Context: I matched with ‘Programmer’ on Tinder, intrigued by his nerdy-chic glasses, and we arranged to meet for a drink after he got back from his Thanksgiving in Oregon. We met at Penn Commons at 7:30 PM on a Sunday.
Through my Tinder dating experience, I’ve tried to keep an open mind when it comes to a guy’s job title.
Student? Sure, he may not have money now, but he loves learning! I can learn so much from him!
Republican Hill Staffer? Hey, there’s still a good chance he doesn’t support Trump!*
Bartender? Not the best hours, sure, but the pay can be good and I’m down with a free drink hook up!
*My thought when I went on two dates with one and then walked into his apartment on the 3rd date and there was a TRUMP-PENCE POSTER. There was NOT a 4th date.
And then, there was Programmer. A computer engineer who works for a tax software company. A man wearing nerdy-chic glasses in all his pictures.
Now, I work in IT. My best friend is a computer engineer. I know they can be weird, but they can also be awesome! Dude was probably awesome! Why not give him a chance? Plus, it was a Sunday and I had been working all day, and I needed a drink. I summoned my Uber Pool and headed over to Penn Commons.
It quickly came to my attention that the dude was NOT awesome. He had the lisp, he had the dad bod, he had the World of Warcraft phone case – he had it all. And I don’t think he was all too pleased with my IT knowledge.
P – So, what language do you usually use? Python? C++? Java?
J – Oh, I don’t code – I’m more client-facing. Sometimes I read SQL statements, but that’s about it.
P – But… but you said you worked in IT…
J – I do work in IT, but I don’t write code.
P – So you’re a LIAR?!
At this point, I decided that the beer list was 9000x more interesting than my date, and focused my attention there. I looked up to ask the bartender what his favorite IPA on tap was, but my date quickly thwarted my efforts.
P – I’m from Oregon, and they have Oregon beer here, so you have to try it.
J – Ok…?
With this, he ordered me his THREE favorite beers. Which would normally be great – I love beer – but I had been so focused on my work all day that I hadn’t eaten. After beer #1 I was starting to feel it, and every time I finished, he would order me another.
SIX BEERS, GUYS. HE BOUGHT ME SIX BEERS. Taking a page out of my friend A’s book, I referred to myself as the 6 God.
P – What’s the 6 God?
J – Oh, it’s a nickname for Drake, because he’s from Toronto.
J – You know, Toronto, the 6?
P – Who’s ‘Drake’?
I needed to go. I made a subtle push to leave.
J – I FEEL SICK WE SHOULD GO
P – Okay, I’ll pay the bill
J – YEAH YOU FUCKIN BETTER YOU DRAKE HATER
We headed out, and he asked me how I was getting home. I said I would just call an Uber, and he offered to drive me home. Despite my repeated attempts to say no and to just call my damn Uber, he insisted that he give me a ride. Whatever, I could save the $3 and buy myself something nice.
All was fine until he realized that he couldn’t. find. his. car. Now, DC is not that big a city, and it was a holiday weekend. There were no cars on the street. What kind of nitwit CAN’T FIND HIS CAR?! I would have run away, if I didn’t feel so bad for him. We wound up and down the streets of Penn Quarter, all the while him whimpering and me trying my best not to vomit on him. I tried to make a joke.
J – Haha, if I knew you’d be taking me on a guided tour of DC, I would have made you buy me dinner as well!
It did not go over well.
Finally, I put my foot down. Quite literally – I stopped walking at a street corner, called myself an Uber, and refused to move.
J – I’m sorry, but I am tired, I am starving, and I feel nauseous. Best of luck finding your car, and thank you for the drinks, but my Uber is arriving.
And, with the slamming of a Toyota Camry door, I was gone. I never heard from Programmer again, and may never know if he found his car. That’s okay, though, because I learned a very important lesson: do NOT worry about your date’s mode of transportation. Do not accept a ride unless you want to end up on a veritable ‘Where’s Waldo’ search of beige sedans.
And, the more important lesson – if you do not eat before a date, don’t allow him to buy you SIX BEERS. Things get very ugly, very fast.