You could say that we here at Tinder District HQ are pretty accomplished mobile daters. We know the ins and outs of bios, photo analysis, and how to set up as many dates as possible without ever actually getting on the metro or paying for anything. We offer lessons for a fee. Please inquire within.

One of the most common pitfalls that we see in dating profiles is not understanding the audience. Men of Tinder (and Hinge… and Bumble… ugh) I do not care how much you squat. I do not care that you are ‘420 friendly.’ I DO NOT care that you are KCCO (STILL don’t know what this means. HELP PLEASE?!).

Thus, it is always a pleasant surprise when I find a guy who really knows how to play to his audience. Behold, this week’s winners:

Moments 1

This speaks to me on an entirely new spiritual level

How could I NOT love this person?! Also, he was super cute in his other pics and we’re going out next week (YEAH J, GO J)!! I hope he wears this shirt and brings me a matching one and we can wear them together and get married and serve pizza at the reception. #relationshipgoals

Moments 2

Guys, just LOOK at that brownie. That is a high-quality, triple chocolate Ghirardelli beauty if I’ve ever seen one. Why are you six miles away, brownie? So close, yet so far…

Moments 5a

Moments 5b

I’m. In. Love. With. You.

(JK not really, he’s not cute, but LOOK AT THAT UNICORN ONESIE. And the power pose. Please be my best friend.)

Moments 3

I think this guy is a wee bit angry that all the good ladies are now on Tinder, no longer checking his Craigslist “Missed Connections” posts. It’ll be ok, DC to LA to Question Marks! You’ll find the one!

Also, you’re lying to yourself if you don’t admit you read that bio in tune. Beautifully written.

Moments 4

Women love fluffy (and slightly terrifying!!!) animals! Women love CEOs! Women love diamonds! Hitting all the bases. Plus, he’s only two miles away, I could literally somersault over! (vom)

I hope you took notes, boys.