Do you smell that? That familiar, warming scent, reminiscent of fall? No, you basic betch, not the pumpkin spice latte you’re holding. Are you serious? It’s barely even September – ok, oh my god, FINE, drink it, just know that I’m judging you. We’re all judging you. With our judgy eyes.
Ehem. No, that’s the scent of cuffing season approaching. Yes, that time of year where everyone starts pairing off like fucking animals on Noah’s Ark and I’m still just over here drinking enough tequila to kill a moose.
Wait, the moose has a partner on the ark, too? I’m drinking alone? UGH NOOOOO.
Listen, homies. As someone who goes through boys faster than a 2nd-grade soccer team goes through Capri Suns, I must say that ‘Cuffing Season’ isn’t for everyone. For example, say you have a goal to date a Congressional staffer from every state – you can’t get cuffed. Goals come first, girl. Goals. Come. First.*
*JK, you come first. You always come first.
So, as you see your friends, coworkers, and tangential Instagram acquaintances ramping up the frequency of PDA photos that are just captioned “This Guy *heart-eyes emoji* #blessed #autumn #love #bae #mcm #potato #socks #LOOKHOWHAPPYIAMDAMMIT,” I have some favors to ask of you:
– DON’T: listen to ‘Marvin’s Room’ on repeat whilst devouring a pint of ice cream with a shovel and scrolling through your ex-lover’s Instagram feed, whispering to yourself “I’m just saying you could do better”
– DO: Go home with a hot-ass stranger and refuse to sleep over, no matter how much he begs. Thots don’t sleep over. Thots don’t catch feelings.
– DON’T: EVER cancel plans with your friends for a first date. If you’ve never met a guy, your interest level should be just above watching a re-run of Toddlers and Tiaras. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Tiger.
– DO: Make tacos and margaritas a weekly occurrence. This doesn’t have much to do with cuffing season, per se – it’s more of a personal life philosophy. Get after it.
Go get ‘em, killer. Dust off those dating apps and start swiping. Catch flights, not feelings. And never forget that men are wallets. Wallets with dicks. Life is good.