Context: When I was in Austin last week (RIP my liver and body and bank account etc), my friend A entertained herself at Day 2 brunch by changing my age range to 32-55+ and swiping furiously. She continued to use my account as entertainment back in DC, where she matched me with Daddy on a Thursday evening.
I am no stranger to sugar daddies, as you may know. First there was Ocean City Daddy, a 44-year-old divorced father of one who I pranced up to at Hawthorne one night ended up sleeping in his cousin’s guest bedroom with a cat (long story), and who tantalized me with talk of his Ocean City beach house* for several months before he realized I was probably never going to actually go there.
*Per review of the evidence aka his Facebook profile, he has since found another sugar baby, clearly a downgrade but w/e you do you sir.
Then, there was Greg – the Wisconsinite that KA and I met one fateful night at Duccini’s. He continues to call KA, and if you’re interested I have videos of him singing country music that I can share upon request.
There was then Mole Rat, who definitely reads this blog (hi!) so I won’t say much other than that not getting him to pay off my credit cards is one of my life’s greatest regrets. Also hopefully he’s having a great year abroad and never returns!!
So, when A started swiping on the 32-60 year old cohort, I was excited about what could transpire. First, there was Kamran…
Yes, Kamran, we absolutely can go shopping together. IF by “we” you mean “me and your credit card while you stay a safe distance away and do not try to talk to or touch me in any way.”
Then, there was Will. Will is 58 years old, more “Mr. Rogers” than “George Clooney,” and I’ll be damned if I’ll let him forget that.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to read those words.
Can’t wait for my new boat! And, A is swiping through the elderly contingent as I type, so there are more to come. Be sure to check out the TD Instagram for updates, and to send me your own screenshots either via Insta or email at firstname.lastname@example.org.