Context: I’m currently depriving myself of true happiness by trying to not set fire to everything a fuckboy loves because he disappeared off the face of the Earth after four dates and two instances of making me waste condoms on his teeny tiny micropeen. Let’s explore some life lessons taught by the greatest lyricist of our time (Ke$ha, duh) to take our collective mind off things, shall we?

My one true idol, Ke$ha, just released a new song and I literally haven’t been this excited since someone told me cupcakes were just gay muffins*. In her honor, let’s dive into some of her most poignant lyrics of all time – because it goes far beyond just brushing your teeth with a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

*IS THIS NOT THE MOST ASTUTE OBSERVATION YOUR EYES HAVE EVER READ?!

Alternative title that’s bad for Search Engine Optimization: Life Lessons I’ve Learned from Ke$ha Songs That Have Strongly Influenced the Choices I  Have Made

Lyric: “Oh, sometimes I pray for you at night. Oh, someday maybe you’ll see the light… When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name” – Praying

Meaning: The best way to get revenge at someone is to tell them you feel sorry for them, and then – once out of earshot – plot how you will absolutely ruin their life. Also – who does a girl have to blow around here to get this Pegasus costume because it IS my Halloween costume.

Lyric: “Baby when we’re touching in the dark, can you feel it?” – Supernatural

Meaning: Never assume that your romantic partners lack nerve damage. Always be sure to ask, just in case! They will appreciate your courtesy!

Lyric: “I wake up in the front yard, we don’t care. Wine stain on the sofa, we don’t care. I threw up in the closet, but I don’t care!” – Party at a Rich Dude’s House

Meaning: Blacking out is fun! Property is replaceable! Especially if it’s not your own – we can let someone else deal with that!

Lyric: One day you asked if we can just talk and that’s the reason why I’m walkin’… I just can’t date a dude with a vag” – Grow a Pear

Meaning: For men, catching feelings is as serious and reviled a crime as being less than six feet tall. No matter how attracted I am to a man, the second he catches so much as one feeling, he is immediately kicked to the curb like the weak rubbish that he is. This is the reason there is such an unwieldy fuckboy epidemic, and also the reason that I will never find love and hate myself and my choices literally constantly.

Lyric: “Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at” – Blah Blah Blah

Meaning: See above.

Lyric: “Ke$ha don’t give two fucks.” – Crazy Kids

Meaning: The best way to show how chill you are is to audibly quantify how few fucks you give. Remember, kids, two fucks is less of a fuck than one. Or something like that? Whatevs, Ke$ha said it and thus it is so. Also, all the chillest betches refer to themselves in the third person. It further distances you from emotion of any kind, because emotion is notoriously non-chill.

Lyric: “Boots and boys, they bring me so much joy. I wear ‘em both so pretty when I walk in the city.” – Boots and Boys

Meanings: Boys are simply accessories and exactly nothing more. Tbh they are probably less important than boots, except that I have to spend money on boots while boys spend money on me. Unless I can get a guy to buy me boots? Okay, getting off topic, but essentially you should never have more emotions about a boy than you have about a boot. END OF STORY.

Lyric: “Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe just need some sleep.” – Your Love is My Drug

Meaning: Aside from the horribly misleading song title (what even is this ‘Love’ you speak of?), this is a struggle faced at least weekly by the average betch. Is my premature alcoholism an indicator that I need to go sort some shit out in rehab? Or is it a result of my thriving work/social/gym life that leaves little time for sleep, as a result making me more stressed hence driving me deeper into the bottle in some kind of taxing but honestly wicked fun cycle that concerns those who care about me? Find the answer to that question, amigos, and you find the meaning of life.

Lyric: “I watched your ugly girlfriend sneer across the room, as if I really care that she’s here with you” – Stephen

Meaning: Just because there’s a goalie, doesn’t mean you can’t score! Especially if it’s an ugly goalie. That just means their ball control is worse.

Wait, what? Moving on.

Lyric: “Steve, don’t you think I’m pretty? Do you not love me? Is that why you won’t call me?” – Stephen (again)

Meaning: Oh, are we having a standoff? Is that what this is? A game of who can not-contact the other person longer? …well guess what you win again dude I fucking love you.

Lyric: “Stephen, I’ll knit you a sweater. I want to wrap you up in my love forever” – Stephen (again) (again)

Meaning: The best way to tell a guy you love him is to head to your nearest Michael’s arts and crafts store and create something to metaphorically show your affection. Men love this! Better than any tip you’ll read in Cosmo!

Moral of the story: Life would be much better if we all wore more glitter and gave fewer fucks.

XOXO,
J

J was late to work because she was so caught up writing this post that she forgot what time is. Donate here in case she loses her job! DC rent isn’t cheap!