Context: Hey, remember that guy that I ONLY swiped right on because he had a sailboat? And then I fell in love (with his Catalina 22) and simultaneously tried to ditch (because he sucks/can’t plan a date to save his life/he sucks). Well HE WON’T. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. Seriously, guys, this is a PROBLEM. I present you with part 2 in this continuing saga…
There is a lot to be said for knowing how to take. a. hint. For example, if someone is regularly not responding to your text messages, they are probably not “just busy.” I understand a busy week, but this is the 21st century. Everyone has essentially superglued their phone to their hand at this point. Is it a good thing? Fuck no, I’m gonna be blind by age 35. Is there anything you can do about it? Yeah, you can NOT TEXT ME a gajillion times in a row when I’m not responding, thanks!
It very quickly came to my attention that Sailor was completely unable to take hints of any kind. After multiple weeks of me not responding to texts, or blowing off dates, or claiming to be busy every hour of every day of every week of every… you get the picture. I was over it. He was NOT.
On Monday, Sailor and I engaged in this lovely conversation:
S – Hey! Wanna come over for a bite this week?
M – Nah, I’m busy this week and won’t have time to make it out to Bethesda.
Note: Should have said BUSY FOREVER AND EVER ALSO MOVING TO JAPAN BYE
S – Oh, well I can cook at your place!
M – Ah, you know what? I don’t have anything to cook with! What a shame!
S – Oh, no problem! How about you go grab some groceries and I’ll cook with them?
Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m NOT about to BUY GROCERIES so Sailor can push his way into my home and cook me a half-assed meal. May I remind you that last time he cooked frozen fish and ready rice?!
M – Uhhh I don’t really want to grocery shop… we might as well go to a restaurant at that point
S – Ok, I can bring some ingredients! What do you have?
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING FOR INVENTORY OF MY KITCHEN
M – Like cereal and mac and cheese.
S – Haha, you college girl, you! 😉 I can make tacos!
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS GUY AND TACOS?!?!? THIS IS NOT NORMAL
M – Yeah… I still don’t eat beef…
S – Chicken tacos!! What are you doing tomorrow?
M – I have a doctor appointment
S – Great! I’ll go shopping and come cook once you’re done!
Well, I guess he’s cooking me dinner?
Our conversation was at an end. I was in the clear. OR SO I THOUGHT. Next thing I know, my phone is vibrating yet again, and whose name would appear on the phone but…
S – Tell me a story
M – What?
S – I’m sparking interesting conversation!
Yep. Nope. Hard pass.
S – Hey! We still on for tonight?
I re-read our earlier conversation, and realized I never agreed to this. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SAILOR?
M – Um I’m not going shopping…
S – I am! Then I was thinking, after dinner, we could take a walk?
M – Where are we walking to? Also it’s freezing outside…
S – Nowhere in particular. I just need to go on a walk because I know myself, and that’s when I can best open up to you.
S – Do you need rum or beer or something? Be there in 35
S – It’s not freezing! It’s 62 degrees outside!
S – Be there in 5!
S – I’m here!
Can you tell that I’m excited by my series of enthusiastic responses?
M – Sign in at the front desk and come up to our apartment
Wait, you’re here? CRAP. NOW WHAT DO I DO. I DIDN’T AGREE TO THIS.
So, Sailor shows up at the door. WITH. GROUND. BEEF. How many times did we discuss that I don’t eat red meat?! AT LEAST FIVE. And yet, here you are. No, no, no no no. I sent him to Trader Joe’s to pick up chicken because if we’re in this far, I’m GETTING a dinner, damn it.
J comes home from work and her eyes move from the ingredients on the counter, to the romantic lit candle, to the sultry Italian music playing, to me. As roommates and soul sisters, we are able to communicate without words, and at that moment both of our minds exclaimed “WHAT ON EARTH?!”
J – He’s a joke.
M – I know.
The whole night was just so awkward. He kept telling me that I seemed tired, and I really didn’t feel like explaining that I wasn’t tired, but I would just pay money to be ANYWHERE ELSE. So, I kept repeating “yeah, just so busy with work! Really tired this week! Can you pour me some more wine?!”
The next night, finally free from the Sailor’s taco-scented presence, my phone vibrated. Text from Sailor. Full-on PTSD, guys. I threw my phone across the room, and then slowly made my way over to see what he wanted.
S – Can I ask you a question?
M – Ok?
You’re already asking me a question, and I hate you.
S – Are you trying to take things slow?
