Date Stories, J

J: You look like my ex

Context: I matched with Med Student on Bumble a couple months ago, after noticing that he looked exactly like Michelin Man. Wow, #tbt. This was confirmed via screenshot with Michelin himself, lest you think I’m full of fake news. I messaged him and was ignored (classic Bumble), but subsequently matched with him on Tinder. From there, it was game on.

There’s some research out there that says remaining friends with your ex(es) proves that you are a legitimate psychopath. Well, someone ship me off to the nearest loony bin, because I am perpetrator numero uno.

Do I sometimes backslide and end up hurt emotionally? You bet. Would it be better for me to not be friends with them? Arguably yes. Do my friends often tell me to stop talking to them? Literally always. But, here’s my perspective – we got along well enough to date for an extended period of time, in some cases to say that we love one another – so unless they’ve done something heinous like sell my dog* or ruin my reputation so badly that I need to move, why cut them out of my life?

Side note: My future therapist is going to read this post in a few years and be like “Ah, no wonder she’s so fucked up.”

*Damn, I wish I had a dog to be sold.

So, when I came across a strapping young lad on Bumble who bore a striking resemblance to Michelin Man, I was so excited. I took a screenshot, sent it to Michelin, and then swiped right. And we matched! I messaged him, excited.

…and waited…

…and then the 24 hour expiration period passed without a response. Darn you, Bumble.

I had just about moved on with my life when I came across the same gentleman on Tinder, swiped right, and we matched once again. My second chance! God must be smiling down upon our fated relationship. I messaged him again on September 17, 2017.

When I still had no response a month later, I took matters into my own hands. His response came immediately. I was in.

So, yeah. This happened. We continued to message over the next two weeks, but every time I brought up getting a drink or actually meeting up, he was quick to shut me down.

Fast forward to Thursday night. After a work happy hour at Ser I met up with my friend S, where we watched Family Feud with her roommates, split a bottle of wine, and didn’t eat. Healthy. We then headed out to Local 16 to meet up with our friend, had 2 more drinks each, and then they headed home while I tried to figure out where my friends were who I was supposed to go out with.

After determining that they were all asleep, I started to head home, but stopped dead in my tracks. I wasn’t ready to go home! I wanted to be a hoe! So, I messaged Med Student.
J – What are you doing? Can I come over?
M – Just studying, yeah that would be great!
J – Cool what’s your address?
M – Actually, one of my roommates is in love with me, and she’s in the living room… I don’t want you to walk in past her… come over after she goes to bed.
J – Wtf a) why does this matter b) you just come here then.
M – No, I’m not wearing a shirt, I can’t get in an Uber.
J – Put a shirt on then?
M – No let me go downstairs and convince them to go to bed.

A full hour passed before I got the go-ahead to come over. He’s lucky I’m unhealthily addicted to approx 7 shows on Hulu at the moment. I showed up, he grabbed us each a beer, and we headed upstairs to chat.

My first impression was that he WAS super hot, but looked less like Michelin than his pictures had led me to believe. My second impression was that he was fairly negative and had a pretty dark sense of humor. After about an hour of chatting, we started making out and, long short story short, he finished in about 38 seconds. It’s ok, I can’t sleep soundly until a fuckboy has completely disappointed me. I started to tuck myself in when Med Student intervened.
M – What are you doing?
J – Going to bed it’s like 4 AM good night!
M – Um, you’re not staying over
J – Well, I’m not a hooker, so I am. Night!
M – Please?
J – Ugh. Haven’t you ever seen Pillow Talking?

After Med Student confirmed that he had not, in fact, seen Lil’ Dicky’s 8 minute epic tale of a one night stand gone awry, I forced him to watch it. Aliens, dinosaurs and all. He loved it.
M – What the actual fuck did you just make me watch?
J – What were your key takeaways from the film??
M – …that you want a tshirt?
J – Come on we don’t have to cuddle or anything.
M – Fine. But I have to wake up at 6:30 AM.
J – Perfect! Same! Night!!!

That 6:30 alarm rang all too soon, my 2.5 hours of sleep boding poorly for the long day and night of Halloweekend I had ahead of me. We both got dressed in the dark, neither of us saying a word, until I broke the silence.
J – Hey, I can’t find one of my socks. Can you turn the light on?
M – FINE.
J – What’s wrong with you? Why are you being so rude? You haven’t even said good morning!
M – I didn’t want you to sleep over, you know that.
J – Yeah, but like what’s actually going on?
M – It’s just that… I have a girlfriend, and it’s long distance… but I’m a sex addict, so I need to use Tinder to find hookups. But I never let them sleep over.
J – OH. WELL. In that case, I’m calling an Uber.

My Uber was 3 minutes away, so I tried to lighten the mood in the room with a joke.
J – Hey, 3 minutes! We still have time to have sex, by your standards.

He didn’t think the joke was very funny.

I arrived back home after having been thoroughly judged by my driver and pool co-rider and hopped back into bed until it was time to work. When I woke up, I had a message from Med Student on Tinder (TG he never got my phone number).

You know it’s a successful day when you cause someone to regret every single one of their actions and delete Tinder before 9:30 AM!

I texted a friend/former hookup who had been in a similar schooling situation and subsequently dropped out to catch him up on the situation.

And show me his Yoda drawings, he did.

Men are so incredibly stupid. @Med Student’s gf, I would run as fast as you can if I were you.

XOXO,
J

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