My best friend KA matched with AdMo aka Jack #1 on Bumble in February. They went on a few dates, hooked up a few times, and then he vanished from the face of the Earth… until reappearing one day in her text message inbox, an unwelcomed ghost from the past. He asked her to join him for drinks, she asked me to come along, and the rest is history aka the story I’m about to tell you.
I am on a heroic quest to scientifically prove that everyone named Jack is the absolute fucking worst.
Now, before you think I’m a lunatic, please know that a) I probs am and b) I did not just wake up one day with this mission. If that was the case, I definitely would have chosen a name that’s more offensive to society. Like Chad, or Chet. Chaz? Besides the point.
No, it took Jack #1 (henceforth known as AdMo), Jack #2, Jack #3 (who watches my Snapchat stories but does NOT text back), and Jack #4 (thank you for the very expensive dinner, no thank you for ghosting on me) before I realized that this was a pattern. Hell, on my date with Jack #4, he even SAID “All guys named Jack are the worst, everybody knows that!” Sir, THIS IS LIKE REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKBOY WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.
Yep, it definitely would have been Chad, now that I’m thinking about it. Moving on.
So, I did what any completely sane person would do and started seeking out any and all single attractive Jacks to go on dates with so that I can figure out what really ruffles their feathers and then use it to ruin their life.
AdMo, however, was KA’s match. She had found him on Bumble shortly before she and I met/immediately became best friends*, and they had been on a few dates and hooked up a few times. He then did that really cute thing that guys do all the time, you know, the one where they sever all contact but then slip you the occasional drunk text or Instagram like to let you know they’re still alive but just don’t really want to talk to you? Yeah, ladies LOVE that one!
*Thanks, Bumble BFF!
So it was a bit surprising when he texted KA one Sunday afternoon and asked her to get drinks at Soussi with him and some of his buddies. She asked me to join as moral support/a partner in crime, and naturally I agreed. A fuckboy and his fuckboy friends?! What joy!
We arrived 30 minutes later, and it was immediately clear that AdMo and his buddies, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, were blackout drunk. Also, neither of them was cute and I was super disappointed. They kicked things off with a really fun conversation starter.
Tweedle Dum – Compare us to characters from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
J – You’re a strong Frank.
Tweedle Dee – Woah, man, you can’t just tell a guy he’s a Frank, that’s wicked offensive.
J – I meant what I said.
KA, meanwhile, has ordered us each a glass of champagne from the waitress who is clearly relieved that two sane (?) girls have showed up to stem the shit parade that has been occurring. Little did she know that things were only about to get worse.
The boys decided that – since it was a Sunday night and they were super blackout and we all had work in the morning – the logical thing to do was to order like 7 rounds of shots. Adulthood! And as they got drunker and drunker, KA and I became more and more sure that this was the night she would ruin AdMo’s life. Our shots were suddenly interrupted when Tweedle Dum had a moment of clarity.
Tweedle Dum – I NEED TO GO HOME!
With that he leapt over the balcony separating us from 18th street and began sprinting. Slightly concerned, I turned to his counterpart.
J – Does he live close? Does he need an Uber?
Tweedle Dee – Eh, he lives in Tenleytown, but he loves drunk running!
J – Are you also worried about his safety?
Tweedle Dee – Always am. He keeps me on my toes.
You cannot make this shit up.
With friend #1 down, AdMo decided it was time to make a move and slid closer to KA. I was immediately on HIGH ALERT.
KA – Um what are you doing?
AdMo – You know, I’ve missed you so much.
KA – You ghosted on me.
AdMo – No, girl, girl I LOVE you, I would never ghost on you, you’re so beautiful.
DEAR FUCKBOYS. You CANNOT, I repeat CAN NOT tell a girl that you love her in non-relationship circumstances and expect it to go well. I can’t believe I just had to type that.
KA – Um, a) you do not love me and if you DO there’s something seriously wrong with you, and b) you are on probation.
AdMo – Probation?
KA – Did I stutter?
It was at this point that Tweedle Dee also departed. In this moment, AdMo realized that the only thing standing between him and KA was me. He turned to me with narrowed eyes and struck.
A – Get the fuck outta here.
J – Um?
A – Get the FUCK outta here.
J – I’ll pass.
A – You deserve to GO TO HELL!
J – This seems like a poor way to be treating the best friend of the girl you’re trying to sleep with but go on.
We continued on with this insanity for a good 15 minutes before he realized the tactic wasn’t working and moved on to plan B.
A – We don’t need to be enemies. I’ll make up with you.
J – How are you going to make it up to me?
A – I’ll go get you another glass of champagne.
J – SOLD!
On his way to the bar he knocked over and shattered a wine glass. Dumb mother fucker. I turned to KA.
J – You cannot sleep with this guy.
KA – But, like, it’s been a while…
J – KA!
J – He’s way too drunk to get it up.
KA – Okay yes you’re right gotta leave.
AdMo came back with no champagne in hand, but he HAD paid the $500 bill, which was really much better than any champagne glass. Success. He sat back down, dropped his arm around KA’s shoulder, and started slurring again.
A – Babe, just, you just gotta come home with me.
KA – Hahahahahahahaha J help me.
It was at that moment that the flower salesman* walked by, and AdMo grabbed the largest bouquet he had. Fumbling with his wallet, he pulled out a $5 bill and brandished it at this poor man.
A – KEEP THE CHANGE
Flower Guy – That bouquet is $20.
A – Oh… what can I get for $5?
With that, the flower man handed him a single carnation. Romance. He handed it to KA and once again asked her to come home with him.
KA – Sir, you are on probation. No.
A – FINE, THEN. I’LL JUST LEAVE, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.
KA & J – Yep mhm that’s exactly what we want really hit the nail on the head there good job
*Where do these guys come from?
AdMo murmured drunkenly, slapped a hand down on the table, and exited (through the door). Through the open patio we watched him zigzag across 18th street, run into a brick wall, and then stumble down the road to his house.
J – At least we didn’t pay?
KA – Holy shit he’s facetiming me.
AdMo proceeded to FaceTime KA NO FEWER THAN 5 times, each time telling her how much he loved her and missed her and wanted to be with her. DUDE. Come on.
The next morning, KA received a text.
A – What did you do to me? I just woke up fully clothed on my couch with my shoes still on.
Poor, poor, stupid Jack #1. You never had a chance.
Well, onto the next one!
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