Okay, I need to SHUT. THIS. DOWN.
M – I’m not sure we see this going in the same direction. I’ve been really busy at work and trying to focus on my career, and I just don’t want to date right now.
S – Are you saying we can’t hook up then? Because that just doesn’t make sense.
Oh, really? It doesn’t make sense? How about this, then – I don’t want to SEE OR HANG OUT WITH YOU, right now… or ever, for that matter. So WHY ON EARTH would I EVER want to HOOK UP WITH YOU?!
I didn’t respond. I am TRUTHFULLY very busy with work, and do not have time to deal with this psycho.
Days pass, and just when I think I’m FINALLY in the clear, Sailor reappears on my phone screen. Note to self: Google “how to block a phone number.”
S – Are we on different pages? I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I definitely don’t want you to go around telling people that I’m just a nice guy and nothing more.
M – Listen. The other night confirmed, I do not want to date you. I do not want to SEE you. And, don’t worry, I can confirm that you are NOT a nice guy. We should find and date people that we like!
Ok, I was a tad bit annoyed, and maybe a touch meaner than usual, but LEAVE ME ALONE!
S – WOW. I am speechless. I thought we had something special. I REALLY liked you!
M – I didn’t mean that to be hateful. I think you’re just reading this with an angry tone! I just meant that your approach to dating was not considerate of my time and interests (i.e. I don’t want to hang out with your parents, eat beef, or go all the way to Bethesda only to find a used condom in your trash). I don’t want to waste your time when I know this isn’t going anywhere. I’m not interested.
Look at how honest I am! These aren’t even hints at this point! He has to get it now, right?!?!
S – That dinner is the most considerate thing I’ve EVER DONE for a girl! To shop, drive to you, cook… yeah I fucked up with the beef, but I was flustered because YOU’RE AMAZING. I really click with you, and I love to do fun things with you!
Yes. I love to do fun things with me too! We have so much in common!
S – I wanted to go for a walk because I know that’s when I can really open up. And, unless you’re an actress, I know that we both had a FANTASTIC time.
Maybe this is a bad time to mention that I was a paid child actress?
Okay. Done with Plan A: Tell him I’m too busy to date, AND Plan B: Tell him I don’t like him. I think I’m in the clear. And then, a week later…
S – Hey, do you know how to calculate the interest on a loan? I’m having trouble figuring it out.
ARE YOU JOKING?! I didn’t respond, because, um, Google it?
3 days pass, and then I get:
S – Hey, sorry for being such a lame-o the other night! We should go to the Clarendon Halloween Bar Crawl together!
I’m running out of funny “Nope” gifs. SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE, SAILOR?
Two weeks pass. Two glorious, glorious weeks. And then, when I’m least expecting it, WHO SHOULD TEXT ME but Mr. Sailboat himself.
S – Can I ask you a question?
AGAIN with this? Please learn what a question is. I only date men who understand grammar.
M – Sure
S – Are we through?
YES YES YES YES YES WE’RE THROUGH!!!!
S – Because I wanted to still spend time with you and get to know you better so we can see what would happen. I love hanging out with you.
Okay, so Plans A and B obviously aren’t working. Time for Plan C.
M – I need to be honest with you. I’m too emotionally invested in someone else right now to date other people.
S – YOU’RE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE?!
Yeah, Mr. “Used-condom-in-his-trash”, I’m not exclusively dating you.
M – Dude we’ve been on THREE DATES. I found a condom in your trash.
S – Yes. I am also seeing other people. I fucked up with the condom. It makes sense that you lost some of your original lust after that day.
Shit, what’s Plan D?!? Ahh, yes – you can’t control love.
M – Hey. You fall for who you fall for, and maybe I’ll end up hurt by this other guy, but that’s better than never trying and never knowing. But once you try, you have to move on. That’s how you learn.
S – So you’re going for a guy who may fail, over a guy willing to give you everything he has?!
Are beef tacos everything you have?
S – Really, M. I wanted to work through this. What went wrong?
You’re boring? Your only redeeming quality is your boat? Huh, no clue!
M – S, the timing is not right for us.
S – Well, then. Unless I find someone else, I’m here. I don’t like being on the side burner, so make a decision fast. But, I will be here until you do.
First of all, BACK. BURNER. Second of all, that sentence contradicted itself multiple times. Third of all, okay! Byeeeeee forever!
So, in conclusion, never date a guy for his sailboat. Okay, maybe do. But have Plans A-D in your back pocket if you choose not to heed my warnings.