In case you haven’t noticed from my lack of date posts, I actually haven’t been on many… ok, any… dates lately.
This is NOT because I suddenly sprouted a third leg and am having trouble finding men willing to date me in this… state.
Nor is it because I have decided to settle down with that Mormon I went on two dates with (though I’m sure he would love that!).
No, readers. I’ve been put on a DATE BAN.
*Ominous thunder claps, evil cackling, Dracula scurries by*
Why? I’m so glad you asked! ‘Tis for the sake of love. Or potential love. Ok, it’s just for a guy who I was diggin’ based on looks alone. If you’re shallow and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*
Let’s back up, like, two months.
There I was, sprawled out on my yoga mat in a pose that some call ‘Savasana’ but I call ‘Naptime’ when I got a text from my good friend A.
A – Yo, J, my roommate’s boyfriend (M) wants to set you up with his friend, B.
J – What does he look like?
A – Idk. He says you need to bake him cookies before you get a picture.
J – I don’t do anything without pictures. Brb I’m doing yoga.
*takes another swig of wine, chases with chocolate covered pretzel*
This conversation largely slipped my mind for the next month, because pics or it didn’t happen, amirite? This was until one morning, as I was re-enacting Savasana in the comfort of my bed. My phone buzzed with a text from A:
A – J YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THIS FUCKBOY.
She then sent a picture of a pretty damn attractive guy, and I was immediately awake.
J – WHO DAT?!
A – This is B, the friend M was trying to set you up with last month! We went skiing yesterday and he’s SO cute and nice and you need to date him!
J – DOWN.
Despite the fact that it takes me upwards of forty-five minutes to even pry myself out of bed most weekend mornings, I was at A’s apartment within a matter of seconds. Lucky for me, M essentially lives there, so I was able to accost him immediately to give me B’s phone number.
J – Hi, M! Can I have B’s phone number pretty pretty please with a cherry on top??
M – I don’t know, J… I know how you are with guys, and I don’t want you to fuck with my friend…
J – No! I’m so nice! I would never use him for his wallet! We will fall in love and live happily ever after!
M – Bake me a pie.
J – Done.
What can I say? I love to bake! So, that Sunday, I fulfilled my promise and showed up at A’s apartment with a homemade brownie pie.
M – I can’t eat that. It’s beach season.
J – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! I BAKED YOU A PIE!!!!! EAT IT!!!!
M – I don’t know about that…
J – Ok. What the shit ever. I don’t care. The deal was that I would make you a pie, which I did, so can I have B’s phone number now, before I murder you?
M – I’m still not sure… you’ve been on a lot of dates…
J – *Sprouting fangs, sudden lust for blood*
M – Calm down, freakazoid. I’m going to put you on a date ban. If you can go a full week without going on any dates, THEN I’ll give you his number.
Ok, guys. I know this is a lot of effort for a guy I’ve never met, but by this point my competitive instincts had kicked in and I was DETERMINED to make this happen. So, I took a break from dates. And… it was actually really nice! Free from the burden of repetitive small talk and trying to look pretty while I eat, I found myself having deeper conversations with my friends and coworkers, and I had more time to focus on my existing relationships and creative pursuits. And by creative pursuits I mean adult coloring books. Hashtag TRENDY.
When I was finally granted this bro’s number, I… completely forgot about it for two days. Hey, work was busy, and there were so many more pictures to color! But, we DID end up setting up a date, which (per M’s instructions) I was a) not allowed to pay for, and b) not allowed to write about. YOU’RE STIFLING MY CREATIVE PROCESS, M. But, it was a good one!
Alas, he may only like me for my pie-baking abilities. It’s both a blessing and a curse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from Ina Garten, the secret to catching the man of my dreams is to send him boxes upon boxes of baked goods – so bring it on, B!
Anyway, I’m going on dates again now, so get. fucking. hype. Here’s hoping for some weirdos!!!