Happy New Year, y’all. Did you make lofty #NewYearNewMe resolutions? To go gluten free? To say a big “FUCK YOU” to cursing? To (God save us all) drink less?
Well, newsflash – no one likes your skinny, sober, goody-goody ass, so you should probably just give up now if you haven’t already.
I celebrated the dissolution of the dumpster fire that was 2016 in the following fashion:
8:00 AM – Wake up in my ex-boyfriend, C’s, bed. His female best friend M is next to me. He is not there. Fall back asleep.
9:00 AM – Wake up again. He appears and questions why I’m there. I ignore him and focus my attention on my knees, because they hurt like a motherfucker. Memories of the night before come rushing back.
– I drank very many things, most of which involved tequila, none of which I paid for
– I ate pepperoni pizza, which I also did not pay for (I’m vegan, I swear)
– I made out with a guy, whose name I do not know
– I tried to walk a block and got very lost. I fell at least 5 times. My shoes, leggings, and knees were henceforth ruined
– I called and then cancelled 2 Ubers
Very good, J. Very. Good.
9:05 AM – M wakes up and rolls over.
M – I think I was in a bush last night.
J – I know I was on the ground last night.
M – Yeah, multiple times.
J – Nice.
C – Can I please use my bed?!?!
9:10 AM – Cuddle time.
10:00 AM – We finally emerge from the bedroom and I get ready to head home. C’s roommate offers me Advil. I take 4.
11:00 AM – I bake cupcakes.
12:00 PM – I bring said cupcakes to the Blaguard where I meet up with my friends KC and RB. I immediately notice that the bartender is sexy as hell.
J – The bartender is sexy as hell.
KC – He’s gay.
J – FUCK.
12:03 PM – I order a round of tequila shots and a beer.
12:15 PM – Beer #2.
12:30 PM – Beer #3.
1:30 PM – Sports games (SPORTS!) are over. We leave the bar, swing by the liquor store to grab some champagne, and head back over to C’s place for a “pregame.”
2:00 PM – I’m drunk.
2:01 PM – I continue drinking anyway.
5:00 PM – We leave to head back to my place to get ready to go out. I’m DRUNK.
6:00 PM – People arrive at my place. I quickly come to the terrifying realization that I am the only person in our party who’s not in a relationship*. I quickly shotgun a Bud Light to calm my nerves.
6:01 PM – My roommate orders pizza for everyone. Estimated delivery time: 7 PM. Everyone is waiting with baited stomach; myself in particular, as all I’ve eaten this day is a cupcake.
6:02 PM – Omg I wish I had more cupcakes.
7:15 PM – No pizza. According to Domino’s, our driver has gone missing. I would pray for his safe return, but I’m too DAMN HUNGRY.
7:45 PM – We call Ubers to Orange Anchor for our open bar. At this point, things begin to get fuzzy.
8:00 PM – 11:00 PM – I take many pictures and even more Jell-O shots. I spot a man across the bar, approach him to tell him he’s hot, and am immediately berated by his girlfriend. I take a tequila shot with a group of strange men and immediately run away. I lose my friends. I drunk text people I shouldn’t.
12:00 AM – Without a pre-determined New Year’s kiss, my fight or flight response kicks in. I grab the closest guy – a hard 7 – and try to make out with him. He pushes me away** and tells me has a girlfriend. WELL, FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND! WHY AIN’T THAT BITCH HERE?!
12:02 AM – I call an Uber home. Fuck all these people.
12:04 AM – I walk to K street and get in a cab. Fuck my Uber driver.
12:30 AM – I arrive home and find myself in the middle of a potluck my roommate is hosting. Everyone is sober. I am, in a word, not.
Roomie – You’re home early!
J – Go to hell.
12:32 – I fall asleep fully clothed, contacts in, makeup on, teeth unbrushed. Is this why I’m single?
*RIP my relationship with Michelin Man: you were great while you lasted, and then you were the absolute fucking worst.
** I swear to God if you have set the tone for my whole 2017 love life I will find you and I will end you.
The worst part of the whole night was that, in setting up for her potluck, my roommate decided the best way to clean the kitchen would be to remove everything from all surfaces. Where’s the coffee maker, homegirl? Where’s my phone charger? WHERE IS MY DIGNITY?!
So anyway, my only resolutions for 2017 are to go on more first dates than I did last year (total count: 44) and to have as much fun as possible. I’ve been on two dates thus far, and I’m currently on an airplane to the Florida Keys, so I’d say my goals are going pretty well.
My knees, however, are not doing as well. Bandaid-shaped tan lines are all the rage this season, right? RIGHT?!