J: Gettin’ Cheesy

Context: My friend Mel and I realized that we both matched with the same boy, ‘Geico,’ after she quoted his bio to me and I recognized it immediately. Mel had originally scheduled a date with Geico for a Thursday night, but a work happy hour led her to reschedule to the following Monday. I needed a date for Thursday, so I happily took her place! We met at Cheesetique in Ballston for a double date with my friends A and BP.

Sometimes I forget that not everyone thinks dating is as much of a joke as I do.

standards

Take, for instance, this past Tuesday night. I was at dinner with Mel when she realized she would have to reschedule her Thursday date with Geico – and, coincidentally, I had an open spot in a DC Restaurant Week reservation on Thursday night! Quelle surprise! Mel immediately sprung into action.
M: Hey, I think you matched with my friend J, lol.
Geico: Hahaha, that’s so funny! I hope that’s not too weird!
M: Nah, it’s funny! Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, I have to reschedule our date on Thursday for a work thing. But J is free if you want to go out with her!
G: …is that not super weird for you…?
M: Nah, this has happened before! In fact, it happens all the time! We’re like the same person anyway, so it doesn’t really matter!!
G: …ok? If you’re sure…?
M: DATE BOTH OF US OR FACE OUR WRATH.
G: Thursday it is then!

We’re really, really normal, I swear.

insane

I also had a work happy hour on Thursday evening, so I made our reservations for 8:30, and convinced myself that I’d only have a drink or two at happy hour. Didn’t want my date to think I was a lush! Didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my coworkers! So unlike me!!

…except two drinks turned into three… and then four… and then I was drunk, cutting it close to time, realizing I would be very late to my date if I left myself at the mercy of the metro. So, I did what any adult woman with a real job and her own apartment and such would do – I called my mom.
J: Hey mom!!! What are you doing right now?
M: About to go to the gym! What’s up?
J: Wanna pick me up at some bar and drive me to some restaurant for a first date with some dude?
M: Wait, what?
J: I’M DRUNK HERE’S THE ADDRESS SEE YOU IN TEN LOVE YOU BYEEEEEE!

mom

My mother, never one to let her spawn pass up on a chance at love, showed up as soon as possible, and I threw my drunk self into the car.
M: Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk befor-
J: DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!!

I plugged Cheesetique into the GPS, then kicked back and began a soliloquy of drunken rambling.
J: And THAT’S why I’m NEVER falling in love AGAIN!
M: Bold choice for you to have made in 8th grade… are you sure we’re going the right way?
J: I HATE ALL MEN!
M: Let’s not say anything rash…
J: 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!!!

knew it

I was shaken from my rant only by the realization that we were not actually en route to the correct restaurant – I had accidentally put the Shirlington location into the GPS. I would be 15 minutes late. Welp, why stop ‘Waste His Time 2016’ while I’m ahead?

Once I finally made it to the restaurant and located my date and friends, everything went… fine… because, while he was shorter than me and not that cute, he was nice enough AND we had BOATLOADS OF CHEESE. Omgsomuchcheese. I love cheese more than all the male Olympic swimmers in the world*. And tbh I was too blackout to really remember what we talked about. Oops?

*I mean, more than I LOVE all the male Olympic swimmers in the world. Not more than the swimmers love cheese. Even though that’s probably true too. I don’t know, I can’t speak for the swimmers. I’ve already forgotten why I felt the need to clarify this. 

YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME
YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME

When we finally emerged from the throes of our cheese and wine comas at 10:30 PM, my date proved himself to be the best person in the entire world by driving my drunk ass home. I thanked him by immediately deciding to not respond to his goodnight text and ghost on him forever. Or, at least until he and Mel decide to get married. Whatever comes first?

Moral of the story: I need more cheese in my life.

cheese

XOXO,
J

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