Ok kiddos. Here’s the sitch. I went on a bomb-ass date on Monday night with some guy from Bumble, involving margaritas at Mission, running around laughing in the
rain MONSOON, tequila shots (suggested by my date!! Will he marry me?!), and a make out sesh in front of the patrons of Circa/the passengers in my Uber Pool. Oooops.
And, I was fully intending for today’s post to be a recap of my first ever Bumble date – but I can’t write about it. There was something different, something that makes me not want to cancel our second date (something I’ve done to three separate guys in the past two weeks…), and I’m interested to see where this goes. SO. Let’s talk about ~*girl’z nite*~!!! (Ugh I hate myself)
Girl’s Night (n): An evening where female friends gather to share their recent trials, tribulations, and fuckboy situations over copious amounts of alcohol-, dairy-, and carbohydrate-based goodies. Frequency: at least once per week (such that the females may retain some semblance of sanity). NO BOYS ALLOWED, YA HEAR?!
It’s that last part that really gets the men rattled. All the Ne-MAN-derthals are over there, scratching their stomachs, mouths hanging open, going “what could they possibly be doing that we aren’t allowed to see?” And when these boys start wondering, things get a bit out of hand. Thus, I present to you a guide to Girl’s Night: Male Expectations v. Reality.
Male Expectation: Victoria’s Secret called, and it wants its inventory back! We’ve all heard that girls dress to impress each other, so these ladies must be pulling out all the stops – lacy nighties, matching bra and panty sets, that makeup that looks like you’re not wearing any, but actually took 45 minutes to make it look that way – exactly. And they’re probably wearing heels. Yep, DEFINITELY in heels. Mmm dat ass.
Reality: Whoever said women dress to impress each other, not men, has never actually met a female. When women get together in the comfort of someone’s home, we look like fucking sea creatures. We’re like, actively ripping holes in our own sweatpants, happily dumping wine over our heads and letting it drip down the front of our oversized t-shirts, and smearing chocolate all over our faces (antioxidants??). And don’t even get me started on our hair – immediately upon walking into the hallowed venue, it seizes up into Medusa-esque dreadlocks, ready to strangle any boy who may dare to interrupt us. Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
Male Expectation: “Hello, darlings, welcome to my humble abode! Here, I present to you this artistically arranged bowl of eight gourmet cheeses and three imported meats and eight toppings – well, accoutrements, because we’re fancy. There is also a selection of carbohydrates, but don’t eat those, just pretend to want to eat them. And here’s a drizzle of local honey, because it’s allergy season, and – oh! – the wine is almost done decanting, dearest, so please, help yourself.”
Reality: Four blocks of cheese (from Trader Joe’s, all less than $4) sit on the table. Nineteen bottles of wine (all from Trader Joe’s, less than $3) sit next to them. There’s probably sugar of some sort. And the females are ANIMALS. The following is an actual scene from my most recent girl’s night:
MC: RAAAAAHHHHHH *eats goat cheese with her bare hands* *shovels dessert out of its tupperware container* MC HUNGRY!! MC SMASH!!!!
J: *No words, just pouring wine from multiple bottles into mouth at once*
Lo: *Eating a block of cheese like a sandwich* MMMPHHMMMMPPHHH
We’re beauty and we’re grace.
Male Expectation: The females begin the night by braiding each others’ hair while giggling. They then transition into painting each others’ nails, still giggling. Then, as the clock strikes the witching hour, the women simultaneously remove all but their undergarments and begin a pillow fight, all while – you guessed it! – giggling.
J: HEY I BET I CAN JUMP FROM THE BED TO THAT COUCH WITHOUT TOUCHING THE GROUND!
L: Oh my god no you’re going to die what are you- NO J STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
J: *crashes into floor, spread eagle*
J: Hey L? Can you bring me some wine? I can’t move.
*Somewhere in the distance, my chiropractor rubs his hands together greedily*
Male Expectation: “Oh, my gosh! Johnny from Tinder is, like, so CUTE! I think he’s the one! Here, let’s read a Cosmo article about the 101 sexiest things a girl can do for a guy, so that we stay informed! It is important to stay up to date so that we can keep our men pleasured and happy! Ooh, and then I can tell you about the beer cheese dip I’m going to make Johnny for dinner tomorrow while he watches sports and I remain in the kitchen where I belong!”
Reality: “…omg, his dick was how small? HAHA. See how long you can get him to keep paying for your shit and pleasuring you without you touching his penis, then ghost. More wine?”
Don’t underestimate the power of a good girl’s night, boys. You ain’t seen nothing yet.