J, Messages

J: Vienna? Like the country?

Context: Last Friday was my birthday! It was a great reminder that I’m one year closer to dying alone with many, many dogs. Like, A LOT of dogs. It was also an occasion to head to Lauriol Plaza with my friends A and C and drink copious amounts of sangrita swirl, then to blackout at someone else’s birthday party at Saufhaus. It’s fine, just practicing for my own! This was a perfect opportunity for A to swipe through my Hinge, which is where she matched me with Lawyer, the victim subject of today’s post.

Okay, fam. Let’s get this post started with a little lesson in geography, a subject I am fully unqualified to educate you on.

See that red star on the left? That is Vienna, VirginiaThe city where I was born and raised. A suburb of DC. A stop on the Orange Line. A beautiful town. Vienna.

Now, see that blue star on the right? That is Vienna, Austria. The capital of Austria. A place famous for its cultural events, imperial sights, sausages, waltz style, and its very special Viennese charm.

Now, I’m sure there are other cities around the world named Vienna. After all, it is a great name. Texas probably has one, because Texas has everything. This is fine. There is one thing, though, of which I am certain.

NOT A COUNTRY. Nope. Nada. Never has been, never will be.

Now that we’ve completed our geography lesson, let’s move on to Lawyer. A man in his late 20s boasting an undergraduate degree from Columbia, a JD from NYU Law School, and a job in national security law. Promising!

He messaged me shortly after we matched, and we chatted briefly about our weekends. He mentioned that he had spent time with his cousins and sister, so I asked if they lived close by.
L – My aunt and uncle and cousin do. And my sister is here for the year. What about you?

This, my friends, is where things got… interesting.

AND THEREEEEE WE GO. The country or city? This must be a joke. Also, nice transition to asking about my job! So natural.

I was bored cleaning my room, so I decided this was the perfect time to troll this poor, misguided gentleman.

I literally said “No one speaks Australian here” and he didn’t bat an eye. Send help.

*Cut to me, cackling in my bathroom as I google “famous US modern artists” and ignore my roommate knocking on the door, asking when I’ll be done so he can shower*

That’s right, folks. I asked a guy if he was involved in law related to gamefishing, spear fishing, torts, or SPORTS, and he proceeded to ask me out. I love everyone.

Also, for reference, here are the Princeton Review stats on his alma maters.

Lord help us all.

Can’t wait for our date!

XOXO,
J

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