Context: I don’t always get the pleasure of having in-depth, ideological conversations with my dates, especially not before I meet them. I was thus pleasantly surprised when I engaged a man with an opposite opinion as mine… until he kept talking. Read on to realize how ignorant and privilege-blind humanity can be!

You know those times when life is going great, and everything is wondrous, and then someone does or says something that makes you want to walk into oncoming traffic?

The conversation below was one of those times.

I had matched with Jack on Coffee Meets Bagel, we had exchanged brief pleasantries, and then did not speak again until we both got that ominous message from everyone’s least favorite dating app.
CMB – This line will expire tomorrow. If you want to continue talking, send a message!

I didn’t particularly care about continuing to talk to Jack, and I also ignore literally all CMB notifications I receive, so I did nothing. Jack, however, reached out.
Jack – Want to get margaritas soon?
J – Sure!

So, I sent him my phone number – because anyone who wants to buy me a margarita is a friend of mine.

It was two full days before I got a message from Jack, but he made up for his tardiness with sweeping romantic apology.
Jack – Hey, this is Jack from that bagel app

Ahh, pure poetry.

We continued talking for a while, including a brief stint in which my friend took over my phone and sent him a long message about the superfood benefits of kale (#bless kale), when our conversation turned to the events we had planned for the weekend.

From the second I saw the ‘Yikes’ I knew something was amiss. But I was unsure what it was at first – did he frown upon the fact that I had not left all signs of neon and tutu back in college? Was he unnerved that I was not spending the weekend reading the latest political novel?

All of that would have been better than his response. What do you mean you find it “off-putting”? You are aware you live in a country founded on the right to do all of those things, correct? I pressed on.

Ohhhhhhhh no. OH NO. I considered leaping off the nearest cliff to escape such ignorance.

Also, THAT HEIGHT THING IS SO ANNOYING. Do you think we aren’t going to NOTICE? That’s not exactly something you can hide, and even if it’s not quiteBeans-level catfishing, you’re still going to come off as a lying asshole. That’s not exactly in the top 5 traits I look for in a potential father for my children, ya know?

So, I put him in his place.

GET HIM, J!

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU THINK PEOPLE ‘LIKE PLAYING THE VICTIM‘?

LITERALLY GET THE FUCK OUT.

Was Trayvon Martin ‘playing the victim’ when he was killed in an ethnic hate crime?

Were the 49 lives lost in the Orlando Pulse Nightclub massacre ‘playing the victim’ when their lives were unjustly ripped from them in a homophobic hate crime?

Was I, or any other victim of sexual assault, PLAYING THE FUCKING VICTIM when we were raped, had our self-worth and self-confidence, not to mention ability to trust and, I don’t know, ability to sleep through the night without having a panic attack, STRIPPED FROM US BY A MAN WHO DID NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER?

I was outraged. I would have killed him right then, if my insurance covered it. Instead, I put him on blast in the betchiest way I know how – by saying I felt sorry for him, using his own words against him, and turning the tables around. He continued to not see the error of his ways and be the literal worst.

I’m out. I’m done! I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle humans or fuckboys or ignorance or Trump or anything that’s not at least 13% ABV or laced with THC.

So, fam, if you encounter an ignorant fuckboy along the lines of Jack, just remember that the best solution is to screenshot the conversation and put the entire thing in your Snapchat story and on the internet. Because, friends, it happens to the best of us.

Not that I’m the best, no – FAR from it – but if it can happen to them, it can DEFINITELY happen to me.

XOXO,
J