Date Stories, J

J: The Perfect PhD

Context: I matched with ‘Engineer’ on Tinder, a California hunk with a perfect smile, and he opened by asking me about the blog that I have linked to my Tinder bio. I was like, ‘OMG SOMEONE CARES ABOUT MY INTERESTS,’ and proposed drinks right away. We met at Churchkey on a Saturday afternoon.

Tinder is super weird, guys.

One day I’ll be swiping through, finding only ‘Music Producers’ who studied at ‘Yo MAMA’S Community College,’ seeking ‘shawties’ who are ‘420 friendly *tree emoji*,’ and the next day I’ll find a guy like Engineer. A guy who (per my subsequent LinkedIn stalking) I know has a) a PhD at age 26, b) 5 stars and 100% recommend rate on Rate My Professors, and c) a super hot face and bod. Ummmm what?

Of course, I knew none of this when I walked into our date, as evidenced by my graceful introduction:
J – How was your day?
E – It was good! I went up to campus to help out some students.
J – Oh, awesome! Are you a TA or something?
E – …i’m actually a professor, I teach several sections of an engineering course*.

Oh. Oops.

*What he failed to ALSO mention was that he had attended UC Berkeley for his graduate degree and PhD, AND had won outstanding professor awards. Ummm marry me now?

Luckily, I think I managed to redeem myself throughout the course of the date by recalling all the words I had learned for the SAT and making him think I was super smart and mature and stuff. And by ‘think,’ I mean he asked for a second date before we even left the bar. Yeah J, go J!

We were in the middle of a discussion about macarons (classic) when I realized that I was late to my own Holiday Party pregame, Michelin was in an Uber over already, and I still had to shower and buy liquor. Awesome. I knew it was time to make moves.
J – Hey, so my holiday party is tonight and I’m hosting a pregame, so I really need to head out soon.
E – Holiday party, eh? What time should I come over?
J – *omg why do I have a date omg why do I have a date*
J – Hahaha ha ha! Let’s wait til our date later this week!

He paid, I called us an Uber (we live 2 blocks from each other), and we parted ways with a plan to meet up the following Saturday to bake cookies. We texted intermittently throughout the week, and I was very excited when he showed up at my place Saturday.

And, guys…. this is where even the professional dater gets all tripped up. The date went so well – we made awesome macarons (110+ Instagram likes!), he played my guitar while I sang, we chatted and laughed for 4 hours… but when he left, he didn’t kiss me. And he didn’t text me after. And I haven’t heard from him since. WHAT HAPPENED?!

Engineer, if you’re reading this, plz explain your disappearance. Otherwise, I’ll be forever left to wonder if the cover-up I used on my hickeys (fuck buddy struggles) wasn’t quite opaque enough, or if I smell, or if you have some crippling fear of commitment (SAME tbh). After all, if someone as perfect as you is on the market, there must be something wrong, right? …right??!?!!

Whatever, now I know that there are guys with PhDs on Tinder, and I won’t stop until I find them all.


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