One of the great mysteries of life is people who lead off Tinder conversations with “wanna come hook up?” WHO SAYS YES TO THIS? Guys, seriously. Have you ever watched an episode of CSI?! Ever watched David Caruso seductively put on his sunglasses and utter a punny one-liner that never fails to elicit a girlish giggle?

caruso sunglasses

THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE. In a moment of feminine desperation, you agree to enter the lair of a seemingly sweet, attractive internet gentleman, and BAM. Face on milk cartons, all that jazz. Yeah, count me out.

This brings us to this lovely interaction I had a few nights ago:

Messages 1

Ew. First of all, he claims that District Taco is better than Chipotle, and NO. Just no. Don’t treat my precious ChipotBAE like that, you plebeian.

chipotle

And no, dude, I do NOT want to come over. You have questionable taste in Mexican food, you are really bad at telling jokes, and WHY ON EARTH do you think I would want to have a threesome WITH MY MOM?! (who happens to read this blog! Hi Mom! You have an admirer! Don’t tell Dad!)

We continued to chat against my better judgment, during the course of which conversation I uttered the phrase “I don’t like you” no less than three times. His profile says he likes Duke basketball, though, so I’m not too surprised that he’s a little dense.

Messages 1b

You. Must. Be. Joking. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Oh yeah, Duke basketball.

duke