Context: ‘Politics’ and I matched on Hinge, where his bio stated that he “needed a plus one for all of the Congress receptions” he was attending. UM, PICK ME. I responded eagerly, and the following correspondence let to him giving me his number:
Back story inspired by true events
Honestly, I thought this guy was going to be kind of a douchebag, mostly because his Hinge pictures included the following:
- A photo of him shirtless playing beer pong that had been put through one too many Instagram filters (#FRAT)
- A photo of him in front of the Capitol building that SCREAMED “campaign picture” and “I wanna be President when I grow up” (and had been put through even MORE Instagram filters)
- A photo of him and some buddies in matching “Blackout Brigade” muscle tanks, holding an American flag
As you can see, this assumption was warranted. But hey, he asked me to a gala at the Italian Embassy with the promise of an open bar and free food, and I was SO down.
The event was for hill staffers only, so he sent me an email with the credentials I would have to use to get in. I was adopting the identity of a girl that Politics works with (and hates), and he would provide me with business cards that I could use to get in. Like lol what how is this my life.
I was told that the Embassy was just north of Dupont Circle, so I hopped on the Metro and Google Maps-ed the walk from the Metro station. Well, as it turns out, “just north” actually means “1.5 MILES HAHA HOPE YOU’RE NOT WEARING HEELS SUCKAAAA” which they really should have put in the email. I was like NOPE and got off at Farragut West, called an Uber, and sought shelter in the nearest restaurant while I waited for my car to arrive.
The nearest restaurant happened to be a fro-yo shop, and the owner was very disgruntled by my assumption that I could just come inside and not buy anything. Our interaction went a little something like this:
Owner – Welcome to Fro-zen-yo, home of the fro yo! Help yourself, we have new flavors in this month!
J – I’m actually just waiting for my Uber, I hope that’s ok! He’ll be here in five minutes.
Owner – You… don’t… want… ICE CREAM? Are you a TERRORIST?
J – No, haha, it’s like 10 degrees outside and my Uber is now four minutes away, so…..
Owner – How DARE YOU just COME INTO MY SHOP and NOT BUY ICE CREAM!! I have half a mind to call the DESSERT POLICE, you HOODLUM!
J – I’m gonna go stand outside now.
Owner – NEVER RETURN, SCOUNDREL!
It was a good time.
My Uber arrived and my awesome driver, K, dropped me off outside the Embassy, where my date was already inside. I followed a group of people who looked like they knew what they were doing, and texted my date to come get me. He came out, we hugged, and he passed me the business card I would use as identification. I got my nametag, went through the metal detector (FUN!), and we headed straight to the bar to get wine. I was like a freaking kid in a candy store, because the most I ever spend on wine is like $4.99 (bless you, Trader Joe’s) and this shit was NICE. I somehow resisted the urge to grab an armful of bottles and run away, opting for a flute of champagne instead.
So, Politics is really cool. He’s not a douche at all, and took me around to introduce me to his friends (with our badass cover story that exactly 0 people believed). His friends, however, were… homogenous. I have literally never seen more basic white guys in one place. The guy to girl ratio was about 5:1, and everyone’s name was either Tim, Tom, Nate, Nick, Mike… you get the picture. Honestly, if I walked into a bar and this was the crowd, I would have a FIELD DAY. So, so, so attractive. But my date was pretty cute, too, so I resisted the urge to stray.
After mingle time, we settled up into some comfy chairs in the corner and talked for about an hour, getting up occasionally to refill our champagne. He was awesome! This never happens!! Yay!!!
A bunch of his coworkers decided to head to Front Page in Dupont, so we joined in and headed over. At Front Page, people kept buying me Coronas, and I kept drinking said Coronas, and before I knew it my date and I were making out on the dance floor because we’re college freshmen. We were getting a little tired and people were filtering out, so we headed back to his place. I SWEAR THIS DOESN’T ALWAYS HAPPEN, MOM. I WILL TRY TO MAKE BETTER LIFE DECISIONS. STARTING TOMORROW.
I recently bought a Jawbone fitness tracker using my company’s wellness money, and one of the most fun things to do is see how my heart rate changes with certain “activities.” So, all I would like to say about the night is encompassed in this graphic:
6:45 AM was fun.
ALSO fun was the commute from Northeast DC back to my apartment. To the people of the Red Line, the Orange Line, and Clarendon, THANK YOU for silently judging me as I made my way home in a tiny dress and smeared makeup on a 20 degree day. Always glad to provide entertainment.
Can’t wait for the next gala!