wear real pants to work ever, please enjoy the fruits of this weekend’s hungover Tinderfest!

New year new boys 1New year new boys 2

He hasn’t responded and I’m overwhelmingly sad about it. What’s wrong with my motto, B?!

So, who’s the new boy that I’ll ‘reign’ in 2016 with? Maybe this one?

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FYI, the tea joke was “How do Americans make tea? They throw it into the harbor!” HAHA ha h- not funny in the least.

Ehhh, probably not. I’m looking for a rasict.

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Ooooh, cheese. Now we’re talking. Let’s see here…

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If you don’t share my cheese philosophy, we will never be lovers. NEXT.

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So, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this profile format, but each one of his assertions is backed up by photographic evidence. I’m assuming his default mirror selfie (no face) is the “dream man” portion (already not going well). Then we have…

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His own lake!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

Builds computers for fun!

Builds computers for fun!

Cooks gourmet meals!

Cooks gourmet meals!

I would just like to say that I appreciate the effort he put into this, but THANK GOD he didn’t include photographic evidence that he can “slap your ass like a man who knows how.” I can rest a little bit easier at night having never seen this, thank you very much.

XOXO,
J

Merry Christmas!

HAY HO HO HOS!

Santa Claus is coming to town – and unless drinking wine on a daily basis is considered naughty, then I think we here at Tinder District are in the clear. However, if you’re on the naughty list, then you should a) write a guest post and tell us why, and b) appease the coal-fueled hole in your heart by perusing these recent Tinder gems:

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In case you were wondering, I didn’t respond.

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I never thought pizza would be so creepy. This was kind of an upsetting moment in my life.

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I love you.

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I love you, too.

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‘MUUUUUURICA, AM I RIGHT?!

Merry Christmas! Enjoy your time with family, and I’ll just be over here funneling eggnog and champagne to block out the sounds of my family members asking if I’m engaged yet!!

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XOXO,
J, L, and M

Moments: Knowing your audience

You could say that we here at Tinder District HQ are pretty accomplished mobile daters. We know the ins and outs of bios, photo analysis, and how to set up as many dates as possible without ever actually getting on the metro or paying for anything. We offer lessons for a fee. Please inquire within.

One of the most common pitfalls that we see in dating profiles is not understanding the audience. Men of Tinder (and Hinge… and Bumble… ugh) I do not care how much you squat. I do not care that you are ‘420 friendly.’ I DO NOT care that you are KCCO (STILL don’t know what this means. HELP PLEASE?!).

Thus, it is always a pleasant surprise when I find a guy who really knows how to play to his audience. Behold, this week’s winners:

Moments 1

This speaks to me on an entirely new spiritual level

How could I NOT love this person?! Also, he was super cute in his other pics and we’re going out next week (YEAH J, GO J)!! I hope he wears this shirt and brings me a matching one and we can wear them together and get married and serve pizza at the reception. #relationshipgoals

Moments 2

Guys, just LOOK at that brownie. That is a high-quality, triple chocolate Ghirardelli beauty if I’ve ever seen one. Why are you six miles away, brownie? So close, yet so far…

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Moments 5b

I’m. In. Love. With. You.

(JK not really, he’s not cute, but LOOK AT THAT UNICORN ONESIE. And the power pose. Please be my best friend.)

Moments 3

I think this guy is a wee bit angry that all the good ladies are now on Tinder, no longer checking his Craigslist “Missed Connections” posts. It’ll be ok, DC to LA to Question Marks! You’ll find the one!

Also, you’re lying to yourself if you don’t admit you read that bio in tune. Beautifully written.

Moments 4

Women love fluffy (and slightly terrifying!!!) animals! Women love CEOs! Women love diamonds! Hitting all the bases. Plus, he’s only two miles away, I could literally somersault over! (vom)

I hope you took notes, boys.

J: Hello, It’s Me

(Title is how I feel every time I step into La Tasca, or the Trader Joe’s wine aisle)

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Another Sunday, another nagging tequila hangover spent mindlessly swiping on Tinder in bed with the new J Biebs album on repeat (oh em gee, guys, SO GOOD). I treasure this valuable alone time with my potential future husbands, like this stud:

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He makes me happy. Checkmate, indeed.

And this not-so-stud who has evidently decided that we are soulmates by gracing me with his daily super-like:

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How charming!

But enough about them, let’s talk about me. I had a fun-filled week of 30 Rock, wine, three canceled Tinder dates (all the same guy… but I changed up my go-to cereal from Corn FLAKES to Peanut Butter Puffins so I’m fairly certain I’ve solved the issue at hand), and one really really good Tinder date! Like, 5-hour first date that feels like 30 minutes good. Happy J!

I also wanted to give a shout out to one of M’s matches, “Bunny Suit Guy,” who now knows about the blog and has dubbed me the “Queen of Tinder.” I immediately updated my resume and re-uploaded it to my company’s online talent portal (can’t wait to see what kind of engagements this new skill gets me staffed on). Hey, C! I’m still searching for you and your bunny suit, I promise!

I’ve got a full week of free dranks ahead of me, including margaritas on Wednesday (WHY TEQUILA WHY) and a Tuesday with this gentleman/my soulmate:

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Ring pops 4eva LONG LIVE THE 90s!

Idk whether I want them to be good dates because cuffing season, or bad because blog content, but hey – free booze, can’t lose.

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XOXO,
J

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