Happy Thanksgiving, readers! I hope your day looks a little bit EXACTLY like this:

mashed

My family “decided not to do” Thanksgiving this year (can someone please confirm this is not an acceptable decision, because we are AMERICANS, damn it) so I am being adopted by my loving best friend H. I’m bringing candy cane-oreo brownies, though, so I think we know who the REAL winners are here.

nickel

Unparalleled excitement

So, in honor of this day spent exploring your shortcomings (yes, grandma, I DON’T have a boyfriend. That doesn’t mean I’m not getting any, though! Hah! …Grandma? You ok?) I thought I would take a little stroll down memory lane of my own.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I haven’t always been the dating expert that I claim to be today. However, I SLAYED on very rare occasion in high school. A friend’s recent backstalking-expedition uncovered the following gems from the period in which I woo-ed my 12th-grade lover, G. I present to you:

16-year-old J’s Guide To Love

1. When you meet a girl, tell her you were “surprised” how tall/short/sparkly (?) she was! She will appreciate it every time.

tall surprise

I’m as surprise as you are, G.

2. Girls love to think that they’re in competition with other women. Therefore, when they’re trying to make plans, it’s best to act like you can’t make it because you’ll be with your other girlfriend.

breakup plan

“Maybe Thursday.” Winner of the year, guys.

3. After the first date is the PERFECT TIME to say “I Love You”! Girls will find it flattering and not at all creepy!

i love you

A couple notes here because I understand this message is really weird:

  1. I was bitten ON THE FACE by the dog I was dogsitting immediately before my first date with G. I was sitting in Chipotle with blood seeping through my bandages. It was a good look.
  2. G only brought a $100 bill with him to Chipotle, and the cashiers wouldn’t take it, so I ended up paying for our date. I know, this goes against ALL of my principles, but I really liked this guy (and I LOVE Chipotbae). He did pay for Chipotle + gelato on our next date, so all is well.
  3. My high school hobbies included posting videos of myself rambling about  absolutely nothing on guys’ Facebook walls. Unfortunately this trend has gone the way of the dinosaurs, because it was highly effective.

4. Play hard to get. Especially on Valentine’s day. There’s no better way to make someone think you’re mysterious than pretending to have other plans!

vday

“I GUESS we can do something” KILL EM, Little J

Once you’ve used these helpful tactics to secure yourself a mate, there will come a day when you’re no longer interested. However, losing this guy is going to be a different story – after all, you’re perfect (aww, you’re welcome) and this guy has nowhere to go but down! So be prepared to either a) change your phone number, join the witness protection program, and move to the Czech Republic, or b) face this barrage of texts for years to come:

hi hi hi

Next time you’re feeling desperate, just be glad you’re not THIS desperate. Hope you’re doing well, M!

feel-too-much

XOXO,
J