It’s Friday! Halle-fucking-lujah I thought this day would never come. I’m jetting off to Italy tomorrow and hopefully will marry an Italian man within the next 7 days and never return to the political shithole that is DC. Ah, to never match again with another 26-year-old Penn State grad whose idea of chivalry is not taking me to the same bar he brought his previous dating app conquest to? A girl can only dream.
Anyway, a man recently messaged me on the Tinder District Facebook page and told me that my posts were very “educational.” Um, no. Let me, the incredibly humble creative genius behind the ramblings on this page, be the first to say that NOTHING written here should be considered educational. If anything, you should do the exact opposite of everything posted here. Seriously. There’s a disclaimer somewhere on this site, I think, and if not then HERE YOU GO.
Brandon got me thinking, though – knowledge is cool, and our news media is pretty depressing in the era of Overlord Donald J. Cheeto. As such, I am introducing a new blog series: Fake News Friday. Here, you will find news stories from the week that are probably related to dating or general young adult debauchery. Yay, debauchery!
Thank you Brandon, for being approx 1% of the inspiration for this blog series. And also for your colorful messages that provide endless entertainment for my drunk ass.
1. Buzzfeed launched a Bachelor-esque dating show
If you’re anything like me, you’ve felt a void in your soul every Monday night for the past three months that not even a full bottle of wine can fill. Much as I may try. That void is the feeling that the Bachelor doesn’t return to our televisions until January, and as much as I don’t care about Arie what’s-his-nuts, I care deeply about watching televised emotional trauma on a weekly basis.
Buzzfeed has stepped in to fill that void. Wow, I really never thought I would say that.
Buzzfeed just launched a new web series called RelationShipped on Facebook Watch (wtf is Facebook Watch? Zuck, you need to chill). The first episode featured 5 hot guys vying to be the “dater” for the season, which gave me stress flashbacks to the beginning of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s Bachelorette season. The idea of having to see nicegirl Britt Nilsson every week for 3 months was legitimately terrifying #teamKaitlyn. Luckily the winner was sexy nutritionist Jason S. and I am VERY excited to see his abs on screen for however long this goes on for. Watch this with me so we can talk shit, please and thank you!
2. Taylor Swift dropped a new album
Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve heard all the drama with T’s new album – purging all of her social media, putting up snake videos, calling out literally everyone who’s done so much as sneeze in her direction in the pettiest way possible, so basically the things we all aspire to.
Last weekend, Taylor dropped the full new album, but didn’t put it on streaming services because she hates when other people are happy. Ugh. I shelled out $14 to get the album immediately because I have no chill, and IT. IS. FIRE. But Taylor, can you please explain why the track list is just my outgoing texts on any given night I’m drinking?
- I did something bad <- when I text every ex-boyfriend in my phone
- Don’t blame me <- when I homewreck a relationship for funsies
- Look what you made me do <- when I homewreck a relationship for revenge purposes
- Gorgeous <- me feelin’ myself
- Getaway car <- what I call the Uber I use to Irish exit the bar so I can get Thai food
- King of my heart <- texting my Uber eats driver who is delivering said Thai food
- This is why we can’t have nice things <- After I spill Thai food on my white shirt
- Call it what you want <- Responding to my roommates telling me I’m a mess
So, until I get a response regarding how Taylor has access to my text message history, I will solely be sending inflammatory messages. Like “Wow, Katy Perry is so hot rn!” and “I love Kanye like Kanye loves Kanye!” and “Girls with cats are l-a-m-e!!!”
jk love you Taylor please add me to your squad thanks!!
3. There’s a new dating app and it seems cool but no one’s gonna use it
When you have Google news alerts set for “dating” (what a life I lead), you see a lot of interesting things pop up – “Is Donald Trump dating Vladimir Putin?” (yes); “The Roy Moore argument – is it okay to date an underage girl if you’re a creepy old man?” (no); “New app makes guys put more effort into dating” (oh, do tell!).
Said dating app is called Luck and has a 3-step process that they believe will make guys WERK for their women:
- There are three swiping options – swipe right for something serious, swipe down for something casual, and swipe left for not interested. People will only match with others who are looking for the same thing they are. TBH this “something serious” option is a primo hiding spot for fuckboys, hope they don’t read this blog!
- They have disabled the copy and paste feature so you can’t just spam the world with “hey you up?” This disappoints me as I have a bank of openers in the notes on my phone (Are you useful in a crisis? What would you title your memoir? Are there any social norms or laws that baffle you?) and now I have to type them out, UGH life is so hard.
- They also take away certain letters from your keyboard so you have to come up with creative openers…? I can only see this devolving into twitter pre-280 characters or any AIM conversation where people just omit letters from things. No thanks.
I’m gonna download this because it’s my job but based on how lazy pretty much every man I know is, I think they’ll be sticking to Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. Next.
Alright, I’m fleeing the country in approx 24 hours and haven’t started packing at all so I’m going to go
scroll through Instagram and procrastinate longer pack. Have a great weekend betches!