So, you’ve been chatting with Brett from Tinder for a week now, and it’s finally date night. You’re both excited and a little bit anxious, because this bro is like, SUPER hot. AND he went to Yale. AND he’s a volunteer who helps disabled kittens on the weekend! How do you compete with that when the closest thing you’ve done to charity in the past year was buying a pair of TOMS shoes?! Yikes. Well, better get started…

4:30 PM – Beg, plead, and grovel at the feet of your team to let you leave work early so that you can ‘beat traffic’ and make it home in time for your date.
4:31 – Coworkers point out that you Metro’d to work. You sigh and confess that you haven’t showered in two days. Coworkers finally realize what the smell in the conference room has been.
4:32 – Slink shamefully out of office, hygienic reputation ruined, and walk to the Metro. Several flowers wilt as you pass them.

dirty

5:00 – Arrive home. PUMP UP THE JAMS.
5:01 – Hop in shower.
5:01:30 – Toniiiiight, I’ll be your NAAAAUUUGHHTY GIIIIIIRLLLLLL…
5:04 – YEAH, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT…
5:09 – Exit shower. Attempt to dry hair like they do in salon. Get brush stuck in hair*. PANIC.
5:13 – Finally get brush unstuck. Pour a glass of wine to calm down. Drink count: 1.

hair

*Seriously, how do they do this?!?!

5:25 – Stand in front of closet exploding with clothing. Exasperated sigh. “I have, like, NOTHING to wear!!!” Kk.
5:30 – You are dressed. Examine self in mirror.
5:30:15 – This shirt makes me look fat. These pants make me look fat. My fat makes me look fat.
5:30:30 – Change.
5:32 – I SWEAR THESE PANTS FIT ME. THEY WILL FIT ME.
5:35 – You’re out of breath and have processed a stroke, but the pants are on. DAAAAMN, IS THAT MY ASS?! He’ll marry me for sure.

pants

5:38 – After a full three minutes of checking yourself out, it’s time for makeup. You steady yourself in front of the mirror and realize you have no idea what to do. How about one of those Youtube makeup tutorials? Yeah, that has to work!!
5:50 –
contour

5:50:05 – AAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHhhhhhhhh HELPPPPPP
5:50:10 – Pour glass of wine. Drink count: 2.
5:51 – Scrub face with makeup remover until raw. You know what, makeup is overrated. I’m beautiful just the way I am.
5:51:15 – Change song.
5:51:16 – SWEATPANTS, HAIR TIE, CHILLIN WITH NO MAKEUP ON, THAT’S WHEN YOU THE PRETTIEST…
5:54 – Top off glass of wine. Drink count: 2.5. Take seat on couch. Date countdown: 36 minutes. Perfect. I’ll just sit here, and relax, and everything will be great! I’m TOTALLY fine. Not nervous at all. Nope, nope, nope.

ready

5:56 – Cycle through all five Kubler-Ross stages of impending social engagement.
Denial: Ugh, I REALLY don’t want to go on this date. I’m  not going on this date. I’ll say something SO weird. Nobody loves me. Why would I even try?! Nope, not going, not a chance.
Anger: WHY would he have the AUDACITY to ASK ME OUT when he KNOWS that he’s NOT READY FOR LOVE?! I haven’t even MET him yet but I can TELL from his TONE that he’s JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKBOY. HOW CAN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS.
Bargaining: Ok, I’ll go for like, ONE drink. If I make it through one drink, then I never have to go on a date ever again. I’ll tell my mom that I tried but love just isn’t for me! Hopefully my brother can give her grandchildren.
Depression: IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN SOMEONE THINKING YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE AND WANTING TO GO OUT WITH YOU?!?! WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL!
Acceptance: I’ll just have another glass of wine so maybe alcohol will kill me even if my embarrassment fails to do so. Drink count: 3.5.

not ok

6:15 – Ok, if I leave now, I’ll be on time. So, five minute warning.
6:16 – Snapchat roommates, close friends, and the coworkers you bailed on earlier. Selfie. “Ready for my date!” Geofiltered, normal filtered, saved. Wow, you are a Snapchat Goddess.
6:20 – Time to leave! Goodbye apartment! Goodbye tv! Goodbye refrigerator! Goodbye cookies waiting for me on the kitchen counter! Can’t wait to stress eat y’all when I get home!
6:21 – Oh fuck, I forgot my keys & phone & wallet & left shoe.
6:24 – Wave goodbye to concierge. Tell them to call the police if they don’t see you by 10 PM. They ignore you because they’re watching ‘House of Cards.’ It’s gucci.

suffer

#wastehistime2016

6:35 – Arrive at your location, right on schedule. Oh god, is it that guy?! Ugh NO. CATFISH- oh, wait, that guy’s with his wife. We’re good. Is it that on-
Deep voice behind you: Hi, J?
Spin around. OH HEEEEEEY.
“Hey! Brett?”

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

hello

XOXO,
J