Context: AAAAaaaayooo. Guess who has two thumbs and hasn’t been on a date in over a week and is kinda loving it? This girl! I attribute this to a ratchet AF long weekend spent at my alma mater making legitimately T E R R I B L E life decisions, and being in a general funk spurred by a recent spat with this huge fuckboy. Also, my body recently decided to celebrate the fact that I’m not pregnant (very exciting, see: aforementioned terrible life decisions) by essentially smashing my insides with a sledgehammer. Like, pain to the point where I canceled two dates. Being a girl is super fun!

hurts

But, I am recharged! I’ve done a little slutting around and now I’m ready to get back in the free food and dranks game. Till then, enjoy this story displaying how smart and cunning my roommates and I are!

Are y’all familiar with those Elf Yourself videos? If not, you live under a rock and idk how you’re reading this right now because shouldn’t you be churning butter or some shit? They’re great. I made four for our apartment (I am very busy and have a highly demanding social calendar), but they are simply no replacement for the traditional Christmas card. You know, those life updates you send to family and frenemies with a carefree and candid picture on the front that screams “Happy politically correct holidays! We are thinking of you kinda but mostly we just want you to think of us! Look how skinny and pretty we are and how shiny our hair is and how much we L.O.V.E. each other! Oh you like my festive sweater? Good I spent $195 dollars on it at a high-end boutique and now I won’t be able to eat for a month but look how SKINNY we are!”

skinny

Yep. We want to send THOSE out! However, problem – a holiday photoshoot requires a photographer. Where do we find one of those? The photographer store? Do we meander around the American University campus and grab the first hipster with a DSLR? Wait… TINDER!

This kind of thinking is why they pay us the big bucks.

I immediately updated my bio to the following:

bio

I poured myself a bottle of red wine, queued up Alanis Morrisette (my spirit animal), and got to swiping.

convo1

This guy seemed promising, until he STOPPED responding to my messages after I told him we wanted the shoot to be “kind of basic, but not like SUPER basic, you know?”

convo3

My hobbies include telling people they’re useless so that they develop an inferiority complex and feel the need to impress me.

convo2

My hobbies ALSO include being super humble and sweet.

So, how does the story end? Well, I DID find a photographer! However, fate had other plans. After a wild night at our respective holiday parties, M, L, and I were too hungover to function today and decided to forgo pictures in favor of eating melty cheese. PRIORITIES.

cheese

XOXO,
J