Context: Once upon a time I was able to go out every night, drink like a Saguaro cactus after a dry spell, and still make it to work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning.
Then, I turned 23.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
I now find myself in bed until at least 11 AM after any night where my lips so much as TOUCH* alcohol, which has allowed me quite a bit of time in bed with my thoughts. And with a cool washcloth draped over my face. And cuddling a bottle of aspirin. But, let’s focus on the thoughts, shall we?!
*12+ shots of
Nine fantasies I had during my day-long hangover
- One million miniature Liam Hemsworths form a line from my door to my bed to pass me tiny glasses of Powerade. The real Liam Hemsworth supervises from his spot in a rocking chair next to my bed as he strokes my hair and tells me I’m better than Miley.
- I lay on my stomach as a family of angels tap dances on my back, wearing ballet flats made of sunshine.
- I walk into a bakery and order the last Dominique Ansel Cronut. My high school dance coach (aka lifelong nemesis) walks in behind me and asks if there are any left. I smile sweetly and say “there were, but now there are not” as I eat the Cronut in one bite in front of her.
- Beans pays me back for tacos.
- I am a puppy. Everyone pets me and tells me I’m beautiful because I am a puppy. I have no responsibilities because I am a puppy. I can go to the bathroom wherever I want… because I am a puppy.
- I bring a cake to a potluck and the world stops. The people move in slow motion. All anyone can focus on is the cake. As slices disappear, I am showered with marriage proposals, gifts, and vows of eternal loyalty. Betty, who brought the other cake (and has always been a bit of a bitch), sobs in a corner. I don’t care. I have won.
- I order a delivery pizza. The pizza man arrives, and I whisper sweet nothings to my pineapple-pan-crust-with-extra-sauce dinner. The pizza man mistakenly thinks that I am talking to him, and rips off his disguise to reveal that he is actually Ryan Gosling. We elope, and eat pizza (and cheese in other forms) together for all eternity.
- I am Beyonce.
- I am wearing a Camelbak and hiking a mountain. However, instead of water, my Camelbak is filled with sweet white wine. Also, instead of a mountain, it is a fluffy cloud. In the distance, Emotions by Destiny’s Child plays on repeat.
The saddest part of this whole thing is that the least likely is my dream that Beans will one day repay me.