Hey dolls! How’s your dating life going? You finding that everyone in DC is the same? Well, I got news for you – it’s because they are.

I’ve been dating in the DC area since I was like, 13 years old. Things have changed over the past 10 years, sure – we’ve transitioned from grabbing frozen custard at the local custard shop* to grabbing craft beers at the local dive bar**, from shyly holding hands while watching a movie to hooking up under the guise of ‘watching Netflix.’ But the boys’ personalities? They don’t change. Thus, I present to you, the TD Guide to the 6 guys you’ll date in DC.

*May Nielsen’s Frozen Custard, my childhood Vienna haunt, rest in its tax-fraud induced peace
**Fuckin’ hipsters

bag-of-douche

1. The Capitol Hill Cutie

Typically categorized by a heavily-filtered picture of said gentleman in front of the White House or Capitol building, caption ‘Underwood 2016.’ This guy loves everything about politics – the press, the Capitol Hill bars, the access to galas at various embassies… you name it, he’ll fight your political views on it. Just don’t be surprised when he disappears on you for a few weeks at a time, only to come back with a wordy apology about how “things have just been SO busy, because Congress, and politics, and THE PRESIDENT, and…” Dude, you’re the office scheduler for a D-list member of the House, not John Kerry negotiating a fucking cease fire in Gaza. Calm down, collect your paltry paycheck, and sharpen your pencil – you have shoe shine appointments to schedule.

hipster

2. The Columbia Heights Hipster

You probably met this guy at Compass Coffee when you complimented him on how well his vintage flannel matched his nitro cold brew coffee. You then began a whirlwind romance of indie concerts at coffee shops, trips to the farmers market, and lazy Saturdays in his community garden. It’s nice at the beginning, until you realize that he lacks all ambition whatsoever and is probably also hooking up with that chick in his group house who always smells like incense and grows weed in her room. Whatever – you know you’ll be happier with someone who knows how to use a washing machine, anyway.

frat

3. The Georgetown Frat Star

Thought college ended once you graduated? Oh contraire, mon ami. The Georgetown Frat star never graduates – after all, why would he let the glory days pass him by?! Always spotted in a uniform of khaki shorts, sperries, and a polo shirt, this boy has a fridge full of Bud Light (and a Hinge bio boasting a love for craft beer – how novel!). He will mention that he went to Georgetown every chance he gets, and invite you to Georgetown to get a drink at Nick’s on the Georgetown waterfront, and then you can go out at Chinese Disco in – wait for it – Georgetown, because he’s frat bros with the bartender and can probably get a shot on the house. Not that he needs it, you know, with his big fat Georgetown salary. Best move here is to use him for his money and then escape down those exorcist stairs, leaving him with blue balls at his house in – you guessed it! – GEORGETOWN.

corporate

4. The Busy Young Professional

Armed with a business/engineering/other fancy shmancy degree from a nearby state school, this guy dove straight into the professional world – and into the DC dating pool. This guy’s salary makes him an ideal pick for a first date – that is, if you can ever find time to schedule one. Between his consulting schedule, investment banking hours, and kickball league, this guy’s booked up almost every night of the week. Your best bet? Meet him and his basic friends out at some fratty bar in Clarendon, hypnotize him by using a bunch of words like ‘synergy’ and ‘Wharton Business School,’ and ensnare him – or, at least, his wallet – in your clutches.

broke

5. The Broke Grad Student

This guy’s Tinder profile will make your heart beat right out of your chest. “Law School”? Yassssss. “Med School”? Baby, I got a boo boo and it needs a kiss. You schedule a date, and it’s only when he starts sweating as happy hour deals expire that you realize homeboy is chest-deep in student loans, and you might be left high and dry with the check. Yikes. Unless you’re looking for every date to be some version of ‘Netflix and Chill’ (using his roommate’s Netflix log-in, of course), you’re better off closing the books on this one. Unless you’re looking to play the long game… but ain’t nobody got time for that.

unemployed

6. The Local Lad

At first glance, the local seems great. “He probably knows a ton of fun things to do! He can show me the coolest picnic spots and restaurants and secret caves and places of urban lore!” Um, not so fast, sweetheart. As a Northern Virginia native myself, I can assure you that growing up in the area does not mean that one is familiar with DC, just as growing up in Orlando does not mean that you spent every day at Disney World, and growing up in London doesn’t mean that you went to Hogwarts (but how cool would that be?!?!). No, it only means that he knows the coolest places for high schoolers to smoke weed without getting caught. Awesome. Best case scenario: you can grocery shop in his parents’ pantry. Worst case scenario? …he still lives with his parents. Oof. Get out while you can.

drink

So there you have it! Every fuckboy you could dream of, dissected and deposited into six little categories. If that’s not marginalizing them within an inch of their life, then I don’t know what is!

XOXO,
J