Date Stories, J

J: Don’t wife me up!

Context: I had been talking to “Husband” on Hinge for about a week when we decided to meet up for a drink at Lyon Hall (again!) after work on a Tuesday.

Ugh. Amigos. I am a MESS. I completely forgot to bring EVERYTHING to work today (including mandatory articles of clothing that necessitated an early-morning shopping trip for undergarments), I’ve been falling asleep all day, and I actually think I saw Jesus during my workout this morning.


But, dates stop for no girl!* And, in my quest to forget about the artist formerly known as Mr. Chicago, they keep me distracted and liquored up. Don’t question my strategy, it works, damn it!

*No girl who wants free stuff

This is what led me to a date with 26-year-old Husband, who I hadn’t been talking to for very long, but who seemed very sweet over text. Although, he did have an alarming number of pictures with the same young boy, who I presumed was his nephew but very realistically could have been his son. Hey, as long as he doesn’t bring Sonny Boy along for drinks, I’m in the clear!funny-drunk-baby-meme-dumpaday-16

He was inside Lyon Hall when I got there, and when I saw him, I was like “Heeeeey there, tall, dark, and handsome.” Seriously, what a HUNK. The first thing he said (after we shared a mutual hug, YOU HEAR THAT MR. GUY-I-PUNCHED-IN-THE-SIDE?!?!) was “You look beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?” Well, don’t mind if I do! We each got an SJF, the best frickin drink on the planet (Moscow Mule with homemade ginger beer), and took seats at a little side bar away from the ratchet goings-on of the main bar (VERY strange crowd). We started chatting, and at first he was a little bit tight-lipped, but something about the alcohol and my bubbly personality loosened him up. I asked him about his time deployed in Afghanistan, he asked me about my favorite places in DC, things were going well! And he hadn’t mentioned anything about having a child!!


And, just when I thought my bad date streak had come to a close, I casually mentioned that my best friend A is getting married next summer (ew, wtf, I know. Commitment? She’s weird. I still love her dearly).

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE WORLD CHANGED. Lightning flashed, thunder crashed, a giant beanstalk grew from the ground, locusts swarmed the restaurant. A house fell on a witch! Animals could walk and talk and do the hula! (Sorry, am I getting my story lines mixed up?)

And, most noticeably, a gleam emerged in Hubby’s eye.


“Married, you say?!” he cackled, clearly hatching a plan. “You know, all of my siblings are married… my friends are getting married… everyone is having kids… I’m really searching for a good wife.”

I coughed into my drink and visibly recoiled. “Haha, that’s so funny!” I choked out, suddenly wishing I had about seven more drinks in me. “Did I mention I’m 22 and loOoOve Natty Light and Burnetts and also Satan and I’m actually the Devil incarnate? I hate children! I hate the institution of marriage! I’m a lesbian!”


I honestly thought he would drop to one knee and propose right then and there. Lucky for me, he snapped out of his lover’s trance just as I realized that it was 9 PM and I hadn’t eaten dinner. Sounds like a good reason to go home to me! He walked me to my apartment building, and I gave him a quick hug and a “don’t forget! I kick puppies for fun!” before running inside, sprinting up the stairs, and basking in my singledom in peace. If being single means I avoid marriage and kids for a while, then this might not actually be so bad.



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