Hello beautiful humans! Welcome to Friday, thank the damn lord. With every passing week we get closer to being taken out by nuclear weapons, so cheers to being alive! *clinks entire bottle of wine against your appropriately-sized glass, chugs deeply to avoid crying*
So I have good news and bad news. Let’s do bad news first.
Yep, you heard that right, kids – we’re all getting nuked because our president has a small penis. Cool. Note to self: if we survive this term, we need validation from every presidential candidate’s ex-hookups that they will not compensate for dick size with nuclear weapons. Anyway, now for the good news!
Entertainment of the highest caliber! SEO boost for the term Fake News! This was just the presidential motion I wanted, Donny. Bring on allll the fake news. Myself and my friends will be shithouse wasted at a bar with the 95% of DC that hates you. Can’t wait!
Okay, I could post screenshots of Trump’s tweets all day, but let’s move onto the interesting shit, shall we?
1. There’s a bomb cyclone rn and it’s fucking up everyone’s social life
Jesus Christ, it is COLD AS HELL OUTSIDE. I literally didn’t leave my house yesterday because of the murderous wind banging trees against my window, and the fact that my Weather Channel app said it felt like -3 degrees out. NOPE.
Apparently this hell we’re living in is a result of something called a “Bomb Cyclone,” which is absolutely the name of a song off my high school classmate’s mixtape that he keeps Facebook messaging me about. The good news is that it’s supposed to be like 40 degrees by Wednesday, the BAD news is that the weekend is gonna be cold as hell. The way I see it, you have 3 choices: stay in and binge Netflix, go out and just blackout so you don’t remember the frostbite-inducing cold, or get to swiping on Tinder and make your hookup come to you. Just don’t come crying to me if you get murdered. I will never condone inviting a stranger to your home.
Ok, one more because I couldn’t resist. GLOBAL WARMING/CLIMATE CHANGE DOES NOT MEAN IT’S JUST GETTING WARMER ALL THE DAMN TIME, IT IS A FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE IN WEATHER PATTERNS OVER TIME. I need a drink.
2. Here are the dating trends coming your way in 2018
(Or maybe not, maybe nothing will change, I took this from a random article that I found on Google. Don’t @ me)
Remember last week when I went over the 2017 dating slang? Well I hope you already memorized it all because apparently there’s even more coming for 2018! I love that we can predict human behavior like this. It’s deeply, deeply unsettling.
Video dating – Ok, this absolutely makes sense and honestly would be a phenomenal way to pre-vet dates. I spend the lead-up to 100% of my dates concerned that they will have a severe speech impediment or be Beans from Even Stevens. However, Coffee Meets Bagel recently implemented this and so far all I’ve done is use it to troll people, so I’m interested to see how this goes.
Social media sites as dating apps – aka sliding into someone’s DMs on Instagram or Twitter. Um, this is not a new trend.
Desperate people have been doing it for years now. C’mon. (Lauv, please message me back??)
The article goes on to list the reasoning behind this trend: that social media sites give you a better insight than a dating profile into how a person lives, which absolutely makes sense, but can also be unhealthy. For example, yesterday I matched with a hot AF guy on Hinge. Here is a live stream of me stalking his Instagram profile:
Oh, this guy is cute! Look, he travels!
Oh my gosh, he has friends! I love guys with friends.
Brunch? I go to brunch! We’re so compatible.
Wow, this caption, so witty! We will be the funniest couple ever. We will be so loved for our wittiness by our newly combined friend group. Together, we will rule the world.
This is great if that all comes true, but the reality is that one of us will probably ghost on the other and then I will be crushed because I already pre-planned how he’s going to fit into my life. Oh my god I hate social media.
*Spends next 3 hours scrolling through Instagram*
Yep, hate it.
Group dating – No. This is the REAL fake news Friday. Tinder got rid of Tinder Social and, with it, my will to group date ever again. LONG LIVE TINDER SOCIAL!
An end to one night stands and hookups – HaahahahahHHAHAHAHA. As long as boys have dicks, they will want casual sex. The end.
No, Matt. I don’t want to make the fuck out. I do, however, want to correct your grammar. And slap you in the face.
3. A new dating app will match you based on your DNA, which is terrifying
Do you often think to yourself “you know, Tinder is pretty fun, but it would be even MORE fun if I sent them a sample of my spit that they could use”? If so, you’re in luck! And also please email me because I’m concerned about your mental health.
Pheramor is a new app that will use DNA compatibility as the basis for its matchmaking algorithm. Oh, is being a fuckboy in your DNA? If so, please don’t tell that to anyone, they really don’t need any more excuses than they’re already pulling out of their asses.
According to the article, “Pheramor requires all users to submit a cheek swab using a specially-created kit from which a team of in-house scientists can sequence the specific genes associated with attraction and identify which users might be sexually compatible… Pheramor uses both your biology and your social technology; we collect your genetic data through a q-tip-like cheek swab and acquire your like, dislikes, and interests from your social media profiles like Facebook, Twitter, etc.”
Ok, glad to hear they’ll still be pulling all of our Facebook likes so people will know that I liked the page “I WILL go out of my way to step on a particularly crunchy looking leaf” in 7th grade.
The app is doing a full launch in February, and costs $15.99/month in addition to the cost of the DNA kit, aka more than $0 which is how much I am willing to pay for a dating app. Hard pass.
…but if any of you try it please let me know how it goes!!!
Ok y’all, that’s all the time we have today! Make sure to come back Sunday for this week’s Sunday Scaries, and if you’re on the East Coast, please try not to lose your toes to frostbite!!