Context: While swiping through Tinder one Sunday post-boozy brunch, I stumbled upon a profile that was both concerning and filled with potential for hilarity. Never one to miss out on such an opportunity, I swiped right and found myself engaged in a conversation with ‘McDreamy.’
People use Tinder for all sorts of reasons.
Perhaps they are girls who, despite having good jobs and strong educational backgrounds, still want a majority of their meals and drinks paid for. *Raises hand high*
Perhaps they are gentlemen who are interested in hooking up with a hot girl who they would be too nervous to be so blunt to in person, but behind the screen of their iPhone, they are invincible.
PERHAPS they are the poor souls out there who are truly looking for romance, but are simply too petrified to approach someone in person at all those typically romantic places, like a grocery store, or a bar, or an Atlantic City strip club parking lot.
Wait, what? Ignore that last part.
And then. Then, there are the people like ‘McDreamy,’ who are using Tinder as an escape from their… unusual… marriage situations. Allow me to show you his profile, which I was surprised to come across during a lazy bout of swiping as I lay, immobilized by 14 glasses of champagne and two slices of Caprese Avocado Toast, on my friend M’s couch one Sunday.
Oh? McDreamy/Derek Shepherd/Patrick Dempsey, is that really you just 2 miles away from me? Are you going by Zack now? Can I call you ‘Zacky Poo?’ So many questions, so few answers… until I swiped to his second photo…
AND his bio…
OH. Okay, sir. Clearly, if he was putting his situation out on Tinder, he was unstable – and as such a key candidate for having his life ruined. So, I did as any sane person would and messaged him eagerly.
As my friends and I guffawed over what a chump this guy would have to be to respond to me, within seconds a response popped up on my screen.
So, after this exchange, I received a snapchat of a man in scrubs, glasses, and a surgical mask, seatbelted into his car, presumably driving. K, M, and I were positively DYING of laughter when my phone began to ring. I answered, and he launched into the back story of his Tinder conquest.
McDreamy – So, my wife and I are both Persian, and our marriage was arranged. I like her for the most part, but… she hates intimacy.
J – So you want to have an affair because your wife won’t have sex with you?
M – Yes. I have offered counseling and divorce, but they are very taboo in our culture and we-
J – Have you like, ever had sex with her?
M – Well, yes, but it is usually when she feels guilty about something, and then she is totally not into it, so-
J – Oh dude, got it, been there.
M – How could any man not be fully enamored with your intimacy?!
J – What? Oh, no lol like I wasn’t into it. Happens.
This was going nowhere fast. I needed to turn it around. Luckily, he did that work for me.
M – So the fact that I’m married doesn’t bother you at all?
J – Not really nope not at all.
M – Good – I think it’s really sexy and fun to sneak around*. Maybe I can even sneak you into one of the on-call rooms in the hospital.
At this, K started DYING laughing as I quickly put my phone on mute (you KNOW it has been on speaker this whole time).
*BAD. BAD. THIS IS NOT OK. BAD!
J – Wow, that’s always been on my bucket list. That’s so hot. Sadly, I’ll be in Chicago for the next week, but when I get back that needs to happen* for sure…
*Don’t worry guys, NEVER in a MILLION YEARS would I meet up with this man. But will I lure him somewhere and stand him up? Yes.
M – Oh no, ok… well, I guess in the mean time we can talk on Snapchat – I can’t really text or have too many phone calls, because those are traceable.
OKAY. I realize that at this point you might be like, DAYUM J, you are a REALLY awful person! To which I say – you’re not wrong, but also that I have been cheated on and it’s the worst thing EVER and that this guy is not undeserving of having his emotions toyed with. Plus, #ruinhislife2017 is in full effect, after all. Thot gotta do what a thot gotta do!
After hanging up, he began responding to my Snapchat story.
M – You are so gorgeous.
M – What else is on your bucket list?
J – Australia.
J – Hot air balloon ride.
J – Safari.
J – Which of these can you make happen?
M – All of them.
SIGH. What a shame that I would never actually meet this potential sugar daddy. Especially because I’m broke AF. But, what I lack in fiscal responsibility, I make up for in pizzazz. I think I just wrote my own gravestone.
But that was not the end – two days later, a Snapchat Chat appeared.
(Picture taken by K because I obviously could not have him knowing I’m screenshotting his snaps. I’m smart, y’all)
Le sigh. Let this be a lesson to you, males of the world who are considering infidelity – you will get caught/trolled/ripped to shreds. Girl code is real.
Although, Australia would be nice…