J: Who is this mystery man?

Context: I matched with ‘Mystery Tim’ on Coffee Meets Bagel way back in February, and – through a series of  odd events – we ended up meeting at Lauriol Plaza in May. Yes, that is several months later. Happens. Read on to learn how Mystery Tim and I reunited, and how the story ends.

Let’s talk about saving numbers. Do you save rando’s numbers? Because I sure as hell do not.

Assigning someone a name in my phone gives them a space in my personal life. Like, idc if it takes up a nano-iota-byte* of memory space – that shit is precious. Do you know how many Selena Gomez songs I need to have saved for offline on Spotify to make it through my daily commute? I’m not wasting a single second of ‘Bad Liar’ on some fuckboy who probably messaged me on a dating app for 2 days and then never followed through on our plans to get a drink.

*Yes, I work in IT; however, technical terms have never been my strong suit.

Also, do you know what happens when you save numbers? It becomes VERY AWKWARD when you’re scrolling through your phone on a date to get to your baby pictures (what, doesn’t everyone show those to potential suitors?) and your phone is blowing up with messages from “Ross Bumble” and “Adam Tinder” and “Anthony Medium Dick”. However, if those numbers aren’t saved, you can just brush it off with a nonchalant “Oh, my word, who ever is this strange number asking me to ‘send nudes’? They must have the wrong number” and be done with it.

But, it can bite you in the butt. Case in point: Mystery Tim. We had apparently matched on Coffee Meets Bagel back in February, and he had theoretically given me his number, and I had evidently texted him “Hey, this is J!” and then we discussed margaritas for all of 2 days and then I stopped responding. Because, life, y’all. Life gets in the way. Also, if I have not met you, I do not care about you.

However, Mystery Tim apparently had not forgotten about me, because several months later I got a text from an unknown number.
MT – Hey, are we ever going to get margaritas?
J – Well, I’m free after work on Friday!

Because saying ‘yes’ is to dating as toppings are to self-serve fro-yo – either you go all out, or you don’t go at all.

So, we arranged to meet at El Centro on 14th St at 7 PM on Friday – but then my friends KC^2 (when your friends have the same initials ugh too many friends life is hard) wanted to go to Lauriol Plaza, and like WHO AM I to deny my friends their frozen sangrita swirly goodness, so I decided, what’s the worst that can happen if I invite mystery boy? Let’s see:
– I don’t know his name
– I don’t know what he looks like
– I don’t know whether he’s normal or is an axe murderer planning my demise
– I don’t know if he’ll pay for any of our drinks if I bring friends

Considering the above, it was all very promising, so I texted him.
J – Hey, how would you feel about meeting up with some of my friends at Lauriol Plaza instead? You can bring some friends as well, we’ll make it a big happy hour!
MT – Yeah, that sounds good, I’ll see you then!
J – Awesome! PS lol haha what is your name never saved it??
MT – It’s Tim lol
J – PERFECT

The name Tim rang no bells, so I decided to pregame the date. That way, even if he ended up being ugly, at least I would be drunk.

KC^2 and I showed up at Lauriol Plaza just after 7, having consumed a bottle of sparkling rose between the 3 of us followed by a double gin and tonic each at Cobalt. We posted up at the bar and ordered our first pitcher of sangrita swirl while I waited for Tim and his friend to find us. Tim approached me and tapped me on the shoulder.
MT – Hey, J?

FIRST IMPRESSION: He was cuuuuuute. Good job, J.
SECOND IMPRESSION: His friend was NOT cute. Sorry, female KC. At least my date was a looker.

We settled into a table, ordered another pitcher of sangrita swirl for the table, and ordered our food. I sat next to Tim and sank easily into a conversation – it was clear that we had chemistry – while KC^2 talked to each other and Tim’s friend, ‘Weird Dan’, sat awkwardly just like his weird self.

After we had wrapped up and paid, male KC suggested we go to a gay bar. I suggested to Tim that he should come with us. He said yes. Thot mode activated.

Of course, this being Friday night, Trade and Number Nine were SLAMMED, so we decided to go back to male KC’s apartment to continue our pregame. And by ‘pregame’ I mean drinking vodka crans, playing beer pong, and making out with Mystery Tim because yuuuupppp that happened. After 30 minutes or so of talking/making out on KC’s couch, we decided to head back to my place (without Weird Dan) (thank heavens). Female KC did not quite understand the situation.
KC – What bar are you going to?!?! Can I come????
J – Um… we’re not going to a bar…
KC – WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
J – Ta ta!

She’s the best.

Long story short, we returned to my house and got down to business. I was less than thrilled to discover shortly thereafter that he was less than well-endowed, because – gentlemen – I understand that you do not choose what genetics you have. If we could, I would not CHOOSE to have relatively small boobs and a family history of skin cancer. HOWEVER. You can choose whether you learn how to work with what you got, or not, and he was a NOT. After an incredibly disappointing 10 minutes, he insisted that we could bond over sharing our favorite music. I must have seemed confused, because he whipped out his Spotify Premium and put on some awful eclectic indie band that was singing about sadness and fires and like, peacocks, I DON’T KNOW, I was more focused on kicking homeboy out.
J – Interesting music choice PS I have a meeting at 6 AM TOMORROW LOL please leave.
MT – Oh, that’s too bad, I was going to ask if you wanted to get breakfast or coffee tomorrow morning!
J – HAHA YES too bad too too bad. Wanna leave now?
MT – Maybe we can grab coffee in the afternoon? Or on Sunday?
J – I’m allergic to coffee.
MT – You literally have a mug on your night stand that says “and on the 6th day, God invented coffee”.
J – WELL I’M ALLERGIC TO GOD TOO.

He eventually left, after a few more terrible songs and a bit more arguing about the merits of Spotify* vs Apple Music vs Tidal. He texted me immediately after leaving that he really would love to grab coffee that week and get to know me better. I ignored him because I was crying about being alone forever.

*Spotify or GTFO betches

He still texts me every week asking if I want to get coffee.

Sometimes I dream about him dying in a tragic revolving door accident.

I wonder what ever happened to Weird Dan.

XOXO,
J

Leave a Reply