While I would never be one to talk negatively on dating apps, sometimes one too many catfishes can send you over the metaphorical edge. Johnny, did you really think you could get away with telling me you were 6’1 when you’re shorter* than I am? Please, buddy. Let’s be real.

stare

*I have found that there is a bizarre sect of men who think they can get away with adding two inches to their posted height. When I then call them out, they get all defensive, like “But I meant when I was standing on several stairs?? Or wearing very large moon shoes??”

One of the great things** about meeting potential lovers IRL is that they CAN’T lie about things like their height, or weight, or their strange, patchy neck beard (looking at you, Engineering Boy I went out with last week). However, it’s a big city – where can you find hot, single men without terrifying facial hair?? Thus, I would like to present you with the Tinder District Guide to finding love in DC.

**One of the downsides, on the other hand, is that you don’t get the pleasure of creating an elaborate back story on how you met. ‘Ah yes! Taddington! Well, I was simply taking my morning stroll by the White House – you know, where the President lives, very DC, yes – when the most gorgeous man came barreling out the gate, chasing after the Obamas’ dog. The dog ran right up to me – yes, I am very good with animals, thank you for noticing – and that’s how I started dating the son of Vice President Biden’s assistant!’

big deal

1. Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s

“The best things in life are free vegan, organic, and overpriced” – Abraham Lincoln, probably. Such is the mindset of Washingtonians. DC was recently rated the fittest city in the US, mostly due to the fact that the our public transit is a piece of crapola. It’s a great leg workout to balance yourself on a cramped Metro car as you attempt not to fall on the people around you! (unless you are attempting number 3, then by all means, tumble away!). And where do we shop to fuel up for these quad-strengthening commutes? Whole Paycheck and Two-Dollar-Wine Joe’s, of course!

wf

Now, finding love in the grocery store can be tricky. Is this man shopping with a list? He’s whipped. No man makes lists. They’re not good at numbers and words all together like that. No, husbands get lists from their wives, because men are wallets. It’s simply the natural order of the universe.

However, is this man in the prepared food aisle with a basket full of freezer burritos and a 6-pack of some local IPA? POUNCE, LADIES! POUNCE! Shove elderly women out of the way with your cheese-laden cart and coyly ask the man for a beer recommendation. Then, as he waxes poetic about something called a porter (what the fuck is that), stick your chest out and feign interest in the concentrated flavor produced by mashing and malting (are those even words). You’ll be sharing loving glances over (grass-fed, sulfate-free) wine and cheese in no time!

2. Uber Pool

I first heard about Uber Pool a couple of months ago, when I was at brunch with my friends and one of them started complaining about her experience the night before.
C – Yeah, there were these two guys in my Uber who were SO annoying!
J – Oh, no! Wait – did you say ‘guys’???
C – Yeah, they were total frat douches, and were drunk off their asses.
J – *frantically downloading app* Oh, man, that’s the worst…
C – And they kept talking about all these poor girls they thought were hot!
J – *salivating* Sounds horrible. Did you happen to like… get their number… or tell them about me…?
C – You’re a mess and I hate you.

hot mess

Seriously, guys, Uber Pool is MONEY. You pay less and you get a slew of people to hook up with/tell about the blog/beg to write guest posts? Oooooh, Heaven is a place on Earth.

3. The Metro

There are certain features that come to mind when you think about a romantic atmosphere. For example, there is probably soft lighting that hides the facial blemishes that appeared after you ate that entire pizza by yourself on Valentine’s Day. Also, smooth jazz playing in the background, or at least a little Michael Buble action. Finally, a kind hobo resting his unkempt head on your shoulder as he snores. Yep, perfect night!

hey now

Now, the Metro offers one of these things (bet you can’t guess which!), but the lighting (a fluorescent yellow that would make even Gigi Hadid’s skin appear sallow) and soundtrack (Mr. Very Important Finance Man talking loudly to Mr. Very Important Consulting Man about the upgrades he’s planning to his home theatre) leave quite a bit to be desired.

That’s where you come in! See a cute guy reading a book? Ask him about his favorite literary devices, being sure to include a few words you remember from 9th grade English class (hyperbole! consonance!). Is he wearing a jersey? Tell him how much you love sports (hashtag GO SPORTS TEAM!). Is he scrolling idly through his phone? Ask to borrow it because you told your mom you would call her when you found true love!

Or, try this one!

Or, try this one!

Note: All of these tactics may go very badly. But, luckily, you can just scurry off and switch cars at the next stop! Clean getaway. Thanks WMATA!

4. The Brixton

Sure, I could have chosen any club in DC. But there’s something about this U Street hot spot that just screams ‘romance’ to me. Maybe it’s the long, snaking line if you arrive any time after 11 PM? Pick out a cute boy, walk up to him, announce that you’re cold, and forcibly wrap his arms around you. Easy! Bonus points if he’s near the front of the line, or with his significant other!

Or, maybe it’s the multiple floors to allow for maximum getaway feasibility. Did you walk in and ask the first guy you saw to buy you a drink? And did he take that as a sign that you were head over heels in love with him and owed him sex and he would never leave your side for the rest of the night?*** Just turn your shirt inside out, change floors, and repeat the process with someone new! Works every time!

no

Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, it’s because I went to Brixton last weekend, met the most beautiful boy ever****, talked to him for hours and then he asked for my phone number… and I haven’t heard from him since. WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?!?!

***TRUE STORY SOS
****PwC boy, if you’re reading this, text me??

5. A Caps/Wizards/Nats Game

Ok y’all, I don’t know about you, but I go to these games for one reason and one reason only – hot bros. Bros love sports. I love drinking. Bros are intrigued when a drunk J in a ‘borrowed’ oversized jersey stumbles into the wrong section and accuses them of sitting in her seat. Nice bros will be kind enough to let me sit with them so I ‘don’t miss any of the game!’ that I’m ‘really, really interested in!’ Twenty minutes and a mention of my cooking and baking talents later, ba da bing, ba da boom, we’re in luuuuurve.

sports

So there you have it. Love is all around you. You just need to be ratchet and/or drunk enough to grab it by the horns!

XOXO,
J