Context: I had been talking to “Coupon” on Tinder and via text for a little while, and when I blacked out on 4th of July I evidently scheduled a date with him. We decided to meet at Reston Town Center in mid-July.
The lead-up to a Tinder date is always at least a little bit stressful. No matter how much I claim to “not care” about someone, sometimes loudly declaring to my friends that I’m “only in it for the food,” it is human nature to want to make people like you. I got to RTC about 10 minutes early and texted Coupon to let him know I was by the fountain.
This was one of those moments where he was running late, and I was looking around like “Who’s my tinder date? Do you think it’s that old man? Do you think it’s that Asian woman? Do you think it’s that dog?” Finally, he texted me “I’m in the blue.” Spotted.
He was skinnier than I had imagined. Flag #1. And he was definitely not 6’1 as his profile had promised. Flag #2 (he was taller than my 5’10 stature, though, but maybe by just an inch). BUT, hallelujah, he didn’t have any speech impediments! This is always a serious concern of mine when I meet someone from Tinder because you never know what someone’s voice sounds like. Let’s just say some people need to find love online for a reason…
He didn’t go in for a hug, instead greeting me with “I left my wallet at home, so we have to go back and get it.” …ok? So, I had never met this guy, and I’m getting in his piece of shit car and driving TO HIS HOUSE. Cool. I rolled with it, and it was actually fine, although in retrospect I could have been killed. But he lives with his parents, so Flag #3. He got his wallet, and we headed back to RTC, where he parked next to me so it would be easier to walk me to my car later. HOW KIND.
I kind of wanted to go to World of Beer because I was jonesing for a giant pretzel and some Allagash White, but he beat me to the punch. “I have a coupon for Counter Burger, want to go there?” Scared that I would have to pay for my own meal if I chose somewhere else, I reluctantly agreed. I also like Counter Burger so it was fine. We sat down inside, and I was about to order a beer when he ordered himself a lemonade. Not wanting to be the only one drinking, I stuck with water. Ugh.
My favorite part about the Counter is that you can make your own burger on a little clipboard, but as I started to fill out my card, he stopped me and said “I don’t think that’s on the coupon.” ….sorry, what? According to the coupon, you got a meal “Buy One, Get One Free” if you both ordered off the standard menu. Well that’s just fucking dandy, because none of the burgers on the standard menu sounded good to me, but if you insist. He also had a coupon for a free appetizer, which he used to buy sweet potato fries. For himself. That he kept out of my reach. THERE WERE SO MANY DAMN FRIES.
Overall, the date was good – we had good conversation, we had a lot in common, we made out at the end, yadda yadda. But I just couldn’t get past the coupon thing. In fact, I still can’t get past the coupon thing. So dude, if you’re out there reading this, stop snapchatting me because I am not interested.