Hey guys! I’ve been on dating apps for like a year and a half now and where has that gotten me? Laying in bed spooning a bottle of wine with chocolate stains on my pillow.

chocolate

Fuck it.

To ease my pain, the following is a list of $ money $ dating app ideas I dreamed up while crying myself to sleep last night. Enjoy, bitches.

crying

  1. An app that shows the last five articles someone shared to Facebook.
  2. An app for people who are willing to trade sex for a Netflix login.
  3. An app that matches you based on your favorite Snapchat filter, and causes your phone to spontaneously combust if you choose the puppy filter you BASIC SLUT.
    hoes
  4. An app for hobos who just want love but wait is that spare change under your couch? You sure it’s just lint? Nah I’m gonna go check just in case… ah fuck yep just lint well this has been nice, bye, see you on the streets.
  5. An app for people who are willing to trade sex for Hot Pockets.
  6. An app for girls who JUST THIS ONE TIME want to be like YES, MOM, I MET A NICE GUY- No, he’s not just the guy who hands me my salad at the local Sweetgreen- yes, I AM getting my veggies, I’m not saying I don’t GO to Sweetgreen, I’m jus- oh no, mom, please stop crying…
  7. An app that is only pictures of Harambe and if you swipe left PETA comes and burns down your house.
    harambe
  8. An app for someone who will just bring me tacos and then leave.
  9. But not just like taco bell or some shit like that.
  10. Like, fancy tacos.
  11. Moving on.
  12. An app that finds people who order pumpkin spice lattes and then sends someone to break their nose at the earliest possible convenience.
  13. An app for lonely pumpkin spice lattes who are looking for something real and are sick of taking selfies and helping their girlfriend pick out Uggs. There’s no difference between camel and warm beige!! Just buy one! Why is it this hard?!
  14. An app that’s like Tinder, but for relationships
  15. Hahahahahahahaha lol @ 14
  16. JK pals
  17. That would be absurd
  18. An app for people who are willing to trade sex for awkward conversation and maybe a free drink but also enjoy the excitement of potentially getting murdered yippee*

tinder

I’m going to go back to my wine and sobbing now.

XOXO,
J

*Tinder. This is just Tinder.