Context: I had been chatting with ‘Friendless’ for a few days on Tinder when he asked for my phone number, and we set something up for Wednesday night. Well, when Wednesday rolled around, I was a hungover and exhausted mess (#recruiting). I had happy hour plans for Thursday with my friends A and BP, but I invited him along and told him to bring friends. He said that he had just moved here and didn’t have friends in the area yet (RED FLAG), but he would happily join us. We met at Fuego at 7 PM.
There are five little words that every girl loves to hear.
“You are so very beautiful”? Eh, sure.
“I made you some lasagna”? Speaks to me, but not what I’m going for.
“I’m not catfishing you, promise”? Well, that’s reassuring.
No, no, no, dear readers. The answer we were looking for is “You’re my first Tinder date.” Hehehe. So young, so innocent, so ripe for the taking!
‘Friendless,’ who I swiped right on mostly because he works for my favorite fuckboy company, was a Tinder virgin, so I was determined to show him a good time! And take advantage of his credit card. #MenAreWallets2k16.
A and I pregamed with
a few like 5 margaritas at my apartment, and we headed over to meet Friendless when he texted me that he was there. Assert dominance by being tardy, ladies! Also, I should mention that we were wearing matching gym shirts that say “Tequila 2020” on the front. And I wonder why bartenders in Clarendon think I’m a hooker!
Friendless was CLEARLY very happy with the two hot, drunk girls in front of him (he wasn’t bad looking himself), and followed us over to grab seats at the bar. This is where things began to go downhill like Jack and Jill.
When A and I started to order our margaritas, Friendless turned to me and said “you might need to help me. I’m kind of new to this. I didn’t really drink in college.”
Hmmm… interesting… but he’s 26, so he must have drank since then?
“Well, I’m kind of a recent graduate. It’s a long story. I spent a long time living by myself and doing research in a different state. And this is the first time I’ve gone out since I moved here in August…”
HOLD UP, FREAKAZOID. IT IS JANUARY. AUGUST IS NOT RECENT. A and I BOTH moved here in August, and not only have we made friends (wow such friends much fun), we’ve also gone out a number of times that is HIGHLY discouraged by the American Medical Association. A and I shared a look that was a fun little cross between abject horror and “let’s fuck with him.”
Since we no longer cared about future romantic prospects (not that we really did in the first place), we let the conversation take an… unconventional course. From insulting his major, to talking about our ass goals, to a fun discussion about what a “fuckboy” is, we were on a wild ride. Friendless seemed like he liked the challenge, which just further fueled our fire. I was deep in a conversation about my gym bae when my phone started vibrating with a few rapid fire text messages. I checked my phone (haha, what are manners) to find the following:
A – “BP help me J brought a Tinder weirdo and he has a twitch”
A – “Weird weird”
BP – “I’M COMING DON’T LOSE HOPE”
Oh, did I not mention that he had a twitch? Well, maybe because it was SO FUCKING DISTRACTING that I blocked it out of my mind. Also, A, ‘twitch’ is an understatement. It was like, ‘let me open my mouth really wide and then close it very rapidly like 7 times like I’m yawning or a lion but I’m not. Also let me repeat this every other minute.’ I don’t think I’ll have much luck typing that description into Google Images, so I’ll do my best. Hold on.
Ok, I only chose this one because Jared Padalecki is so f*cking hot, but imagine this facial expression ooover and oooover again. Terrifying.
Once BP showed up, we got him a seat in the middle, and immediately ordered tequila shots. BP, our lord and savior, took the reins of the conversation and explored a variety of thrilling topics, including the following:
- Baked chicken
- How Costco has not inflated its prices since the 1970s
- Awkward high school experiences (BP was a very overweight child, but is now quite well-adjusted and goes out and makes friends and such. Friendless was freaking the fuck out over how he used to wear the same UTenn hat every day, and looking back is horrified of his fashion choices. K.)
- Friendless being super insecure about drinking because he’s half Korean and was experiencing the first signs of Asian glow
The entire time this was going on, A and I were facepalming, counting the seconds between facial tics, and chugging more margaritas. We needed to get out. I sent BP to settle up the bill because as a woman I am incapable of such tasks, and we headed back to my apartment. A and I took the lead, while BP and Friendless strolled behind us.
I noticed that we were pretty far in front of the guys, and I REALLY didn’t want Friendless to know where I lived, so I nudged A and told her to walk faster. We sped up a bit, and broke into a sprint as we turned into my building’s courtyard, knocking aside helpless dogs and old women with walkers as we went. I scanned my key on the monitor and we darted inside, making it to the elevator and into my apartment in record time. The crowds went wild. I was giving my Olympic medal acceptance speech when Friendless texted me:
F – BP and I are locked out. BP sounds like he’s about to head home too btw.
Oh no, you’re locked out? However could that have happened?!
Then, Friendless called me, but I had NO intention of answering so I threw my phone off the balcony.
JK, I just ignored it and drunk-made a quesadilla to refuel after that track and field masterpiece. Friendless followed up with another text:
F – Looks like we’re all headed home. Good meeting up and hope to again!
ARE. YOU. JOKING. I barely talked to you the whole night, told you that I only swiped right because I have a good history with Tinder boys who work for your company, and LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM YOU and you want to meet up AGAIN?!?! HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT, SIR.
Note to self: Never trust a guy who shows up to a date in a full suit and a pocket square.
PS I woke up this morning to an email from BP with the subject line ‘IMPORTANT’ and I was all “ooooh I wonder what’s important?!” and the body of the email was “Costco hasn’t inflated its prices since the 1970s” and THIS IS WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES.