Have you heard that there’s a snowstorm coming?
Oh, you haven’t? Well, maybe you should have asked THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE DC METROPOLITAN AREA THAT WAS AT TRADER JOE’S LAST NIGHT.
My lovely readers, I pray to the highest powers (Queens Bey and Nicki) that you will never be in a grocery line that loops around the store more than once. It is a fate that I would not wish upon my greatest enemy.* And yet, I wished it upon myself last night, as I stood for 45 minutes in a line of crazed lunatics, prepared for the zombie apocalypse, pushing carts laden with milk, bread, charcoal, pickaxes, bananas, and other essentials.
*Except you, Drew. You know what you did.
My basket? Not so ominous. Just a sweet, innocent girl and four… no, five… OK, fine, stop judging me with your judgy eyes, SIX bottles of wine. Plus a slab of cheese or two. Plus Honey Nut Cheerios. Just the essentials.
Anyway, since I spent eternity and a half in Trader Joe’s, my brain is fried like an egg on the sidewalk. Egg brain means I can’t write words or form sentences and also I called the male Starbucks barista ‘Mom’ this morning. Enjoy these pictures while I attempt to uncross my eyes.
I got super liked by this puppy!
This guy who thinks he’s Marilyn Monroe**, even though he was named after a potato.
**Or Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, or Eleanor Roosevelt… the jury is out. Daily history lesson!
This poor guy who has chosen Tinder as a venue to air his grievances about his failed relationships.
…and this young man, who unfortunately chose the worst Spongebob line of all time to include in his bio. What ever happened to the classics, like “CHOCOLATE?!?!” or “I NEEEEEED IT” or “Imaginaaaaation.”
On second thought, none of those would a good bio make. Maybe you should have just stuck with your height, buddy. Now THERE’S something I can get behind (literally) (gross) (sorry).
Iiiiiiiit’s THREESOME SEASON!
Lord Beyonce, save us all.