Today’s Fake News Friday covers mentioning food in your dating app profile, Malia Obama’s new boyfriend, and South Korea’s pitiful marriage rate.
Hey hey! Happy Friday! Are you as full and bloated as I am? Good. Let’s all suffer together.
Hopefully you don’t have to go to work today so you can wallow in your food coma in silence and relax with your last Pumpkin Spice Latté of the season. Ya basic.
Wait, what’s that? It’s Black Friday and you’re going to spend your day throwing elbows at old ladies in Best Buy? Right. How American* of you.
*I’m Italian now. I drink red wine at 10 AM and scowl at strangers, so I’m Italian. That’s how it works.
Anyway, here’s all the news you missed this week while you were crying over everyone you love being convicted as a sex offender!!
1. New study shows mentioning food in your dating app profile makes you more attractive
According to a new study, mentioning food in your dating app profile makes you more likely to receive messages. K. This “study” found that mentioning guacamole got you a 144% increase in messages, which is pretty upsetting considering every guac-related bio I’ve seen says “Hey girl, I know guac is extra, but I’ll still get it for you 😉 “
Thanks John, I’m sure you were going to use that $1.95 to buy yourself something nice. Truth is I wouldn’t be caught dead on a first date at Chipotle because I graduated the 12th grade. Next.
The next most popular foods are Potatoes (oh, so this was a study of native Iowans), Chocolate, Salad and Sushi. Pizza ranks towards the bottom at a shallow 48% (I AM OUTRAGED) and apparently mentioning Sweet Potatoes will decrease your messages by 70%. In what context would you use “yam” in your Tinder bio? Please advise.
The final part of the study found that calling yourself a “foodie” got you an 82% increase in messages, and a 100% increase in me vomiting. Also, being a vegetarian in 2015 meant you would receive only half as many messages as meat-eaters, but in 2017 this playing field is equal. I mean sure, you might get dragged through the mud in the Washington Post, but at least Mike will still message you “Hey whats up”!!!!
2. Malia Obama is dating a fuckboy
Malia Obama, everyone’s favorite first daughter (bye Ivanka), has recently been cited as dating some dude named Rory Farquharson and all I have to say is GIRL RUN.
Apparently he’s the British son of an investment manager and went to a $47,000 a year private Rugby School in England. You know who else had all those qualities*? Jack #3. I rest my case. Rory was also a head boy, which I had no idea was a thing outside of Harry Potter. Did Rory Falalala go to Hogwarts? I demand an investigation.
*Except the British part, which probably made him more of a dick tbh.
If there’s anyone who could make a fuckboy regret every decision he’s ever made it’s Barack Obama’s daughter, so you do you Malia. Just remember – if it looks like a dick and smells like a dick, it’s probably a dick no matter how much money it has. Or something like that.
3. South Korean college students are being forced to take classes about love and dating
Apparently marriage rates in South Korea have been plummeting in recent years. Marriages in 2016 dipped to levels last seen in 1977 due to housing costs, tuition and unemployment rates. See mom? It’s not just me.
South Korea’s solution to this problem is to start offering “love and dating” courses to students at two Universities. These classes make them date three classmates for one month each while they study jealousy, conflict and other marriage things. Right.
This is a prime example of spending a whoooole lot of money to try to address something that’s not the actual problem. I’m no scholar, but right up there where I said “due to housing costs, tuition and unemployment rates”? Yep, sounds like that’s what they should be addressing, rather than spending $60 million on false solutions. But that’s none of my business.
Happy Black Friday babes! Here’s hoping you max out your credit cards like any good millennial.