J, Messages

J: Gotta get some Head n’ Shoulders for these flakes

I don’t know what it is about this week that says “Hey, you know what would be funner than a barrel of monkeys?! If we made plans with J, got her all excited about them, let her get all dolled up, and then CANCELLED them at the last minute! Ha! Ha ha ha!”

Are the stars aligned out of my favor? Is Virgo sinking? Is Mercury in retrograde? What is retrograde? Is retro really coming back? If so, where did I put my bellbottoms? (these are the questions that keep me up at night).

Let’s back up to Monday. I had chatted with a guy on Coffee Meets Bagel (I’ve decided I hate this app, but that’s a different story) and we made plans to meet up for happy hour at La Tasca (YASSS BAE) on Monday night.

…OR so I thought. Because I’m sitting at work, doing my consulting thang, when I get this text:


“Just wanted to let you know”?!?! Yeah, you BETTER fucking let me know, buddy, before I’m sitting at La Tasca alone waiting for a date who’s never coming when I COULD be using that as valuable sangria and empanadas time. Also, just a thought, is this a good way to get free stuff? Pretend to be stood up, start fake crying, and maybe get a glass of the good stuff on the house? I may try this next week… updates to come.

Also, that’s fine if you need to cancel. I’ve been there. But, is it too hard for you to say “Sorry”?! Can you not provide a reason? I deserve better than this!


But, I figured he could have just been having an off or extraordinarily busy day, so I responded like the kind soul I am. Only to be rewarded for my patience with… radio silence. Well, fuck you too, sir. Phone number deleted, unmatched, bye forever.

So there I was, dateless on a Monday, back to the swiping game. Which was peppered by some laughs, a lot of full body cringes, and this lovely conversation that I had with my coworker A:


Update: I blocked him.

On Thursday, I matched with a very nice and very cute guy that I started talking to. We switched quickly to text, and made plans to meet for dinner the next night in Tenleytown (he’s an AU grad student). Our conversation started to get very interesting, very fast.


…of course it does. I’m a fucking Amazon. Don’t feel bad for short guys, that’s why there are plenty of lovely short girls. Also, you’re 6’2, don’t worry about it.


Starting to rethink this whole date situation…


Awesome! Friend-zoned before I’ve even met you!! But, he said he’d still pay, and I’m always down to make new friends, so not a big deal.

The next day at work, I get a text that he’s going to get off work late and is exhausted and is canceling. This is fine – now I don’t have to hike to fucking Tenleytown, and he a) said sorry (twice!) and b) gave a reason. Now is it really that hard, Mr. Coffee Meets Asshole?!

I was lazing on the couch watching Disney movies with M and L (sooooo much better than a date) when I get this:


UM. WHAT? Also, in case you were worried, I did not get the sexy selfie. Though I’m very curious whether it would have been him making a sexy face, or a dick pic, or a picture of a beautiful pizza. The sexiest.


Dude this is literally the exact opposite of what you said yesterday. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. My small female brain can’t handle all of this confusion.


Ok, ok.

  1. “I can’t”? Like, you can’t even? Are you a sorority girl? Or, you can’t finish your sentence? Clearly just ‘too busy.’
  2. Sir, you scheduled both of our dates. Presumably at times and places that worked for you. Then you canceled both of our dates, within 24 hours of making the plans. WHAT THE FUCK.

I’m so, so glad that I didn’t end up going out with him, not even because it would be a waste of my time (says the girl who watched four Disney movies on a Friday night, #teamnoshame), but because if I had actually liked him, his flakiness would KILL. ME. Like, rip right through my soul and into my heart. And I am very much not in an emotional position to deal with that, as I’m currently trying to sort out some mixed signals from another lovely and hella confusing gentleman.

But seriously, guys. Who leads with a sexy selfie?!



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