Fake News Friday, J

Fake News Friday #3

Hey hey hey Happy Friday! The world is falling apart, every single one of my childhood dreams has been crushed Matt Lauer has been fired for sexual assault, and we’ll probably get nuked by North Korea next week because our Cheeto in Chief called Kim Jong Un short and fat. Yay.

But, cheer up friends! There’s going to be an American princess* and we might as well drink like we all die tomorrow because tbh we might.

*I love Meghan Markle and so happy to the royal couple but like tbh I’m unsure why everyone is making such a big deal about there being a black princess, don’t they know Beyonce and Serena Williams are already the black queens of America? smh

Let’s review what happened this week month in news that may not have made the front page but did make it into my Google alerts!

1. Michael B. Jordan is the most chivalrous gentleman but we’re still not engaged wtf

Michael B. Sexypants Jordan did an interview with Vogue in which he answered 73 questions on film. If you want to drool for 9 minutes you can watch the video here, but PSA I do not recommend this for anyone who has recently been through a breakup or is on their period or is in public. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you choose not to watch the above video because you’re certifiably insane, I will provide you with a highlight:
“Always pick up the tab [on a date], at least at first, and she never touches a doorknob.”

YASSS Michael B. Jordan. Yas. You tell all the fuckboys and people who post on the pickup artist forums I’ve been keeping tabs on since my media scandal. DON’T LET ME TOUCH A DOORKNOB OR A CHECK, FOOLS. Everyone should be more like Mike.

2. Apparently we’re entering peak online dating season, whatever that means

In “made up holidays that don’t matter” news, Sunday, January 7 has now been dubbed “Dating Sunday.” Um? Okay? According to Match, people are like “OMG yasssss 2018 will be my year! I will find love and lose 25 pounds and start a multi-million dollar media empire and volunteer with homeless kittens!” or something like that.

Yes, Match said those exact words. Pinky swear.

Anyway, the site expects to see a 42% increase in new singles on the platform at 8:55 PM on ‘Dating Sunday’, which is cool and all but I stand by the fact that the day I pay for a dating service is the day I move to Hawaii, adopt 11 dogs and become a pineapple farmer.

Anyway, GL to you brave souls out there trying to find a Valentine! I’ll just be over here receiving more unsolicited dick vids because humanity has so many problems.

3. My mortal enemy, The Washington Post, is like, really insightful

The Washington Post just ran an article with the clickbait-worthy title “One question you should never ask on a dating app” and even though they tried to ruin my life earlier this year, I still had to read it. The things I do for you, beautiful readers. Ready for the question?

“How are you still single?”

Well, fucking duh. No better way to make someone have an extreme existential crisis and mental breakdown than this! Reasons this question is officially the worst:

  • Assumes something is “wrong” with the person receiving it. Buddy, there are a lot of things wrong with me, but you don’t need to know about them until our, like, 3rd date. Until then, I’m a perfect lady who knows how to hold her liquor and bakes you cookies. Ya hear?!
  • Presumes the person doesn’t want to be single. Yeah, Kyle, I already know you’re trying to play the field from your bio that says “Should note that I’m not looking for feelings. Sooo if we matched it’s because I want to have fun and get naked with you.” Why do you think I want anything different? Rude AF.

  • Hits women harder than men. While y’all 33-year-old fuckboys out here (KYLE) getting praised by your buddies for how much puss you get, I’ve got guys sliding into my DMs asking if I’m worried about finding a husband. I turned 24 just three months ago. Lord help me. So while Kyle is out here spreading his emotionally unavailable seed far and wide, we have biological clocks and social pressures and all that jazz and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

4. Dating slang from 2017 you may have missed

Zoosk, which is apparently a dating service, released their list of 2017 dating slang and while some of it is shit we all know (I mean, the “slow fade” has been around for centuries) there are also a couple words that even I’ve never heard of. Let’s explore!

  • Draking (v): Drake managed to capture our hearts by being one of the most sensitive men alive, especially in his music. Because of this “draking” is used to describe moments where we feel just as emotional as he does.
    Ex: “I’m so into this guy, I don’t know what to do. I start draking every time he says my name.”

  • Stashing (v): Stashing refers to the act of dating someone seriously, only to have them hide and “stash” you away from everyone they know.
    Ex: David and I have been going out for two months, and he still won’t introduce me to his friends. I think he may be stashing me.”
  • Un-cuffing Season (n): Un-cuffing season is the time of year when people end their relationships to play the field, typically in the spring and summer months.
    Ex: “Spring break is coming up, looks like it’s time to uncuff myself from Jen.”
  • Gatsbying (v): Much like Jay Gatsby from the famous Fitzgerald novel, Gatsbying is when you post on social media with the end goal of getting one person’s attention or multiple people’s attention. You’re hoping to catch that certain someone’s eye while making yourself seem important, popular, and impressive.
    Ex: Kim, you’ve posted every second for the last 15 minutes.”
    “I know, but I’m trying to Gatsby Tom.”

For the full list, check out the article. Personally, I prefer to call things what they really are. For example, instead of telling Kim she’s ‘Gatsby-ing’ Tom, I’ll tell her she seems really fucking desperate and needs to calm tf down. But that’s just me!

Ok guys, I’m heading to the gym so I can justify drinking at least 2 bottles of champagne tonight. Happy New Years Eve! I hope you find someone to kiss at midnight and if you don’t, just remember that all men are garbage and you’re dodging a bullet anyway.


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